I lost today's battle.
I felt defeated, angry and depressed.
And then I questioned everything I've been telling myself (and others) these past few weeks.
It's ok if I don't get pregnant this month.
I'm focusing on how grateful I am for the things I have.
I'm ok right now.
I thought all of those things were true until today. But now I am thinking I was just hoping I'd be pregnant this month and that I'd be able to push those feelings under the rug because I was indeed pregnant.
Well, it's not the case. And I felt horrible today.
Month 1 of fertility drugs; Infertility: 1, Suzanne: 0.
I know it's only month 1 but I just had such high hopes. Especially since I've been able to get pregnant sooooo easily before. If I used to be able to do that, I figured with fertility drugs, it would all be easy again.
I felt angry today. Serious anger. I haven't resorted to such feelings in a long time considering how blessed I know I am in almost every other aspect of life. While driving, all I could think about was the fact that I felt punished. I felt like this was my punishment for something---but what? And I tried to replay any mistakes or bad decisions I've made. I have been trying to ask myself why this is happening to me when I've been trying to live a good life. Why weren't my prayers being answered? I already know the answer but I just don't want to accept it. Everything is in His hands and He knows when it's best for a baby to come to our family. I know that, it's just a hard thing to accept.
My sister in law used the word "defeated" today and that pinpoints exactly how I feel. I feel so helpless all over again. And I feel even more scared. Boss and I had a talk about this fertility and he told me we have to decide when to stop. He told me he doesn't want me to live my life, obsessed with having a baby, if it isn't going to happen. He is absolutely right but it just scared me so much. We are in the first month and I know we wont have to make a decision like that for a very long time, if ever, but the fact that I could have to face that someday makes me scared.
I'm faced with many emotions tonight, some of which cannot even be described. I cannot decide whether I want to make changes this month or just give this fertility another chance. As stupid as it may sound, it was a hard month with that stuff---and it makes me feel like a psycho, something I don't want to make a habit of being. I just wish someone else could make my life decisions for a while because I'm exhausted.
And yes, I'm grateful for everything else. Please don't tell me that I'm not. That has happened way too much this month and I just want to be able to grieve and handle this in my own way, without being worried that I'm going to receive a harsh comment or a rude email. I know I have a lot. This has just been really hard on me.
Here's to hoping tomorrow's a better day.
And that's how Suze sees it.