Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Grief: Part 1

I am not always doing as well as it seems.
I deal with pain and trauma every day.
I do not cry often because I hate feeling like I'm not in control of my emotions.
So here's a big truth...I usually write about my struggles in past tense form. When I'm in the midst of doing horribly, I don't like to talk about it here because I don't want you to think I am always angry or sad or ungrateful.
But I'm here today to tell you some truths. These are present tense.
Lately, it has all been hard; trauma from divorce, motherhood, finding myself, resolving my anger. I often fear that I will never get better because I go through these small ups and huge downs. I fear I won't be able to resolve the fact that I cannot trust anyone with my heart.
I am angry today. Actually, I've been angry for a few weeks. Well, in all honestly, I've been angry for a year now. But never like this.
My grieving process is so much slower than I anticipated and I'm just now hitting anger, real anger. And when it hit, it hit hard. I've resented a lot of these things that I have to accept as 'my story'.
Seriously? I'm a divorced 26 year old woman with 2 kids? Is this some cruel joke? This certainly can't be real. WHEN DO I GET TO WAKE UP?!
I'm trying to accept it. I really, truly am. I'm trying to be ok with my messy life because of the beauty it holds but sometimes, I just cannot see the beauty. Sometimes I just cannot focus on anything but the ugly, messy, screwed up parts of my life that make me question everything I've ever learned.
It's a mess, really.
I'm a mess.
In 12 days, I will have to come to grips with the anniversary of the day my husband left me. Ouch. It is a pain I cannot even begin to describe. It was the ultimate rejection. It has been an extremely painful year. I have made some really stupid decisions. I have cried more tears than in all of the other years of my adult life combined. It was traumatic.
And I'm still grieving.
Remember how I once said you just cannot put a timeline on grief?
I did put a timeline on my grieving. It wasn't a conscious decision but I now realize that I did that. Because I assumed that by a year, I would be fine. I assumed that by a year, I would be free of the shame and the guilt and the pain.
But that didn't happen, friends. I was wrong.
And the fact that I was wrong, the fact that I am still so broken makes me so damn angry.
All I want to do is be strong and happy and ME. I want to be me.
I wish I could accept that life is hard and uncertain and scary sometimes. That is my goal. I want to be ok with letting God take the reigns. I want to be ok with not knowing.
So today I'm angry.
And tonight I'm going to punch my pillow and scream swear words because, well...therapy!

1 comment:

jobees said...

Being strong doesn't always mean being happy. But being happy despite all this garbage proves your strength. And when you wade through your anger, and come out on the other end, shaking the crap off your feet, I know you will find happiness. Never forget who you are. Never forget that I love you. Always have. Always will.