Warri()r

 I wanted to come here and tell you how stupid life is and how much life sucks. I wanted to complain and be angry.

But throughout the week, God has taken my anger and taught me with it. He has given me peace and hope when I really didn't deserve it from Him. And I feel humbled.
I was angry at God for a life that seems to flourish in trials. I was angry that He would allow so much in just a span of three years.

I've been told that publicly declaring that I can do hard things seems like an invitation to God but I didn't agree. Doing hard things and wanting to do hard things are two different things. Just because I do them doesn't mean I want to do them.

But I started learning this week. I started listening to my heart more instead of letting my anxiety control my thoughts. Something changed in me this week. I thought my insecurities had snapped me in half but what really happened is that I got so damn sick and tired of fear ruining me that I started to trust myself. I started to find confidence. I started to love myself and recognize some of the really amazing things I've done throughout the years. I started to hear truths about myself that I've never been able to believe before.

I started focusing on the most important thing...family. I am fighting. For the first time in a long time, this feels like real fighting.

Like warrior fighting.

Because although I've lived through a lot and have done some really hard things, I think most of the time I've fought for others, most specifically for my kids.

But today, this fight isn't even about them. This fight against Satan is about me. It is a fight I am going to win because Satan knows who I am and that scares him. He hates me. He wants me to fail and be miserable.

In the LDS hymn, We Thank Thee Oh God For A Prophet, it states, "When dark clouds of trouble hang o'er us and threaten our peace to destroy, there is hope smiling brightly before us."

There is hope smiling brightly before us. 

Dark clouds come from Satan. Hope comes from God. 

This week was a turning point in my life. As much as I don't like being refined through trials, I have been given so many opportunities to learn. I have been given so many opportunities to be stronger. In a spiritual body building contest, my strength would take me to the very top.

I don't have much doubt in myself today. And although I can't promise it will always be that way, today I have confidence in my character and my ability to make my life amazing.

I started out the week so angry at God for all of the things in my life but today, I am humbled that He has brought some of the miracles I've been praying for. They just didn't come in the exact way I had requested them. Instead of erasing some of my trials, God gave me a trust in myself that I have never felt before. He gave me the ability to discern truth, to have empathy, to function as a mother, to come closer to my family members and many of my friends.

It is because of my God that I am the warrior that I am. None of this would be possible without Him and today, my anger has been softened. My heart has opened up and I have seen how much I have to offer the world.

On April 1st (ironically), I made a decision that some have been excited about while others haven't quite understood. But it is a decision I felt was right for me.

In fact, I have not felt a single ounce of regret since that night.

Now as I look down at the feet that I plant on the ground each day to fight a new war, whether big or small, I am reminded that I am a warrior. No matter what comes my way, I will continue to fight. I will do it for my kids, for my family, and for my friends.
But most importantly, I will do it for myself. 

I am worth it. As I stare at the eating disorder symbol that represents the "o" on my foot, I am reminded that no matter what I look like or how much I weigh, my God believes in me and I can believe in myself.

As I've tried to listen to General Conference through the fights and mishaps with my wonderful children, I caught a quote from Elder Bednar's talk on fear. He said, "Godly fear dispels mortal fears. It even subdues the haunting concerns that we can never be good enough. In truth, we cannot be good enough relying solely on our own capacity and performance. After all we can do, we are made whole only through the mercy and grace through the Savior’s infinite and atoning sacrifice." 

This spoke to my soul as I've struggled with feeling "good enough" for most of my life. 
I have realized that my measurements of 'enough' have never included the atoning sacrifice that my Savior paid for me. He makes up the difference when I fall short. I will always be enough in His eyes because I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and He loves me. 

If ever there was advice to give that I hoped people would listen to, it would be that you are already enough. You are already loved by God. You don't have to prove anything to anyone because God knows who you are and He loves you as His child. 

Believe in yourself. Be kind and have courage. Get out of bed and find gratitude in the little things. There is so much power in gratitude. You and I have so much power over how we live our lives. 

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I've often asked myself this question.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
I know I pondered this questions 6 months ago, in my blog post from last conference, but somewhere along the way, I got a bit off track and recently, I started wondering what the heck I did to deserve my infertility...again. This wondering is a slippery slope, filled with only disappointment at the bottom, for it is not the correct question to be asking.
Does anyone remember the movie iRobot? With Will Smith in it? Remember how he will only get answers if he asks "the right questions"? I believe this can also be true in life.
Instead of asking, "Why has this happened to me?" I need to be asking, "What does God have in store and expect me to learn from this?"
Thankfully, Elder Eyring spoke of trials at this April General Conference and helped me to remember that trials do not happen to bad people. Trials happen so that we can grow. Here are some of the notes I took on Elder Eyring's talk:

Adversity can bring my greatest blessings or it can break me. It’s my choice.
How can we lay that unshakeable foundation? Some may feel their foundation is crumbling.
We need to endure to the end. Getting older does not do it alone. It is serving
God and others persistently that turns testimony of truth into unbreakable
spiritual strength. Acting on even a twig of faith allows God to grow it. When
our trials come, the faith to endure it well will be with us. Build a strong
foundation so you will be ready to conquer anything. God wants us to be
polished, hence the trials we are given.

I feel like a rock that has many rough edges still. God is slowly polishing me and teaching me how to be a true disciple of Christ.

Many of those rough edges are being polished through my trials but some of them need to be polished through my own daily actions. They may not be as prominent and they may be harder to recognize but these rough edges still affect the polished person I am trying to become. One of th greatest challenges I deal with, aside from infertility, is being happy with the things that are right in front of me. I am often envious of others and compare what I have to what they have. In most cases, I am comparing my weaknesses to their strengths. I compare my children, my wealth, my testimony, and my body image to those around me; not all the time but often enough for it to affect me. Elder Holland is one of my favorite speakers and as soon as he started speaking, I knew he was speaking for me. Here are some notes from his talk:

Don’t feel hurt or be envious when good fortune comes to another person. We are not
diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each
other to see…who is most blessed. The race we are in is the race against sin
and surely envy is one of the most universal of those. Envy is a mistake that
just keeps on giving. Demeaning others does not improve your self image. The
formula of faith is to hold on, work on, and see it through and let the
distress of earlier hours fall away in the abundance of the final reward. Don’t
dwell on old issues or grievances. Mortals will always struggle, even inside
our church history. Even if one of those grievances did not originate with you,
it can end with you! Don't hold something that happened 20 years ago over your
spouses’ head, or plan on holding it over their head for another 20 years.
There is nothing you have done that cannot be undone.

How grateful I am for apostles and prophets who speak to me and for me every 6 months (and occasionally in between). They really are chosen by our Heavenly Father and receive revelation. Time and time again, I am reminded of this when their words answer many of my prayers.
My mind is clear.
My heart is full.
My life is blessed.

And that's how Suze sees it.

How General Conference changed my mind.

This weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to listen to General Conference. I took notes from every single speaker, which is something I don't think I've ever accomplished before.
Today, I wanted to talk about the talk that made a big impact on my life. Elder Neil L. Anderson seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear and everything he said touched my heart. He spoke about families and how the family is central to God's plan. He reminded us that God told Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth and that that commandment still remains in force today. When to have children and how many children we have is a completely personal thing between a husband and wife. We should not judge each other for the amount of children we decide to have or when we decide to have them join our family.
That first part helped me a lot because I feel it goes both ways. I've heard a lot of comments since then by people, saying that we should not judge if families choose to only have 3 kids or small families. But honestly, there have been many times where I've gotten weird looks or rude questions when I've mentioned we want a big family...5-7 kids. I know that there will always be people who judge you or I for certain decisions we make. But that part of his talk made my heart happy and made me realie, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If we want a big family, that is our personal decision and it is a good decision because we believe it is.
When Elder Anderson's talk took it's next turn, the tears starting pouring. I was typing vigorously to try and remember everything he was saying. He talked about how life sometimes seems unfair. Especially when our greatest desire is to do exactly what the Lord has commanded. He went on to speak of those who have not been able to get married, those married couples who have not been able to have children, or those parents who have not been able to have the desired number of children they wanted. You can see where I started crying, right? I've been feeling that way for a while now and expressed those feelings of being punished a few posts back. I didnt write down much more of what he said because I wanted to soak it all in.
The comment he made about how life seems unfair, especially when our greatest desires are righteous ones, has stuck with me. I thought about that all of Saturday and realized in pinpoints my exact feelings. Where have I gone wrong? What have I done to deserve this? His talk helped me better understand and think about those feelings.
Then, of course, Sunday came around and after hearing Elder Robert D Hales, I felt like that was the missing puzzle piece to my mystery-of-feelings. Elder Hales spoke of why people have trials. He emphasized that trials do not only happen to bad people, they happen to everyone. He reminded me of why I am here on this earth---to grow. My purpose on earth is not to have everything handed to me and never learn how to exercise my faith. He really helped remember that we may not always understand our trials but if we endure to the end, we will be blessed.
It may not be easy to live with PCOS and not be able to have children when I want them, or to ever have as many children as we originally wanted, but I know I am learning and growing from this trial and that it is necessary. I may not understand why it is necessary but someday, I will be able to see and understand the big picture.
And for now, I trust in God that He will help carry us through this trial.

And what's a post without pictures? These were some of the happiest days of my life so far. They are the reason I desire more...because I have such a deep love for each of them. These days were special and I hope I get to experience some more days similiar to these. But one of the things conference helped me to change was my urge to have a baby right now. I know that seems weird that a weekend of speakers could do that (and yes, I still want a baby soon) but I've realized how obsessive last month was and it didn't help our family out one bit. And since they are the people whom I already know and love, they come first.

And that's how Suze sees it.