Thursday, August 7, 2014

The Porn Pandemic: Part 2

This is a hard one to write about because it's a hard one to explain. Because this is the part that affects ME. And maybe it has affected you too.

Finding out your partner has chosen pornography over you is hurtful---actually, it's more than hurtful.

Damaging.
Distressing.
Wounding.

It isn't what the media wants you to believe. Pornography does not strengthen your relationship. It hurts your partner. And it hurts you.

"While porn is something users can choose to do on their own, that use doesn’t just affect them—it affects their partner too, and not for the better. Studies have shown that even casual use of porn can cause the user to feel less attracted to their partner. And when a person frequently uses pornography, they’re far more likely to feel less satisfied with their partner’s looks, sexual performance, and willingness to try new sexual acts.
Why all the sudden disappointment with one's partner? It's likely due to the fact that porn promotes a completely fictional version of how people look and behave (See Porn Is a Lie), and makes it look like an exciting reality—one that their partners often feel they can never live up to." source

It is painful.

A lot of women blame themselves. Oh my goodness, I blamed myself. It has to be because I'm overweight. I could never compare to those women. It must've been the way I looked or the way I acted.

It is a trauma that is indescribable unless you've experienced it.

If you were self-conscious before, it is multiplied by ten thousand.

You question everything. Everything. You wonder how you could've reacted differently to some of the crappiest situations in your marriage so you can fix this ugly thing. You can fix this! You can erase it, right? Please oh please, it just needs to be erased!

 I could tell you all about the heartache I've experienced and the emotional trauma that has been placed in my life because of this hurtful story but instead I asked some of my friends who have been through this, in the very thick of this, what they would say to someone who wanted to know how pornography affects relationships. This is what they said:

"Pornography - every time I made a new discovery a bomb went off in my world. I was a part of the rubble. Damaged & destroyed sometimes. I didn't even know if I could crawl to all the other pieces to pick them up. Let alone - reassemble. It was a daunting task and no help in sight.
 I lost all respect for the man I married. I resented him. I was angry like never before. Trust was obliterated . Only once ever in my life did I hurt like I did now - my heart physically hurt. Trapped in a war zone, isolated & alone, hurt & lost. Despair came and nearly caused me to end my life. Even feeble attempts to seek help were ignored until it was almost too late. I am much better now. It's still tough at times, but there is hope & healing happening for me. Seeking my own recovery has been a lifesaver. He has no interest in recovery or acknowledging there is a problem. But...there is hope for me"
"Porn, when I didn't know about it's grasp on my husband, made me feel like something was off, but I could never quite put my finger on it. My life felt happy and spiritual, and then my husband would get home and everything in the atmosphere would change to darkness and emptiness. Every day. For 4 years. Porn made my husband unable to be truly intimate with me. I never felt like we were on the same page. Happy times felt lacking. Sad times felt empty. He was emotionless and I was made out to look like an emotional lunatic. Porn caused my husband to use me as an object. I was expected to perform to his needs and wants perfectly and when I didn't, I was met with dissatisfaction. My body was not my own, I was used as just another form of acting out in his addiction. Sometimes I would cry during sex because of how used I felt and he never even noticed. Porn sucked the life out of my husband and almost caused him to take his own life. When he was in the thick of it and couldn't get out, he almost left his wife and three children to escape the emptiness that porn gave him."

"It almost killed me. The end."
-Make My Burden Light-
 
"Porn made me feel like a second-class citizen in my own marriage. It made my feelings and thoughts secondary to Addiction's. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership but with porn it wasn't. At all. The relationship that is supposed to be the ultimate in safe spaces was decidedly UNsafe and hostile. I was alone and fightened while my husband who swore to protect me and love me was kept from me because of his addiction to pornography. It was like the real him was locked away somewhere I couldn't be and in his place was someone who DIDN'T love me and DIDN'T care about my feelings and overall WASN'T really him.
After a long and arduous journey through recovery including therapy, LDS PASG groups, SA, and (the greatest catalyst for him) a weeklong stay in a local mental hospital as well as meeting with psychiatrists about medication for his panic and anxiety disorder, my husband is with me. like, really WITH me. He listens when I have something to say and he holds me when I am sad. He tells me stuff like "that makes sense" and "you're not crazy for feeling that way, it's okay". And that means we can actually have a REAL relationship now. Instead of having porn between us, it's just us
 
"Simply put... pornography destroys relationships. Relationships cannot thrive and grow when pornography is present. Pornography, and all the fake and unreal ideas that come along with it became Mr. Wonderful's reality and his expectations of marriage and real love and connection were jaded. I can NEVER live up to what Mr. Wonderful "expects". No matter what I do, it is impossible. Because Mr. Wonderful chose to indulge in pornography and sexual behaviors, I am married to a man who is always disappointed with me, who feels entitled to "more" and "better". What my husband believes is "real love" and "true connection" is anything but that. But what do I do? What can I do about it? I can't morph into a new girl every night, it is impossible. His reality is impossible. Unless Mr. Wonderful spends dedicated years to "retrain" his brain, we will never make it. And in the meantime, I have to TRY desperately to MAKE myself believe that this isn't my fault, and that I am enough... over and over again. This is what pornography does in REAL life. This is how it has affected my life and my marriage and my children. Pornography kills love. It kills the true meaning of love. -Alice Alice Looking for Wonderfulland

Not every story is the same but every single one of these stories is real.

Pornography kills love.
Real love does not exist within the realms of pornography.
I have seen the hand of God in my life as I have dived through this journey. I have also seen the effects of Satan because HE DOES NOT LIKE THIS. He hates that we are putting up a fight.
When I posted Part 1, it only got 46 reads which is quite abnormal for my blog and I felt like that was a testament of how many people turn their heads the other way because it is more comfortable! Satan does not want you to read about my journey or other womens' journeys. He wants us to believe that pornography is good---and if it isn't good, he will at least try to convince us this is too shameful to ever speak of.

We cannot let him win. Pornography is infiltrating our societies and ruining relationships.

We need to talk about it to fight against it, to bring awareness to the ICKY, SCARY, DETRIMENTAL crap that is so readily available around us.

We are fighters.

We can do this, friends.

1 comment:

URFAVE5 said...

I just happen to come upon ur blog and I'm so amazed with you and ur strength and courage. You ate one amazing besutiful woman.

Love You,
JoLynn Ellsworth