Wednesday, April 9, 2014

A Fearful, Fighting Warrior: My Messy Beautiful

One of the reasons I blog is because I like free therapy. Really, who doesn't?
So today is all about the real in my life right this very minute on this very day.

My name is Suzanne and I fight fear.

Seven years ago, I entered into a commitment that was supposed to last forever. In my mind, it really was going to last forever. That seven year anniversary is coming up next week and yet, six weeks ago, that commitment was dissolved. I thought I would never have to search for love again but here I am, feeling empty handed of the love I once had. I fear being loved.

I was once a little girl who felt judged. I am now an adult who feels judged every day. It doesn't matter if people are actually judging me, I over-analyze every move I make because I'm just certain someone is going to be unhappy with what I say or do. I fear judgment from others and the judgment I receive from myself.

I had have an eating disorder. I always will. Truthfully, it's something I've struggled with since I was 14 but eating disorders don't just up and walk away from your life {I wish they did}. I fear telling you all that because I'm overweight and that just seems ironic. I fear telling you that because I am scared you'll think I'm unstable. I'm not. Well, sometimes I am but it has nothing to do with my eating disorder. Eating disorders are something I want to fight against. Being so personally affected is one of the main reasons I keep choosing to write my English essays on body image or eating disorders. I fear my own body image.

The reason I said I fight fear is because every day, every dang day, I fight these fears. I don't always succeed but I fight.

Throughout my life, dealing with loss, infertility, divorce, shame, etc., I've learned that there are always two roads I can take. Always. I always end up with a choice.

Isn't that a brutiful thing? Sure, it's scary. Sure, I'd like someone to make choices for me once in a while. I ask my therapist to make my choices for me all of the time! Just ask her. Oh wait, I'm kidding. Don't ask her. You don't know you?

Because I was born feisty, I was born with an innate sense to FIGHT for myself. As a teenager, I thought fighting for myself meant defying anything anyone told me because they had no clue. I've heard this referred to as the "eff you teenager" phase. That statement is truer than true for me and reflects a lot of the feelings I've been stuck with. You know, those hard feelings that aren't always surfaced without a lot of work.

So here's what I've learned:

The hard feelings are the ones worth surfacing. The hard feelings make me who I am. They explain my fear and they explain my fight.

I have been betrayed before and I will feel betrayed again before my life is over but I am a single mom with a fighting chance. I choose to fight and fight and fight because life is worth a fight. Life is worth the relief I feel for 5 minutes before the next fight tries to knock me down.

My life is messy. My life is beautiful. My life is beautifully messy.

I like to refer to my life as "icky sticky". I often feel like I'm trudging through honey or peanut butter or maybe even Nutella {who doesn't love a little Nutella?} and I pick those particular foods because they're
sticky and yummy. I pick those foods to explain my feelings on "icky sticky-ness" because everytime life gets "icky stick" {Am I over-using that phrase?}, I learn. I grow. I get stronger. And it ends up feeling a little sweeter and a little better than before it started. Heartbreak becomes beautiful when you choose to learn and grow and have empathy and compassion.

I've learned that life isn't about perfection. Ok, fine, maybe I'm still pretty obsessed with being perfect and maybe I still struggle to find a balance between my fears and my faith but I'm fighting!
This girl is a fighter. This girl has found strength in the BRUTIFUL life she's been given. This girl is WEIRD for posting that picture twice on her blog but she's trying to accept the weird because there are a lot of cool things about this girl.
This girl is grateful for life and love and trials and hard days and wonderful days because they all intertwine to create a beautifully messy life.

This post was inspiringly written for the Beautiful Messy series on Momastery.


Lisa said...

Great job Suz!!!! Well have to talk sometime I hear ya sister.

Lisa said...

Well said. Stay strong, girl.


Janina said...

Suzanne, I have a eating disorder as well. My family all tells me I am fat all the time, tells me to change, but they have no idea what I am going through with everything.It never goes away. It actually is empowering typing this. I need to comes to terms with it. I am so glad you wrote this and inspired me to admit part of my life. You are wonderful.