But throughout the week, God has taken my anger and taught me with it. He has given me peace and hope when I really didn't deserve it from Him. And I feel humbled.
I was angry at God for a life that seems to flourish in trials. I was angry that He would allow so much in just a span of three years.
I've been told that publicly declaring that I can do hard things seems like an invitation to God but I didn't agree. Doing hard things and wanting to do hard things are two different things. Just because I do them doesn't mean I want to do them.
But I started learning this week. I started listening to my heart more instead of letting my anxiety control my thoughts. Something changed in me this week. I thought my insecurities had snapped me in half but what really happened is that I got so damn sick and tired of fear ruining me that I started to trust myself. I started to find confidence. I started to love myself and recognize some of the really amazing things I've done throughout the years. I started to hear truths about myself that I've never been able to believe before.
Like warrior fighting.
Because although I've lived through a lot and have done some really hard things, I think most of the time I've fought for others, most specifically for my kids.
But today, this fight isn't even about them. This fight against Satan is about me. It is a fight I am going to win because Satan knows who I am and that scares him. He hates me. He wants me to fail and be miserable.
In the LDS hymn, We Thank Thee Oh God For A Prophet, it states, "When dark clouds of trouble hang o'er us and threaten our peace to destroy, there is hope smiling brightly before us."
There is hope smiling brightly before us.
Dark clouds come from Satan. Hope comes from God.
This week was a turning point in my life. As much as I don't like being refined through trials, I have been given so many opportunities to learn. I have been given so many opportunities to be stronger. In a spiritual body building contest, my strength would take me to the very top.
I don't have much doubt in myself today. And although I can't promise it will always be that way, today I have confidence in my character and my ability to make my life amazing.
I started out the week so angry at God for all of the things in my life but today, I am humbled that He has brought some of the miracles I've been praying for. They just didn't come in the exact way I had requested them. Instead of erasing some of my trials, God gave me a trust in myself that I have never felt before. He gave me the ability to discern truth, to have empathy, to function as a mother, to come closer to my family members and many of my friends.
It is because of my God that I am the warrior that I am. None of this would be possible without Him and today, my anger has been softened. My heart has opened up and I have seen how much I have to offer the world.
On April 1st (ironically), I made a decision that some have been excited about while others haven't quite understood. But it is a decision I felt was right for me.
In fact, I have not felt a single ounce of regret since that night.
But most importantly, I will do it for myself.
I am worth it. As I stare at the eating disorder symbol that represents the "o" on my foot, I am reminded that no matter what I look like or how much I weigh, my God believes in me and I can believe in myself.
As I've tried to listen to General Conference through the fights and mishaps with my wonderful children, I caught a quote from Elder Bednar's talk on fear. He said, "Godly fear dispels mortal fears. It even subdues the haunting concerns that we can never be good enough. In truth, we cannot be good enough relying solely on our own capacity and performance. After all we can do, we are made whole only through the mercy and grace through the Savior’s infinite and atoning sacrifice."
This spoke to my soul as I've struggled with feeling "good enough" for most of my life.
I have realized that my measurements of 'enough' have never included the atoning sacrifice that my Savior paid for me. He makes up the difference when I fall short. I will always be enough in His eyes because I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and He loves me.
If ever there was advice to give that I hoped people would listen to, it would be that you are already enough. You are already loved by God. You don't have to prove anything to anyone because God knows who you are and He loves you as His child.
Believe in yourself. Be kind and have courage. Get out of bed and find gratitude in the little things. There is so much power in gratitude. You and I have so much power over how we live our lives.
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