Monday, October 3, 2011

How General Conference changed my mind.

This weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to listen to General Conference. I took notes from every single speaker, which is something I don't think I've ever accomplished before.
Today, I wanted to talk about the talk that made a big impact on my life. Elder Neil L. Anderson seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear and everything he said touched my heart. He spoke about families and how the family is central to God's plan. He reminded us that God told Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth and that that commandment still remains in force today. When to have children and how many children we have is a completely personal thing between a husband and wife. We should not judge each other for the amount of children we decide to have or when we decide to have them join our family.
That first part helped me a lot because I feel it goes both ways. I've heard a lot of comments since then by people, saying that we should not judge if families choose to only have 3 kids or small families. But honestly, there have been many times where I've gotten weird looks or rude questions when I've mentioned we want a big family...5-7 kids. I know that there will always be people who judge you or I for certain decisions we make. But that part of his talk made my heart happy and made me realie, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If we want a big family, that is our personal decision and it is a good decision because we believe it is.
When Elder Anderson's talk took it's next turn, the tears starting pouring. I was typing vigorously to try and remember everything he was saying. He talked about how life sometimes seems unfair. Especially when our greatest desire is to do exactly what the Lord has commanded. He went on to speak of those who have not been able to get married, those married couples who have not been able to have children, or those parents who have not been able to have the desired number of children they wanted. You can see where I started crying, right? I've been feeling that way for a while now and expressed those feelings of being punished a few posts back. I didnt write down much more of what he said because I wanted to soak it all in.
The comment he made about how life seems unfair, especially when our greatest desires are righteous ones, has stuck with me. I thought about that all of Saturday and realized in pinpoints my exact feelings. Where have I gone wrong? What have I done to deserve this? His talk helped me better understand and think about those feelings.
Then, of course, Sunday came around and after hearing Elder Robert D Hales, I felt like that was the missing puzzle piece to my mystery-of-feelings. Elder Hales spoke of why people have trials. He emphasized that trials do not only happen to bad people, they happen to everyone. He reminded me of why I am here on this earth---to grow. My purpose on earth is not to have everything handed to me and never learn how to exercise my faith. He really helped remember that we may not always understand our trials but if we endure to the end, we will be blessed.
It may not be easy to live with PCOS and not be able to have children when I want them, or to ever have as many children as we originally wanted, but I know I am learning and growing from this trial and that it is necessary. I may not understand why it is necessary but someday, I will be able to see and understand the big picture.
And for now, I trust in God that He will help carry us through this trial.

And what's a post without pictures? These were some of the happiest days of my life so far. They are the reason I desire more...because I have such a deep love for each of them. These days were special and I hope I get to experience some more days similiar to these. But one of the things conference helped me to change was my urge to have a baby right now. I know that seems weird that a weekend of speakers could do that (and yes, I still want a baby soon) but I've realized how obsessive last month was and it didn't help our family out one bit. And since they are the people whom I already know and love, they come first.

And that's how Suze sees it.


Jenna said...

I loved that talk, too. Such powerful words.

Amanda and David Jones said...

I have endometriosis which can also make it difficult to get pregnant. When my husband and I tried for another we had to go to the doctor for meds because I wasn't ovulating. The first round of meds just made cysts on my ovaries HUGE and pretty painful... but no viable eggs. The next month we added another medication. The cysts got larger but we had eggs! ... then nothing happened. I ovulated, but nothing took. :( Trying to get pregnant makes us women put so much pressure on ourselves to be "perfect" in all the ways we can (don't stress, eat right, get enough sleep, excersise, blah, blah, blah). The more we tried and nothing happened, the more discouraged and stressed about it I became. My husband and I decided to take a month or two... or more, off the medications. In addition to all the doctor visits, it was getting expensive. Then the very month we stopped trying we got pregnant. It's bitter sweet though. I'm very happy to have another; it's what we want!!! But I feel so nervous about anything that can go wrong that I'm not letting myself get too excited because I fear being let down. Sad, right? I think so!

All that being said, I agree that the added focus, pressure and stress I put on myself to succeed did nothing put hurt our chances. And even now that I'm pregnant I still focus more on my children that are here with me NOW than I do about the one that is on the way. I feel blessed and grateful to be pregnant. I will feel 1,000,000% better once the baby is here, healthy, and thriving, because then the stress will lift.

All, I can say is: YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING!! Continue to focus on your husband and you children here with you. The ones waiting will come. Who knows when, but they will. You love your children so incredibly much and focusing on them will do nothing but help them and help you! You're an amazing mother and if you continue what you are doing, the puzzle pieces will eventually fall into place. :)

Kambria Smith Robinson said...

Thanks for your post. As you may have heard, Nat is pregnant so its obviously been a touchy, full-of-judgement topic around here (having been married longer than her and being 2 1/2 years older.) Anyway, you are awesome and the Lord is just preparing you to be able to receive the amazing blessings ahead :)