One of my greatest teachers

I'm doing great and I'm doing horrible.

Is that even possible?

It must be because it's how I'm doing.

I think about being pregnant and have a lot of anxiety when thinking about starting to try again next month. I don't know whether to try on our own or add fertility drugs in right away. I am so worried that it still won't work and if it doesn't work, that's the end. There's nothing else we can do for years and years...unless we win the lottery tomorrow. That'd be nice (even though we don't play...).

I don't want to live my life wishing for another baby every month if it isn't going to happen. I wish Heavenly Father could just tell me a snippet of what is going to happen in the future so I could know what to do.

Because if these are the only two kids we are going to have, how blessed we are to have two great little ones.

But if this is not the end of our family, I want to be doing what I can to get our other children to earth.

I have such a strong feeling that this isn't the end but that's what makes this all hard.

I know life isn't about what I think is best.

God really does know best.

But it would be nice if Him and I agreed on this timing. 

If we were pregnant right now, Spidey would be 3.5 when the baby would be born.

I know these thoughts don't help and so many parts of me are so grateful for this infertility. Infertility has helped me be a better mother to my children. It has helped me empathize with a large community of women who are struggling through many different forms of infertility.  I may struggle with secondary infertility but I know what it feels like to want a baby and feel heartbroken every month. I also know how to get out of that rut and stop being so depressed when there is so much to look forward to in life (though I do fall back into it every so often).

The bitterness of infertility makes me sad. I've experienced it before but I know women who let it define who they are.

Don't get me wrong, I cry when others announce they are pregnant. For some reason, it's harder when women announce they are pregnant with their 3rd. It makes me sad for me but I can also take my sad thoughts and turn them into happy thoughts because I know I would want that for someone else if I were the pregnant one.

I just feel so bad for living my life so cluelessly to the issues of infertility. I always hated infertility and never wanted it to be a part of my life but I never stopped and thought about those who were possibly sad when I announced pregnancies or when I said I was a bit sad about finding out my son was a son.

How grateful I am for a son and how grateful I am to have my children.

But seriously, how selfish I was to complain for a second that I wasn't getting two girls in a row.

Now I know better.

Now I can act better and try and teach those around me how to better act around someone with infertility.

So yes, I am grateful. It's a very sad trial in my life but I wouldn't trade it if given the chance. Infertility has been a great teacher in my life and it is something that is helping to polish off all of those jagged edges that I am still holding onto.

There is so much more to this than just wanting a baby. I have been so hopeful lately and anxious to try again but I know whatever happens is God's will. Whatever happens will be the best possible thing for our family.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Making the right decision.

Today, I was sitting on the couch and I said, "Petey, do you think I'm a good mommy?"
After thinking it over for a minute, she gave me an honest answer. "I think you're a good mommy when you're not being rude at me."
And that, my friends, is the true answer. Because for the past 8 months, my daughter has been dealing with a crabby mom. On occasion, my infertility has helped me to be a better mom and relish in the moments that I used to miss out on but one thing is certain---I've taken the title of crabby and claimed it for myself. But this claim was unwanted. I never wanted to be "crabby mom". I want my kids to remember me being happy and teaching them how to control their emotions. And how can I do that if I can't even control my own emotions?
So crabby mom is taking a hike and patient mom is trying to ease her way into our lives. Because this momma is NOT a fertility momma anymore. More importantly, this momma is going to try harder and do better.
So what does it mean that I've left the ranks of "fertility momma's"? In short, it means I'm done...for now. I am going back on birth control because my heart and even my brain need a break from this whole ordeal. In time, I know we will decide to try again but I am perfectly content with my life right now. I am happy and I know my decision is what is best for me and for my family. My husband practically squealed with excitement when I told him what I'd decided. Hmm, maybe he's sick of "crabby wife" too. :)
We all just need time and my heart feels so at peace with my decision. There is a tiny inkling of me that is sad because I really, really, really want a baby in our home but I really do believe that will happen for us again...when the time is right.
Everything about this decision just fell into place and I know it's the right thing for us. The hardest thing about infertility, or life for that matter, is that everybody's situation is different and you may think my decision is nuts, or maybe you thought my decision to try and have my 2nd and 3rd child 2 yrs apart was nuts (or have my first two children 16 months apart) but I try and make my decisions prayerfully and based on how my husband and I feel at the moment. And today, even we feel differently than we did 1 year ago when we decided to start trying.
It's just right! There is no other explanation.

And that is how Suze sees it.

PS: Picture, anyone? :) I added a cute picture of Petey from the other day but forgot to talk about it or put it anywhere in my post and since I cant figure out how to delete it, here ya go! :) Isn't she a cutie? Sassy, but a cutie? :)

Open Book Time

Sometimes, I wonder about those doctor people I go to...
But then I remember that my dad is a doctor and works hard to give information to help his patients and I realize that my doctors are probably just trying to do the same. At least, I hope they are.
That doesn't mean they are always going to be right, though.
Remember the saying, "Mother knows best"? We make decisions for our children based on their best interest and I think we do a darn good job of it. Two things I'd like to point out regarding this saying.
#1: If mothers know best, isn't it also true that we as adults should know what's best for ourselves and be capable of making decisions that will help our bodies? I had a dilemma at the doctor's office today where the obgyn I was seeing gave me almost opposite information than my other obgyn (Yes, I've been cheating and seeing two of them.). I was a bit confused. "What's that you say, doctor? Clomid has a chance of giving me ovarian cancer but I shouldn't worry about that and should take it for more than 6 months?" Hmm... I know my doctors are doing their best to help me get pregnant. I know they want to be able to tell me, "That urine sample this time came back positive for pregnancy!". I absolutely know that they both care about me as their patient. But what I don't know is which doctor is right. And what I've decided is that neither of them is right or wrong and that I am going to prayerfully decide what happens next for us. I'm almost positive I've made my decision already but that prayer aspect hasn't been attempted yet and I need some time to decide.
So that brings me to #2: If mothers know best and I think I know best for myself, wouldn't it be true that my Heavenly Father REALLY knows what's best for me? I think so! Even though it's hard not being pregnant and it's hard to not be done with school and it's hard to have some of the other trials that we've face, my Heavenly Father gives me those trials to make me stronger and as far as a baby goes, maybe it isn't what's best for me right now. And as far as living with that answer, I'm still alive, aren't I? And I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm also lucky that none of us have to do this alone. I have my husband, I have my two kids, my kids have each other, and my husband has all of us! Oh how glad I am that my kids have each other.

And that's how Suze sees it.

PS: I may or may not let you know what I decide, when I decide it. I know I'm pretty much an open book and I honestly don't mind that. Hope I'm not weirding anybody out with my "open-book-ness" (Yes, that is now a word.).

:)

Infertility

I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've tried to keep my infertility posts to a minimum these past couple of months. But once in a while, I need a break from that break because I need my blog for these things.
For some reason, I knew in my mind that this would be the month we would get pregnant. I wanted so badly to make it so that all of my sisters and I would have babies in 2012. I know I shouldn't compare and I actually feel like I do pretty well with that but for some reason, I was really set on this month.
So when the results from my ob came back negative, I was crushed. Worse than ever before. I cried a lot that afternoon and night and have been kind of a mess since then. The 'Why's" came rushing through my brain and I had periods of anger. It felt like the Month 1 fail all over again.
As I reread through that first months blog post of our failed attempt at fertility, I realized we are nearing the end of a road. I remember Boss telling me that if the fertility didn't work, we would need to make some hard decisions. And here it is, not working.
March was our 12th month. A whole year. A WHOLE YEAR. It's hard to grasp the fact that we have been trying to have a baby that long. I honestly just never thought we would get to this point. Because I was told by someone that it wasn't "infertility" until we hit the year mark. And here we are, big sign hanging over us that reads "INFERTILITY"!
I'm not sure how much longer we will decide to keep trying for Baby # 3. Honestly, I'm not sure how much more my heart can take right now. I have too many decisions to make and sometimes, I wish I could not be the adult for a day.
I want to rush to my daddy and snuggle up in his arms, knowing that everything is going to be ok. I want someone else to decide what road we take next. I want the peace I had 3 weeks ago.
I know I'll find it again but it hurts right now.
I told Boss the day we found out we were not expecting that I just have tunnel vision for a few days. Pretty soon, I'll be over it and be able to accept my challenge again but for a few days after hearing this sad news, my outlook is not as positive.
I promise I'll bounce back. I promise I am thankful. And I promise we will make the best decision that we know how for our family. I just wish I knew what that decision was right now.

Then again, I also wish I was cuddling a newborn baby right now.

PCOS is hard. Infertility is hard. But I can BEAT this. And someday, I'll see the bigger picture, smile, and realize that this really was all for the best.

But today...tunnel vision.

And that's how Suze sees it.

His Creations

Last weekend, I had the wonderful opportunity to head up to Tucson to spend time with my in laws without my husband (well...he drove up halfway through the weekend). I had such a great time and I think my spoiled children did as well.
Saturday morning, I got the kids' bikes out of the car and let them ride on the back porch. I captured this beautiful picture of Petey with my in laws view in the background and I couldn't help but think how amazing it is that God created this.
As I sat outside in awe of the beauty, I started to think that if God can create this among many other miracles, He is the only one who can make it possible for me to have another child.
You're thinking, "Duh!", aren't you?
Often times, I pray for a baby. I say often and not always because it is the truth. I don't feel that it is necessary or showing gratitude if the only thing I ever include in my prayers is a baby. But it is often enough.
I am grateful that so far, this fertility battle isn't running my life. I don't think about it as often as I did that first month. But the past three weeks have been hard.
People with infertility should never work at a pediatrics office. Seeing newborns come and go makes it harder to appreciate the miracles I've been given because I start thinking, "Wow, tons of people have babies. It is so easy. I should be able to do this right now." It may be unrealistic but it is true. I've learned these past few months that I ache most for a baby when I forget what a miraculous gift from God they are. Because when I am honestly thinking about all that it takes for women to have healthy babies, I no longer take for granted the two that I already have and I'm no longer angry about having this trial.
One of the hardest things about being diagnosed with PCOS, secondary to my fertility issues (which so far has been the hardest part), has been hearing of other's stories and battles with infertility. I don't like seeing others hurt. And I want so badly to give them what I already have---motherhood. I ache for you. I pray for you. I hurt and cry with you. Most of my sadness lately has been when thinking about you (and you probably know who you are). I get angry and think it isn't fair for YOU. And if I could choose between having more children or making you mothers, I'd choose to make you mothers in a heartbeat.

I apologize for rambling on tonight. I am beyond emotional from this round of fertility. It has actually been a HUGE blessing to be working during the first half of it because I have been a horible wife and mother and have been yelling moreso than not. :( I try not to make my fertility drugs the excuse but honestly, I can feel the difference when I'm on them and I hate it.

Tomorrow is my last day of working...just in time for the holidays to really begin next week. :)

And that's how Suze rambles and rambles and rambles ad rambles and rambles...

Month 1: Fail

I lost today's battle.
I felt defeated, angry and depressed.
And then I questioned everything I've been telling myself (and others) these past few weeks.
It's ok if I don't get pregnant this month.
I'm focusing on how grateful I am for the things I have.
I'm ok right now.

I thought all of those things were true until today. But now I am thinking I was just hoping I'd be pregnant this month and that I'd be able to push those feelings under the rug because I was indeed pregnant.
Well, it's not the case. And I felt horrible today.
Month 1 of fertility drugs; Infertility: 1, Suzanne: 0.
I know it's only month 1 but I just had such high hopes. Especially since I've been able to get pregnant sooooo easily before. If I used to be able to do that, I figured with fertility drugs, it would all be easy again.

I felt angry today. Serious anger. I haven't resorted to such feelings in a long time considering how blessed I know I am in almost every other aspect of life. While driving, all I could think about was the fact that I felt punished. I felt like this was my punishment for something---but what? And I tried to replay any mistakes or bad decisions I've made. I have been trying to ask myself why this is happening to me when I've been trying to live a good life. Why weren't my prayers being answered? I already know the answer but I just don't want to accept it. Everything is in His hands and He knows when it's best for a baby to come to our family. I know that, it's just a hard thing to accept.

My sister in law used the word "defeated" today and that pinpoints exactly how I feel. I feel so helpless all over again. And I feel even more scared. Boss and I had a talk about this fertility and he told me we have to decide when to stop. He told me he doesn't want me to live my life, obsessed with having a baby, if it isn't going to happen. He is absolutely right but it just scared me so much. We are in the first month and I know we wont have to make a decision like that for a very long time, if ever, but the fact that I could have to face that someday makes me scared.

I'm faced with many emotions tonight, some of which cannot even be described. I cannot decide whether I want to make changes this month or just give this fertility another chance. As stupid as it may sound, it was a hard month with that stuff---and it makes me feel like a psycho, something I don't want to make a habit of being. I just wish someone else could make my life decisions for a while because I'm exhausted.

And yes, I'm grateful for everything else. Please don't tell me that I'm not. That has happened way too much this month and I just want to be able to grieve and handle this in my own way, without being worried that I'm going to receive a harsh comment or a rude email. I know I have a lot. This has just been really hard on me.

Here's to hoping tomorrow's a better day.

And that's how Suze sees it.