Saturday, April 19, 2014


Good days can be the best and the worst. Good days show me what I want in life.

Happiness. Freedom. Laughter.

Free from the chains that seem to bind my fragile mind.

Yesterday, I was free. I really felt it. The things that usually bind me down were almost non-existent and when they did exist, honesty talked them out of my mind.

Yesterday was real.

And I went to bed listening to a song on repeat and crying and yelling---and it was so good---because I don't cry often enough and crying can be liberating.

I woke up at 11am feeling the lowest I've felt in a while. It took me a while to figure out why but I know it now. Yesterday wasn't my every day reality and it can't be. I can have days like yesterday but I can't rely on everyone else to make those days possible because I still wake up alone the next morning and have to face this as my reality. Pieces are missing and pieces are broken and I'm trying my damndest to put them all back together but it hasn't worked out yet.

This is my fight.
I hate that.
It's a hard fight, sometimes seemingly impossible.

I don't like feeling fragile. My "I am woman, hear me roar" fights with my "co-dependent".

I don't know what the point to all of this is, other than feeling like I'm whining because yesterday was a good day---as if that makes any sense---but I'm trying to learn from my feelings and not have everything feel so hard. It shouldn't have to be extremely happy or extremely sad. I shouldn't need others surrounding me. I feel like I should be fine by now. Hello, it's been 8 months or 4 months or 2 months, depending on what fragile, broken piece we are talking about. I should feel better.

Or maybe I shouldn't. I wish there was a timeline to this sort of thing.

All I feel like doing is going back to bed and pretending yesterday was my everyday and today hasn't happened yet but it's 1pm and that just might make me feel crazier than I already feel.

So instead, I'll try to be brave. I want to be brave enough to be alone. I want to be brave enough to fight. I want to be brave enough to cry and feel and learn and be real.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free,
Leave me be.
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.


I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

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