I feel like Suzanne today.
Even among the depression and the heartache and the painful memories, there are days where I feel like me. The real me.
The girl who loves to make others happy and doesn't tell herself she is selfish. The girl who reads books to her children and gives them extra snuggles at night. The girl who exercises because she loves her body, not to punish herself.
This is me.
School started and my anxiety kicked in full swing. Ok, fine, the anxiety kicked in the night before.
I went to my math class and was welcomed by a bubbly, tiny young woman who made us decide what shape we identified with most and then showed us a Ted talk on having grit. I really hope her personality, as cheesy as class felt, will be helpful to get me through this math class. Have I mentioned I hate Alegbra?
Then I headed to the class I was nervous to start---Philosophy of Sexuality. I know it's going to help me become a better therapist. I know I need to take this class. I am just not excited about the sometimes explicit material and the open discussions about SEX. Part of the reason is because it's intimidating to talk about sex with people I don't know and trust but a bigger part of the reason is in regards to the trauma from my failed marriage.
But I did it. I focused, I read through the required material today, and I finished my first assignment. And if you're waiting for me to stop tooting my own horn, it might not happen yet.
I have spent my morning doing things Suzanne does. Spidey and I jogged the neighborhood at 7:15am. We played with our bunnies and fed them breakfast. And I finished my work out while my boy watched PBS.
I even cleaned the family room.
I'm figuring life out. I hate it some days. I love it other days. But at least I seem to be figuring it out.
There are two parts of me and today I am Suzanne.
TODAY I AM SUZANNE.
That is such a victory, friends.
Because depression and anxiety have taken so much from me. When I feel like me, I NEED TO CELEBRATE THAT!
So today I celebrate who I am. I celebrate the brave things I conquer and the good things that I do. There is good within me---a lot of good. And it doesn't counteract the bad, it isn't a replacement for the bad...it is it's own thing. I am good because I am compassionate and funny and loving.
I am a good person.
This is me.