Another Storm

I've endured many storms in my life. Some are big and some are small. Some are ingrained in my memory and others are forgotten.

I can remember quite well the summer I was 10. That was probably the summer I spent the most time having sleepovers with my cousins. There were 3 girl cousins my age growing up. One who lived in California and two that lived here---including a step-cousin I had met when I was 8. We spent a ton of time together that summer. My California cousin came for a visit and I can remember one night in particular during monsoon season, a storm had come into town and our power had gone out.
My cousins and I all huddled around a battery-operated night light that was my baby brother's at the time. My dad had gone outside to check the power and I was so scared. I was scared he would never come back or that our house would catch on fire or flood.

But I had my band. I had my team. My cousins kept me brave that night. I watched the shadows dance off the walls as the thunder cracked louder and louder but I knew I would be ok because I wasn't alone.

Another storm I will never forget was during my days at ANASAZI. Because I was there from June to July, I ended up enduring monsoons in the middle of nowhere---with a 8x8 tarp for protection. The first time I experienced a monsoon on the trail, I started to cry. I begged and pleaded for them to let me go home. I told them I was afraid of storms when I was in my own bed and that I couldn't possibly endure it out in the desert.
We hiked through most of it but when the sun started to go down, we built personal shelters out of our tarps and were sent to bed. This was the very first time I remember feeling completely alone during a monsoon. I sobbed under my tarp and pulled my journal out, aware that the lack of light would prove difficult. But I didn't care. I knew I needed to write. I knew writing would help.
I scribbled out most of my fears almost illegibly but the rain was still pouring and I didn't feel much better.

So I started to pray. I prayed out loud. I pleaded with God to stop the storm because I was scared. I was afraid of dying or getting hurt. I was afraid of the loneliness.

I ended my prayer and laid there for a minute, wishing that God was actually real so that He could answer my prayer.

And just like that, the rain stopped.
I could hardly believe it. I had never received an answer to prayer so bluntly before.
I pulled my journal back out and began to scribble the events of the night. I wrote, "Tonight while it was raining, I said a prayer and asked God to stop the rain because I couldn't take it anymore. And you'll never believe it! THE RAIN STOPPED! There is a God. I know He is there. I know He heard me. I felt Him tonight."

It was during ANASAZI that my testimony of prayer began to grow. I was so afraid of death and I felt like we faced so many dangerous obstacles but each time, we were lead to safety.

The storms I have faced have taught me so much about who I am and who I want to be. Some of them have knocked me off of my feet for a period of time but I've gotten up eventually.

I can see that happening with my current storm. I've been knocked down and I'm not up yet. I'm still figuring this all out and trying to repair the damage. But today something clicked. Today, on another Sunday that we were late for church because I dread sacrament meeting alone with my littles, I was listening in Relief Society about patterns becoming habits and how quickly we can become comfortable and set in our ways and I realized, I don't want to be this. I don't want to struggle to go to church. I don't want my children to get used to this example and think that it's normal that we miss the sacrament 50% of the time, sometimes more.

I may not be where I want to be. I may be struggling with this picture of my life and how it's turned out. I may still question why this has all happened in the particular timing that it has.
I will still struggle to feel like I fit in on Sundays. Some of the lessons will still cause a lot of pain in my heart. I will still feel alone and stressed out most of the time in sacrament meeting.
But it won't be this way forever. 
Because eventually, I'll figure this all out. Eventually I'll be standing taller than I've ever stood. I will face this storm and beat it.

Because I know I am capable of greatness. I know I am strong enough to endure the hard days and enjoy the good days.

Although I don't understand it all, someday I will. Someday I will be able to look back and think, "Wow. I made it through another storm."

When my bravery is challenged...

I'm trying to be brave and strong and inspiring and honest all of the time but you know, it just doesn't work that way.
Because sometimes I feel cowardly and weak and annoying and dishonest. Sometimes I feel like there are pieces of me missing that no one, not even I, will be able to put back together.

I can't seem to break out of my recent fog. It's present and it challenges me to fail---and I try to challenge it right back. I try.

I am thinking today will include early bedtime and a lot of prayer. Feel free to include some of your own in there because today, that is all I ask for. I'm pretty good at bouncing back but prayer helps.
Prayers always help.

Cookies help too. Good thing I have plenty of those laying around today.


That is all, friends. Today, that is all I have for you.

When Answered Prayers Don't Make Sense

When my husband left, I fixated on how this was my fault. I was a stupid 18/19 year old girl who made stupid decisions and ignored stupid red flags. I was simply stupid.

I would tell my therapist this every week. Why couldn't I have chosen differently? Why couldn't I have asked him more questions? Why couldn't I have known better? And she would always tell me, "Suzanne, you need to forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now."

Deep down, I knew that. I knew there was no way I could've known better. I was young and in love. He was attractive and a genuinely nice person and he treated me with love and respect. I ignored red flags because I didn't recognize them as red flags until now. I couldn't have known what I know now.

And the most confusing part of all of this was that I prayed about whether I was supposed to marry him and I received very strong Spiritual answers that he was to be my husband. So young and stupid or not, I had done what I thought was the best decision for my life.

This made me angry for a while after filing for divorce. How could this have been right? Why would I receive an answer to prayer to marry this man and then have him hurt me the way that he did?

And I've come to a few conclusions.

I received an answer to prayer to marry him because it was right to marry him.

 He had free agency and could do with that whatever he wanted. He could choose to leave me, even if it was right to marry me.

I think that's something I've always had a hard time with and something my Heavenly Father is trying to teach me through trials. Sometimes Satan's plan of control looks really appealing to me. I like having control in my life and free agency just kind of freaks me out because nothing is certain!

Satan's plan probably would've made it so I'd still be married but I wouldn't have the intelligence or the trust in God that I have and I'd probably be more confused as to what my purpose on earth is.

No matter how easy Satan's plan would be, easy doesn't make it good.

I still have sincere faith that I received an answer to prayer 8 years ago that I was supposed to marry my husband for time and all eternity. I look back and when I think about the promptings and feelings I had, I don't blame myself for the choices I made---because they were still right. 

And maybe it confuses you but when I prayed and fasted over whether I should file those divorce papers, I received a strong Spiritual answer that it needed to happen. I don't usually make life changing decisions without consulting the person who knows what my future holds and although my answered prayers seem to contradict one another, I have faith that they were both the right thing at the right time. Because the man I married was not the man I divorced.

It all ended kind of sucky but that's ok. I have learned to be ok with free agency for others because I wouldn't want to trade my own free agency for anything. I love having the opportunity to learn and grow and find out who I am and why I'm here.

Divorce isn't as scary as I thought it would be. From the outside looking in, divorce kind of looked like a death sentence. It was something I feared since the beginning of my marriage when things got hard. It was this dark cloud that loomed over me when he moved out of our home.

But divorce isn't the end. Divorce has taught me that I can have new beginnings any time I want. I can wake up any day and decide to start something new. I can make things happen in my life. I can put a genuine smile on my face. I am in control of how I feel and what I do.
And from the outside looking in, people might be confused that I'm "dealing" with this so well and it's ok that they don't know what I've been through and what I'm going through. It's ok that they don't see the dark nights and that they think I'm super strong and amazing all of the time. 

This isn't me being fake.

I really am happy today.

So today, I'll smile.

School Is Hard, Prayer Is Real

School was so much fun the very first semester. Not only was I blowing through my classes with awesome grades (and seriously, I had just become a single mom a week after school started so this was HUGE), I was making new friends and loving my new life outside of "mom life". It was a great time.

So I signed up for my next semester, ready to tackle the new challenges I'd face---but really, I wasn't ready. I was struggling with my worth, my testimony, single parenting, filing the final divorce papers, trying to figure out my schedule, getting my kids to school/babysitter on time, and my math class started to kick my butt a week into school.

I remember signing in to my online math class and just staring at the page crying for ten minutes. I was only a week into the class but I already felt like I wouldn't be able to make it through this class. I worried about what dropping the class or getting a bad grade would mean for my financial aid since that is a huge part of why I'm able to go to school right now. I went to the tutoring center and tried to bring my grade up. It would dip lower and lower with every bad grade I would receive on homework and quizzes. My amazing friend tried to help and spent many hours on the phone with me {she lives in Utah} trying to help me understand everything better.

But I ended up failing the class. And by failing, I mean I seriously got a LOW failing grade. I was really discouraged. I planned to sign up for summer classes but I just couldn't do it. I also usually sign up for the next semester of classes right after I finish finals but I put it off for over a month because I was so bummed about that one stupid grade.

I started doubting whether I could really do this. If my second semester in community college is so hard, am I really going to be able to get a masters degree at a university someday? Everything just seemed so far out of reach and many times, I've considered dropping out and just finding a full time job that pays well enough to support my kids.

But every time I think about getting a job and dropping out of school, I think about our future and my dreams and the reasons I am in school right now. A lot of times in my life, I have found that really hard challenges teach me the most and I'm hoping school will do the same for me. I've never felt like I was a very smart person and school is a really scary choice for me but I am trying to push forward.

I have been praying for two months that my failing grade would not take my financial aid away. I promised Heavenly Father I would do better and I prayed that He would make this possible for me to continue in school. When I signed in to my Maricopa student center today, one of the first things I noticed was my grades and under it, the words "In Good Standing".

I believe in answered prayers. I believe that God knows me and my heart and that He will help me in this journey I've decided to take on. This isn't the easy way but I believe it'll be worth it.

I never did sign up for summer classes because I needed to break to remind myself why I am doing what I'm doing. This is all for our family, not just for me. I still have two months before my next semester starts up and I am so thankful for this time with my kids before life gets undeniably crazy again. Also, I'm thankful to my mom and sisters and friends who are always willing to help me with kids when I'm in class or needing time for homework. I have such incredible support in my life and I really am grateful for that.