Back To Work!

 Four years ago, I was faced with a really hard decision.

Keep working or quit my job.

At the time, Petey was 2.5 and Spidey was 9 months old. It had been really difficult for me to continue working since Spidey had been born but I knew that is what our family needed me to do at that time.

But 9 months into his life, the possibility of staying home became more of a reality. I prayed about it and decided to put in my two weeks at Gilbert Pediatrics.

And for the past four years, I have been a stay at home mom.

I have loved so many things about these past four years. I have loved being with my children and taking them places and having more freedom to make our own decisions of what our day would look like. I have loved watching them grow up from babies into school-age children and being their main influence during these times. I realize just how lucky I am to have had these past four years.

Then a year ago happened. And when a year ago happened, I was faced with another heavy decision---keep staying home or go back to work. And again, I found myself on my knees, pleading with my Heavenly Father to find a way for me to continue to be with my children. With all of the issues they have had, they needed me this year. I don't doubt the decisions I made.

But now I am in a different situation. A year has gone by and I have a child in school full time.

Then my baby decided to go and start preschool...

Really? Is he really old enough for this?

And last week, my sister asked if I would be willing to help her catch up on some billing things down at Gilbert Ped's and I told her that would definitely be a possibility for a few weeks.

And I can't even describe to you how everything has fallen into place. From the preschool schedule to the babysitting to the timing of this job, it has all kind of worked out.

I could do it for two weeks. I knew I could. Even though I wouldn't be there to pick up Spidey from his first day of preschool, we would get through this and he probably wouldn't even care.

But after working most of the day on Friday, I started thinking about how much I love working for my dad's office and being in that environment and I started budgeting and looking at the financial difference it would make.

And so I made a proposal to my sister and my boss and asked for a part time job.

So now I work.

I am a working, single mother of two and a FULL TIME STUDENT with 17 credits.

I might lose all of my hair by the end of the semester but I know that this is what needs to happen right now.

My mom guilt has set in and I made a phone call to Spidey when he got to the babysitter's house after school today to see how preschool went. Of course, he talked for about 5 seconds before handing the phone back.

 It is REALLY hard for me to think about the fact that I am leaving him 5 days a week between work and school and then I have to give him up every other weekend. I am going to miss our leisure mornings together, snuggling up on the couch and talking about life. This kid has been my life for the past four years. My identity has been mother and I have loved it. I still love it. But now I have other identities.

 Just as it was hard to let my big girl go to school ALL DAY, it is going to be an adjustment to get used to being away from my boy.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have the opportunities that I do and there may be a day where I am a stay at home mom again.

But for now, I will make the most of the afternoons I have with my kids and the weekends we get to spend together.

In the Moment

Sometimes as a mother I have a hard time being in the moment with my kids.
Often times, I get caught up in my "stay at home mom duties" and forget that the whole reason I am a stay at home mom is because of my kids. Without them, I'd be working right now. I'm trying to remember that a clean house isn't as important as happy children. I want my kids to want to be home with me. I want them to remember me being with them.
I'm coming to the point in my situation where I'm thinking we may always be a family of 4. There are days that I don't feel ok with that but most days, I just feel so content and happy with the life I already have. I'm excited for my kids to learn and grow. I'm excited that Petey is learning to read and that she wants to try out for dance team. I'm excited to see what sport Spidey likes best when we decide what we are doing for him in August. I'm even a little bit excited that Petey is starting kindergarten this year...but mostly that just stresses me out. I can't imagine a more fulfilling life than the one we are living right now and yet, if we are blessed with more children, I'll be ecstatic.
I'm learning that my life isn't going to be what I always dreamed it would be...it's going to be better. Only God knows what is best for us and no matter what my dreams are, my realities are my blessings from Him. He makes my true dreams come true; sometimes, dreams I didn't even know I had.

People often say that God works in mysterious ways and I agree. Two years ago, I hated infertility. I may never say that I love it but at this point, I can honestly say that I'm grateful for the things that God has taught me through my infertility and I wouldn't change it if given the option. The lessons I've learned are far too valuable for my spiritual well being and I am thankful that God is patient while I try and learn all that He is teaching me. Slowly, I'm getting there.

Busy Weeks

Today is my first day off since starting back at work. Each day that I'm there, I remember how I used to do this every day for 5+ years. I feel so blessed that I am able to go back to help out for 6 weeks but I feel even more blessed that my real job is at home with my children.
I am reminded of how hard it was to drop my kids off each morning. I am reminded of how hard it was on my mother. I am reminded of how hard it was on my heart.
There's nothing easy about being a working mother. I respect those mothers in my life who work to provide for their family while wishing they could find a way to be home. I was that mother and I may be her again at some point in my life.
So I am going to try harder not to take the life that I live for granted. No amount of money could make up for me being away from my children all day. There is nothing I want to do more than be with them.
So Disneyland can wait. A new van and a bigger home can wait. We are too busy enjoying the every day things that make us the happiest and for me, that means family.

In other news, I turned the big 2-5 this past Sunday. I meant to do a fun post like last year but since it never happened, you can refer to the same video I took last year of my trampoline skillz. And if you do laugh at me, just don't tell me you did. ;)

I can do hard things...

I can do hard things...but it doesn't help when people are putting me down.

This post is not just for me personally but for many people whom I know have been put down when they are seriously doing the best they can.

When I became a stay at home mom, I quickly realized that the choice I had made to stay home was not an easy one. My kids are noisy, sticky, whiny, and I had to cook and clean on top of making sure they were taken care of. I soon realized that what my mother had been doing for my children years before that were not easy tasks.

But because I have been a working mother and a stay at home mother, I know they are both hard and I know I can do hard things!

I can remember back to those first few weeks I was home with my kids. I called my mom one stressful day and asked her how the heck she kept her house clean. She gave me some tips and we hung up the phone. About 20 minutes later, my mom showed up on my doorstep with cleaning supplies that I had told her I didn't yet have and she began to help me clean my home.

Since then, my mom has even once or twice stolen my house key (technically she owns the house I live in so I can't really get mad at her) and cleaned my house while I was out and she's even tried to deny it! ha!

My mom's funny that way.

So it makes me sad when I have friends saying they feel judged for their messy homes because my mom has taught me that a messy home is completely normal with small children running around.

Now that doesn't mean I don't try and keep my house clean but seriously, we live here. I could clean all day and there are still things that would be out of place. My kids play and eat. There are going to be dirty dishes and toys out of place. I just do my best and tell myself that the most important job right now is raising my children and giving them my attention.

Ok, so I didn't mean to take so much time on the clean house rant. But alas, I did and I believe everything I said and won't be erasing any of it. :)

Many times in my life, I have felt judged in so many other ways and the worst part is, I usually feel judged for things that I am 1. trying to work on already or 2. not really all that worried about.

I am overweight. This is just a fact. But talk to any PCOS sister of mine and you'll realize that losing weight is not easy without a lot of hard work. I go to the gym at least 4 times a week and that is about it right now. Eating healthy is not high on my priority list and even though it probably should be, my choices are mine.

It's hard to hear comments about your weight from people you love and start feeling totally inadequate.

Losing weight actually falls under both of the categories above for me. I am doing some things to work on it but I also love myself and am not all that worried about the size of my body. I'm a pretty darn great person and I have enough personality to fill a bigger body like mine. :)

 Losing weight is like looking up a steep hill and asking myself if I really want to start climbing it. I take it a little bit at a time and when I make a bad eating choice, I just try again the next meal. And I try and get myself to the gym as often as possible so I can have energy to keep up with my kids.
My mind is not as much worried about what I look like as much as how I feel on the inside.
So yes, when I tell myself I can do hard things and exercise, it hurts to feel put down when I'm trying really hard to build myself up.

Slightly unrelated but still kind of related, I have seen the things my PCOS friends go through and gosh darn it, I can sit here and tell you, we really can do hard things!

I really can do hard things.

Next subject:

I am a parent.

Parenting choices are a hot subject in life because many grandmothers, aunts, or random women feel like they know exactly what is right for our children. I don't mean to sound rude, especially if you are a grandmother, aunt, or random woman who has given unsolicited advice to someone you really love but seriously, can we all just take a minute and think before we speak? I can imagine in my mind a lot of different mothers I know. All of us have at least slightly different parenting styles but that doesn't really matter to me. I can imagine these wonderful mothers and if I asked myself whether they made parenting choices because they want to raise their children the best way they can, the answer would always be yes.

  So to all of you unsolicited advice givers out there, I know you probably mean well but just think about yourself in our situation. We are doing what we believe is the best way to raise our children and honestly, no two mothers really should be parenting the exact same way...because every child is different.
Heck, I don't even parent the two children that I have the same way.
I am hard on my kids when I need to be and I make sure and build up their confidence and self esteem as often as possible. But just because I do these two things does not mean that they are the same for both of my kids.
I deal with separate issues with my children daily.
My son is a hitter so I have to find consequences for him that may not be the same as his sister's.
My daughter is a sass talker so she has different consequences than her brother.

When my children make messes, I expect them to clean it up and if they aren't capable of cleaning it up, they sure as heck are going to be right next to me learning how to clean it up. Responsibility is something I strongly believe in.
I know many parents who don't believe that a 2 and 4 year old should have chores but that's what is great about being a parent. I get to raise my kids the way I feel is best and you get to raise your kids the way you feel is best! And in the process of it all, I hope we stop judging each other's choices and realizing that we are each making these choices because we love our children.

Have I ranted enough? Because I'm not quite done yet...but don't worry, I'm getting close.

The main point of this entire blog rant is kind of what I talked about back here. No one way to live life is right.
Whether it be a clean house, the way you look, the way you parent or really any other choices you make, they are right for you! And mine are right for me.

I love diversity. I love that we have different personalities and different looks and styles and even different opinions. I wish it was easier for everyone to embrace diversity, rather than think that only their certain choices would be best for every single person in the world.

Rant over.

And that's how Suze sees it.