Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Month 1: Fail

I lost today's battle.
I felt defeated, angry and depressed.
And then I questioned everything I've been telling myself (and others) these past few weeks.
It's ok if I don't get pregnant this month.
I'm focusing on how grateful I am for the things I have.
I'm ok right now.

I thought all of those things were true until today. But now I am thinking I was just hoping I'd be pregnant this month and that I'd be able to push those feelings under the rug because I was indeed pregnant.
Well, it's not the case. And I felt horrible today.
Month 1 of fertility drugs; Infertility: 1, Suzanne: 0.
I know it's only month 1 but I just had such high hopes. Especially since I've been able to get pregnant sooooo easily before. If I used to be able to do that, I figured with fertility drugs, it would all be easy again.

I felt angry today. Serious anger. I haven't resorted to such feelings in a long time considering how blessed I know I am in almost every other aspect of life. While driving, all I could think about was the fact that I felt punished. I felt like this was my punishment for something---but what? And I tried to replay any mistakes or bad decisions I've made. I have been trying to ask myself why this is happening to me when I've been trying to live a good life. Why weren't my prayers being answered? I already know the answer but I just don't want to accept it. Everything is in His hands and He knows when it's best for a baby to come to our family. I know that, it's just a hard thing to accept.

My sister in law used the word "defeated" today and that pinpoints exactly how I feel. I feel so helpless all over again. And I feel even more scared. Boss and I had a talk about this fertility and he told me we have to decide when to stop. He told me he doesn't want me to live my life, obsessed with having a baby, if it isn't going to happen. He is absolutely right but it just scared me so much. We are in the first month and I know we wont have to make a decision like that for a very long time, if ever, but the fact that I could have to face that someday makes me scared.

I'm faced with many emotions tonight, some of which cannot even be described. I cannot decide whether I want to make changes this month or just give this fertility another chance. As stupid as it may sound, it was a hard month with that stuff---and it makes me feel like a psycho, something I don't want to make a habit of being. I just wish someone else could make my life decisions for a while because I'm exhausted.

And yes, I'm grateful for everything else. Please don't tell me that I'm not. That has happened way too much this month and I just want to be able to grieve and handle this in my own way, without being worried that I'm going to receive a harsh comment or a rude email. I know I have a lot. This has just been really hard on me.

Here's to hoping tomorrow's a better day.

And that's how Suze sees it.


Jimmy and Alison said...

So sorry for you. It's rough we are on round 3. Your not defeated ! Try again and hold you head up.

mindy said...

Oh suzanne! Love u girl! I can't imagine what youre going through! U have every right to feel whatever emotions u are feeling...& whoever is being rude to u should bite their tongue! They can worry about their own trials! I hope it happens soon for u & that u won't ever have to decide to quit! Love u girl

Daryl, Natalie and Sadie said...

Hi there, so there is this blk water that helps the body with multiple things because there is fulvic acid it in. I think you should look into it.

There has been stories that this water (the right mixture of minerals) has helped people that have cancer to go in remission, of course with other life choices. It helps with headaches, etc.

Its based in the east coast and slowly making its ways to the stores in west coast but you can get it on amazon as well.

Anyways, Keep trying!!

Kelly said...

I hate when people tell me what I am or am not. They don't know. And no one can say you're not grateful. Secondary infertility is HARD! - Just because you have kids already doesn't make it easier and I hate when people say you should be grateful for what the kids your DO have. Just because you want (or desperately FEEL) more doesn't mean you love or are any less grateful for the children you have. ... Sorry for the rant. Hang in there lady. I have no helpful advice, just support and happy wishes for you and your family.

Mr Lonely said...

walking here with a smile. take care.. have a nice day ~ =D

Regards, (A Growing Teenager Diary) ..