Friday, April 11, 2014

I Did It Anyway

One time, I hiked the Y. Actually, let me rephrase that, one time I barely hiked the Y.

I had been home from ANASAZI for over a year but had done an extra "dawnstar expedition" on the trail a month or so prior so I just knew I could handle hiking up a mountain. I felt like a mountain woman after ANASAZI, even though I hardly ever did any physical activity once I graduated from high school. I would often drive up to the mountains just to sit and write in my journal and meditate. I still do this sometimes when I'm kidless. Can I emphasize how much this does not count as physical activity?

But really, how hard could it be?
Hard. Really hard. That's precisely how hard it was---hard. Have I overused that word yet?

I remember getting halfway up the Y and I was no longer worried about being cool in front of my friends. I wanted to quit. My asthma was kicking my butt and I felt like I couldn't take another step. I told them to head up without me.

I could not do this! I convinced myself it was too much. It might've just been a small mountain but that day, it was too much. I sat there for a while feeling silly that I couldn't make it up a stupid mountain that thousands of people have hiked. Where was the fighting Suzanne?

On that particular day, I had a choice to make. So I took a little time to think about it and then I got up and started walking. I took one step, and then another, and then another.
When I got to the Y, I may not have been as enthusiastic as I would normally describe myself but I had done it. I had done something that, 20 minutes prior, I was convinced I couldn't do.

Isn't this kind of how life goes for all of us? We look at other people and the trials they face and we mentally pick which ones we would or wouldn't be able to handle it.

So what happens when we're given the trial we decided we couldn't handle?

This is what I was faced with when I was diagnosed with infertility almost 3 years ago (Oh my heck, THREE years?!). I couldn't handle it. But I did it anyway.

The marital problems came flooding in a year later and at the time, I wasn't sure how I could stay married. I wasn't convinced this could be my life forever. But I did it anyway.

And then my marriage dissolved and it wasn't my choice. I had found happiness in my marriage and it dissolved right before my eyes. I was CERTAIN I couldn't handle it. But I did it anyway.

Sometimes I tell myself I won't be able to handle school AND being a single mom AND babysitting but each day, I do it. I do it because I know it is important. Sometimes I do it just because I have to. Sometimes I handle it gracefully and sometimes I'm convinced my kids would be better off being raised by someone else. But I do it anyway because that is what I need to do.

When you have yourself convinced that you cannot handle the things you've been given, remember that you are stronger than you think. Your Heavenly Father gave you the ability to fight the things you need to fight if you let Him help you.

You can handle anything with God. You are a fighter and you can do hard things.

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