I am not always doing as well as it seems.
I deal with pain and trauma every day.
I do not cry often because I hate feeling like I'm not in control of my emotions.
So here's a big truth...I usually write about my struggles in past tense form. When I'm in the midst of doing horribly, I don't like to talk about it here because I don't want you to think I am always angry or sad or ungrateful.
But I'm here today to tell you some truths. These are present tense.
Lately, it has all been hard; trauma from divorce, motherhood, finding myself, resolving my anger. I often fear that I will never get better because I go through these small ups and huge downs. I fear I won't be able to resolve the fact that I cannot trust anyone with my heart.
I am angry today. Actually, I've been angry for a few weeks. Well, in all honestly, I've been angry for a year now. But never like this.
My grieving process is so much slower than I anticipated and I'm just now hitting anger, real anger. And when it hit, it hit hard. I've resented a lot of these things that I have to accept as 'my story'.
Seriously? I'm a divorced 26 year old woman with 2 kids? Is this some cruel joke? This certainly can't be real. WHEN DO I GET TO WAKE UP?!
I'm trying to accept it. I really, truly am. I'm trying to be ok with my messy life because of the beauty it holds but sometimes, I just cannot see the beauty. Sometimes I just cannot focus on anything but the ugly, messy, screwed up parts of my life that make me question everything I've ever learned.
It's a mess, really.
I'm a mess.
In 12 days, I will have to come to grips with the anniversary of the day my husband left me. Ouch. It is a pain I cannot even begin to describe. It was the ultimate rejection. It has been an extremely painful year. I have made some really stupid decisions. I have cried more tears than in all of the other years of my adult life combined. It was traumatic.
And I'm still grieving.
Remember how I once said you just cannot put a timeline on grief?
I did put a timeline on my grieving. It wasn't a conscious decision but I now realize that I did that. Because I assumed that by a year, I would be fine. I assumed that by a year, I would be free of the shame and the guilt and the pain.
But that didn't happen, friends. I was wrong.
And the fact that I was wrong, the fact that I am still so broken makes me so damn angry.
All I want to do is be strong and happy and ME. I want to be me.
I wish I could accept that life is hard and uncertain and scary sometimes. That is my goal. I want to be ok with letting God take the reigns. I want to be ok with not knowing.
So today I'm angry.
And tonight I'm going to punch my pillow and scream swear words because, well...therapy!