Saturday, August 9, 2014

You Are Not An Object

***Dear Mom, Don't read this one. It talks about sex. You have been warned. 

At the splash pad yesterday, some friends and I were talking about this article that has been popping up all over Facebook called, "Five Reasons to Have Sex with your Husband Every Night".
Immediately, I wanted to barf and send swear words through the air in the biggest megaphone I could find.

But I hadn't read the article so yesterday, my opinion was invalid.

And today my opinion is no longer invalid.

I even read the article with the best possible scenario of an open mind. I tried to understand the writer's thoughts and feelings but as soon as I got to reason #2, my mind was mostly made up.

This article is not only unrealistic, it borders on possible objectification of women. And yes, it was written by a woman. I will say that a few of her suggestions were fine. I just cannot get on board with this idea as a whole. Are you seriously telling women what they should or shouldn't do with their own body? Because I have a major problem with that.

My least favorite line stated, "Men are far simpler. They need to be fed, they need to be appreciated, and they need to have sex." (I guess since I used a direct quote, I have to add the source as well) Correct me if I am wrong, did she just say they need sex? As in, if a wife doesn't "give it up", her husband might possibly die or search high and low for a female WHO WILL KEEP HIM ALIVE.

Let's try to keep the word need out of a sentence when also using the word sex, mmmmmmk?

Sex is great but it is not a necessity.

The thing is, when most of us imagine marriage, we imagine a lot of perfection. We imagine a lot of bliss and laughter and romance. And some of us get that for a while or maybe even for the long haul.

But most of our marriages don't end up the way we thought them in our heads.
The images we created become foggy. The day we said our vows becomes a distant reality, far from the reality we currently face.
We have financial instability, marital strife, late nights with puking children, etc.
 Our perfect family life becomes mixed with arguments and stress and LIFE.

Life isn't perfect. Marriage isn't perfect. And I am so sick of these articles that depict SEX as a way to make your marriage more perfect. In so many relationships, that can be an extremely damaging subject to talk about.

Because we are not objects and we do not owe anybody anything, not even our spouses. Wait, especially our spouses. Because marriage is an EQUAL relationship and is about intimacy on a level much deeper than anything phsyical. Marriage is about two equal people who feel safe with each other.

And the very second you start telling someone what they should or shouldn't do, regardless of how safe they feel doing so, you walk a dangerous line of inadvertantly showing that person they are failing. They are failing because they've said no when they are so worn out, all they want is to hold hands as they fall asleep. They are failing because after a full day of raising children they cannot please the one person who should love them regardless of their physical intimacy.

Marriage isn't all about sex.

And the second we learn that, the better off we will all be.

The second we stop telling each other what we should and shouldn't do for our marriage or relationship to be better, we will be better off!

Because you have never been in my shoes and I have never been in why in the heck are we giving each other advice on subjects that are so intimate and sacred between two people?

What happens when the abusive husband reads that article? Or the addict spouse?

Pieces of advice as blunt as the one I am currently discussing are dangerous and can give people a narcissistic power. They can also cause the submissive spouse to give in more than they feel comfortable.

My brain reads articles like this and says Danger! Danger! Danger!

So I guess I'll end with this. I don't fault the author. I don't fault those of you who agree with the article. In a normal, healthy relationship, that article might have pieces of advice that could help the healthiest of healthy marriages.

But as it is with most of our cases, we have ALL gone through or will go through patterns in our marriage that are lower than low, where we may feel like we need to make changes.

So if it comes to that point for you, please remember that you will always have the right to safety in your marriage. You will always have the right to make decisions and not feel pressured to change things you don't want to change.

You have choices at every turn of your life.

Make your life what YOU want it to be.

Because you are not somebody's object.

You are God's child.

The end.


Dobble Addy said...

The article's disclaimer should read:

"Warning---this may make dusche bags act mightier than they are"


But what it really SHOULD read is :

"Warning----this article does not apply to addicts, those with "little" pornography problem, abusers, and men who participate in unrighteous dominion. (Aka only 30% of men since the rest are addicts with "little" porn problems)"

Patricia Moore said...

I love this on so many levels. I want this message to be streamed across the internet for the entire world, especially our fragile and mislead youth, to know that there ARE choices, you CAN say no and STILL BE OKAY!!! I hate the pressure that too many people put on this subject. I hate it, with all of my heart. Almost every single thing I regret, especially in my marriage, I could have avoided if I had known I had the RIGHT TO SAY NO AND STILL BE LOVED.

Thank you. A million times a million, thank you.