2015 Flashbacks

 2015.

There were so many good things that happened to our family this year. So, so many.

But a few traumatic events made this year different than anything I could've ever predicted.
And when it came time for me to write a post about our year, I found myself not wanting to do so because the memories had a lot of background pain attached.

I've pushed through though because this blog is important to me. But I did make a decision, one that may or may not be big news to you but one that I've been considering much of the past two years.

I am retiring Suze's Corner. 

I started this blog a few weeks after my son was born back in 2009. In the past six years, so much has happened. There are memories from our marriage, raw moments after divorce, friendship memories that are painful to read about, etc. It's been a messy blog at times and I am so grateful for all of my readers.

And in case you're surprised (or if you think I'm an oversharer maybe you're even happy), I don't plan to stop writing. But I'm going to start a new blog in 2016---a blog that still shares messes and talks about the past and the future but a blog that doesn't have so much background attached.

Maybe you don't care or maybe you do but either way, I've decided this is what's best for my journaling {free therapy} in the future.

Anyway, I've decided to go through and talk about some of our memories of 2015 to wrap up the year.

In January, we drove up to Flagstaff to visit some of our friends. Andersen had the opportunity to play on a real drum set that belonged to our friend's band and he loved it so much. We went ice skating, played in the snow, and made new memories.

 In March, we headed to Carlsbad for Spring Break. We spent time in the sun and went to Legoland.

 This year has been incredible for Hayley. Incredible. One of her teachers messaged me at the end of 2014 and asked if she could choreograph a solo for Hayley to compete. It was so exciting!

 She competed that solo for the first time in March of 2015 and got 2nd place and High Gold. I cried as I watched her perform on the stage.
Cried. Real people tears.

 At the end of March, I ventured into my parents' backyard during my lowest point of this entire year and found that my mom had made a little peace garden with benches surrounding it. I can remember the feelings, the fears, and the thousands of thoughts spinning in my head as I told God He needed to fix this mess.
And slowly, He did.

 As one job door closed, another one opened and that same week, I was offered a job teaching tumbling at Rhythm and Motion Dance Center, which was something I could've only dreamed up until that point.

 And a week later, I decided it was time to do something I had been considering for a while and make myself a permanent reminder that I am a warrior. This tattoo will be on my foot forever and will remind me of the things I've been through and the strength I've shown during some trials I never would've thought I could handle.
I'm forever grateful for the acceptance from my people regarding this permanent decision and also for the support my family has been given throughout the year. It's been incredibly hard but also incredibly beautiful to realize who my people are and how much they care about us.

 On August 6th, Hayley lost her very first tooth and she did so by pulling it out all by herself!!! If you can't tell, she was so extremely happy!

 In July, my parents took us all on a trip to Washington DC. It. Was. Magical. I enjoyed so many things about DC and loved that my kids and I were given such an incredible opportunity.

 August 2015, my BABY boy started Kindergarten. It was a little tricky figuring out schools but we found the perfect fit and he is doing so well!

 Also in August, I started school full time at Arizona State University!!! I knocked out my first semester with 2 A's and 2 B's and enjoyed most of my classes.

 Hayley had an incredible opportunity to perform with her dance team at Disneyland and we got to enjoy two days of Disney fun!

 Oh and since I didn't already mention it, I switched the kiddos over to the dance studio I teach at and they are both currently dancing with RMDC's company. Both kids are enjoying it and learning so much.

 Another first for me---I attended my FIRST concert in 2015 and it was Taylor Swift! I am so thankful for my sister who invited me and was there to share my excitement---and when T Swift first came out on stage, I may have shed a few happy tears. (I really did...)

 Time Out for Women 2015 was another one for the books! That time with my mom and sisters is always so incredible and brings out the crazy in all of us.

 Another highlight {literally} of 2015 was changing my hair from this...

 ...to this. Blonde, blonde, super blonde. I'm so thankful for incredible friends who have amazing talents.
And speaking of amazing friends with talents, Leyla Moss took our family pictures again this year and as she does every time, she outdid herself!

We put the pictures together in less than 24 hours and the colors, location, everything was perfect! 

And it probably doesn't hurt that my kids are so freaking adorable. 

 Another heartbreaking moment of 2015 was watching Leyla lose her husband, Andy, to cancer. This moment was significant for me because Andy was diagnosed only a few months after my divorce had started. Leyla and I were both going through scary times and weren't able to physically be there for each other but being the amazing friend that she is, she still found ways to show me she loved me.
And two years later, as I said my goodbyes to her incredible husband on this Sunday afternoon, I felt like my heart was ripping in two for my friend, not knowing how to help or what to say.
And since that day and the harder days that happened weeks later, I have tried to be there for Leyla and I have prayed harder than ever before that she would feel God's love.
Cancer sucks, you guys. It really, really sucks. But throughout this experience, I have been amazing by Leyla's strength.

 And in October, Hayley performed her newest solo with her new dance team and as she danced on that stage, I felt the tears stinging the corners of my eyes again. And if you're wondering, it isn't because I'm proud of her for being a dance. It is because I'm proud of her for doing something that is scary for her. I'm proud of her for fighting her fears to be able to do something she truly loves.

Now 2015 is almost over and two weeks ago, I had a professional put a hole in my nose and stick a stud in there for fun.

This year, tied in with all of the painful things I've experienced, I've experienced some of the happiest times ever---ever, but especially since my divorce.
I've changed---a lot---and the things I believe have changed---some significantly and some small changes.
It's scary sometimes but most of the time, I look at who I am now and who I was then and the corners of my mouth curl up toward the sky.

Things weren't meant to be easy but they are going well. They are beautiful and the gratitude I feel often pours out in a blubbering mess across Instagram/Facebook. I'm pretty sure most people are sick of my rants but they keep me going and remind me why I'm fighting to be who I want to be---and not who I think I'm supposed to be.

2015 was hard and crazy and incredibly unpredictable but 2015 taught me more than I ever could've imagined.
And that's something I'm getting sick of admitting---that trials teach me and make me stronger---because I WANT LIFE TO CALM THE FRICK DOWN! But if it isn't going to, at least I'm learning so much in the process.

Merry Christmas, friends. I am so grateful for each of you.

Anchor to the Good

 Sky high and fearless---that is a real picture of me when I was a little girl. I used to climb to the top of our incredibly tall swing set and feel the wind on my face and just breathe. I'd sit on the top metal bar and watch the cars go down the streets and the people walking on the sidewalks.

That was my place.

Very few times did the fear of falling come to my mind but it never stopped me from climbing up to the top and feeling like I was on top of the world.

As a young girl, it was a fun place to climb. As a teenager, it was a place I would go to escape my pain.

My kids play on that swing set now. I watch them from my parents' kitchen window and imagine I am the young version of myself again, the little girl who needed someone to understand her a little bit better.
Sometimes I mourn the parts of my childhood that were sad. Other times, I smile because I love that little girl so much. I love 'young me'. Maybe that seems weird but whenever I see things in my children that remind me of myself as a child, it makes me happy.

Because I am her and I know what she needs. I know how she felt. I know all of the genuinely compassionate things she felt as a little girl. She is incredible to me.



Last week, I had a super rough night---or couple of nights. I wish the hard nights would stop but I guess that's never going to happen. But as I laid in my bed and wrote in my journal, I was thinking about everything that has happened and I was starting to blame myself all over again.

This is what anxiety does to me. 

I was worried that my divorce was too fast and that I had jumped into this new life without waiting for a fourth or fifth answered prayer that this was right---as if the first three answers were no longer valid. 

I started to second guess my friendships to some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I couldn't believe that they really love me. I started to think that I was probably just a girl with a sad story who everyone feels sorry for so they invite her to hang out.

I was crying while messaging a friend about my pity party and she stopped me right in my tracks and said, "Ok, I'm stepping in now! No No NO! Now you're making that up in YOUR head because you anchor to all of the self critic talk, instead of anchoring to what you know is true. You're amazing. You have awesome friends who are trying to protect you. You have been through hell and back and you don't give yourself enough credit for the amazing amount of crap you've been through and have to deal with. Let yourself feel those feelings of hurt but don't anchor to them. Anchor to the good."

Anchor to the good.

That phrase really spoke to me. Anchor to the good. I like simple messages that carry deep meanings. They are easier for me to remember and apply.

The next day, I went straight to my white board and wrote that beautiful message on it.

I pass by it multiple times a day.

When my friend first said those words to me, I thought they would be easy. I am a generally optimistic person and I've always felt like I can pick the good out of the situation and focus on it most of the time.

But it has been harder than I thought! Because I've been dealing with so much anxiety and shame that finding the good isn't always easy.

Often times it bothers me that I haven't yet figured out who I am now. I am a different person than I used to be and sometimes it's hard for me to understand myself. It's hard to understand the anxiety or the anger or the shame because even though I have felt all of those things in my life, I didn't recognize them as much as I do now. They weren't as debilitating as they are now.

And a huge part of me resents that. A huge part of me gets angry with this new person because I just want her to calm down and stop being so scared of life.

I want her to trust. 

But if I take a step back and look at her as if she isn't me, I can see why she is scared and why she doesn't like to trust. I can see why daily activities can give her anxiety. Because the day she was hurt the most was just a normal day with normal activities and it changed her life forever.


I hope that someday I will be able to overcome my fears. I hope that I will be able to live more freely and trust and love and commit.

But today all I feel like doing is climbing back into bed and never coming out of my room.
Because at least my bed is safe.