Sometimes I leave my house feeling so very confident...and come home feeling so very inadequate.
I have a constant battle with myself...whether to be thin or carry those 50 extra pounds that I do.
Do I find more happiness in food or in the way I look? It depends on the day...
Sad, isnt it? I WANT to exercise more. I WANT to eat better. I also WANT to spend as much time with my kids as I can. So most days, the exercising hits the dust pan and gets swept away. The plan to cook meals for the week gets brushed under a rug. And I choose to be with them.
I honestly love that I have not written here in over 10 days...You see, I love my blog but these past few weeks have been so fun for me. Instead of coming home and turning on the tv for the kids and glueing my eyes to my computer screen, I watch with them---or we dont watch tv at all. I can see a difference in them when I spend that extra time after work with them. It is ALL I have right now to grow a bond with my children---why would I ever want to miss out on an opportunity like that?
Anyway, yes, that was a tangent. Back to feeling fat and skinny. :) Family pictures with my parents and siblings is creeping up on us in July and so yesterday, the kids and I went to the mall (actually, 2 malls). I was feeling pretty good about myself and the cute red plaid dress I was wearing on our way out the door...and then we stepped inside the mall. It isnt the skinny teenagers that get to me. It is the mom's carting their babies around, acting like said baby MUST HAVE been adopted because there is just no way a woman can look like that after stretching her stomach for 9 months. But alas, as the sweet babies turn to look at me and I can see the resemblance, I know that these babies were not adopted...their mom's are just freakishly LUCKY or must work out every day of their lives. You see, people tell me not to complain about the way I look but to do something. I try to eat healthier but it is the cardio that I want back. It is the flexibility and the muscle. This is something that has not changed since high school. When a great song comes on, I dont think about singing it (though I love to sing). The very first thought that comes into my head is, "I want to dance to this song. I could choreograph something beautiful here." And when the song is over, I forget. I spent countles hours as a teenager dancing in the grass in my parent's backyard. If I was angry, dance ALWAYS got me through. There is just something about it that makes me incredibly happy. I dont even care if I am a great dancer---so long as I never stop dancing. But three years later, I have stopped.
When I miscarried my first pregnancy, it started to happen after I had been exercising. So when I got pregnant with Petey, I put myself on a strict no-exercise-during-pregnancy rule. Same thing with Spidey. I just couldnt bring myself to exercise, hence the gaining approx 40 lbs during pregnancy (both times...but losing it in between) and being completely out of habit to exercise. So now that I am in no shape at all but not planning on pregnancy in the near future, I need to start somewhere. So I've just decided to start dancing. Not anywhere in particular. I think I'll go back to my roots and sneak into my parents backyard this afternoon for some much needed exercise. :)
And maybe next time I go visit Forever 21 (one of my all time favorite stores!), I wont feel so inadequate.