Wednesday, May 21, 2014

You Would Never Know

I'm going to try really hard to be more open with you today because for some reason, I get the feeling that someone needs it. Maybe that someone is me, maybe that someone is you...

Everyone has a story. Everyone has a background and a childhood and unique experiences.
No two stories are exactly alike.

It is so easy to judge. It is so easy to look a person up and down and think we know everything we need to know about them to make perfect assumptions about their life.

Have you ever seen the kid at the restaurant that is so extremely obnoxious that you wonder why the heck their parents brought them out in public? Did you find yourself judging this child's parents? Did you find yourself judging the child? If you knew this child's story, would you feel differently about this situation? What if this child was autistic? What if this child was being bullied at school and was insecure? What if this child's parents were going through a divorce?

You would never know, would you? And yet, a lot of times, we still judge.

When I was first faced with the prospect of divorce, one of my main worries was judgment. I felt like I had this neon sign flashing on me at all times that said, "I am divorced" or "I am proving the statistic".

I failed. I failed so badly at something that I should've succeeded at.
I blamed myself for marrying way too young. I blamed myself for ignoring red flags. And I was extremely scared for how I would be perceived as a divorced mother of 2.

A month or so ago, I found out some pretty devastating news about my marriage---news that would rock anyone's world. It was during this time that I started struggling even more and wondering how in the hell I was going to get past this. I worried about what other's would think if they knew the truth. Would this create a paradigm shift for my story? Because certainly this caused me to feel like the victim all over again. He lied. He made horrible decisions. He left because he chose other things over me. I was really angry.

A huge part of me wanted to shout from the rooftops what was going on because I have already been faced with ridicule from others for my divorce. I have already experienced the judgment and I have had people place the blame solely on me for my failed marriage. I thought, "If only they knew..." and I wanted them to. I wanted them to see my side. I wanted them to understand.

But I was worried they would judge---not necessarily judge me but maybe judge him? Or maybe judge the situation unfairly? I was just so worried about judgment.

And I'm really freaking sick of worrying about judgment.

I am so sick of  giving "judgment" so much credibility in my life.

So today, I am going to level with you a little bit. I am here to tell you that although I am not perfect, I know I couldn't have saved my marriage on my own. I am here to tell you that if you are feeling alone right now, I have two perfectly good ears to hear your story. I want you to know that the world cannot determine how we perceive our story---we are the only ones who get to decide.

I look at my story and a lot of the time, I get discouraged and think, "Well my story sucks." but so many beautiful things are a part of my story. My story has forced me to utilize my New Years resolution of bravery. My story has given me the strength to fight so many evils in our world. My story has granted me opportunities to meet some of the most amazing people I've ever been privileged to be around.

Although so many parts of my story come with heartbreak and betrayal, my story is worth it.

*I've thought a lot about switching over to a new blog for our family because there are a lot of posts on here that are really painful for me and I feel like I need a fresh start. I haven't quite decided what I'm going to do or how I'm going to do this but if it happens, you will be the first---or second---to know.


Jennifer Harris said...

This is beautiful. One of my best friends is going through the same thing, if you don't mind in going to share your blog with her :) you are such a talented writer!!

Lisa said...

Honesty is hard hu? I struggle knowing what to share about my abuse and eating disorder because sadly it involves family and they read my stuff. Maybe have 2 for your family and one for healing and hope. I do believe your honesty is helping others!!!!