Breathing, Living, Learning, Growing

I am a huge fan of music. Music helps me cope with a lot of things in my life, especially this past year.
Lately, I've been going back to the same two songs most days.

Colbie Callait's 'Try': I have been listening to this on repeat as I sit in the carpool pick up lane at my daughter's school and start to feel anxious because that 20 minutes in the carpool lane is often my only quiet time to think about life. I turn it on when I look in the mirror and realize I was brave enough to fight my eating disorder and get myself in recovery months ago and now I'm here---and it seems like just yesterday I was there. And then I start to worry because am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I a good mother? Am I worthy of someone marrying me and taking on the responsibility of my children? Will I be wonderful enough that a man would choose to do that when he could marry someone who doesn't have kids and an ex husband?

These are real thoughts and they run through my head a lot. A lot.

"You don't have to try so hard. You don't have to give it all away. You just have to get up. You don't have to change a single thing."

I feel so unworthy of dating. I feel so unworthy of love. But Colbie helps me remember how hard I'm trying and how I don't have to do that. The right guy and the right friends will love me not for how hard I try but for who I am---for who I am right this very moment.

Christina Perri's I Believe is also at the top of the list. Everytime I hear the last line of the chorus, I can feel in my heart the exact words being sung.

"I have died so many times but I am still alive."

Because I have died. I have felt loss and abandonment and insecurity times a thousand this year.

But I am still alive. I am still fighting. I am still moving on with my life.

I'm trying to be the mom my kids need and the provider they need and still be me and do things for myself.

If you're wondering how well that's working for me, refer to my mention of anxiety above...

But this is life and I'm fighting through it. I'm still breathing. I'm still waking up every morning.

These past few weeks have had a lot of hard moments intertwined with the normal busy chaos. I was planning a trip to Las Vegas with some friends and in that same week, Spidey started having meltdowns that I was leaving him so much.

I tried to spend quality time with both kids before leaving but as I drove away that night, I felt so much guilt. Because although I knew I needed some time to myself, I felt like the worst mother for walking away at the worst possible time.

I was having an incredible time. The days were some of the best I've had in a long time. But each time Spidey would call and cry, I would feel so torn between relaxing and just getting back to him and holding him.

Each day, I was laughing and relaxing and having some of the best conversations with some of my favorite people and each night, I prayed so hard that Spidey would feel comfort and that he could just enjoy his time with his dad.

Just leaving on this trip was brave for me. I have never been on a girls trip that didn't involve family members. I knew that when we started planning this, it would be tricky. Because although I have a few friends I tell everything to, I have so very many friends who mean so much to me and I've never been a fan of "clicks".

But it ended up being totally fine and I'm grateful for that because I worried about it. And I'm not the only one who worried about it.

These girls have been through a lot with me. Three of them spent the evening at the temple with me the night my husband left me. The other two have been equally incredible this year. I know this trip wasn't just planned by me and it definitely wasn't for me alone but it certainly was a perfect way to remember where I was a year ago and look at where I am today.

These friends were some of the first to know what was happening as my separation turned into divorce and they have checked in on me, even when I just wanted to stay in bed all day and cry.

Visiting the Las Vegas temple was high on my list and I'm so glad we fit it into our weekend because it was one of the highlights. I had the opportunity to really feel peace and relax and I stopped worrying about the kids for a while and think about what I needed in those moments.

Did I mention I was brave enough to wear my Porn Kills Love tshirt as we walked down the strip of Las Vegas?

The second we decided to go to Vegas, I knew I wanted to wear this shirt because this subject is something I believe so strongly in.

This is something I will never back down from. Ever.

As fearful and intimidated as I get around people, I just cannot take a back seat when the subject of pornography is brought up.

This week, in my Philosophy of Sexuality class, we watched an amazing video by the XXX Church about how porn kills. It was powerful and yet, I already knew what most of my class would think about it. As the video started, so did the snickers. The girl in front of me kept whispering to her neighbor, "That's so dumb. Porn kills what?!" and I wanted to shout, "PORN KILLS LOVE! IT KILLS MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES AND CAREERS!"

I could feel my heart beating all the way from my forehead to the tips of my toes. I felt like the video was going on forever and I wanted it to end because I knew what would happen next.

When it finally ended three hours eight minutes later, my teacher asked what our thoughts were and without another second, my hand shot up in the air. I took a deep breath and said something very similiar to this:

I know that my opinion won't be very popular among this class. I could hear the snickering and the confusion of what porn kills. I could see the eye rolls and the shaking heads. And I get it. Before last year, I didn't quite understand what pornography was capable of either. But my marriage was ruined because of pornography. My husband left me last year and my kids have had to endure our divorce and all of the pain that comes with their feelings of abandonment. Porn kills love and even if you think that statement is dramatic, I am living proof that it can be a true statement.

Pornography addiction has caused enough trauma in my life that I no longer am willing to sit in a room and not share my opinion if the subject is brought up. I knew I would not have an audience of people who understood what I have lived through but I will never regret that opportunity I had to share a part of my story with a room full of young college students.

I used to view pornography as bad mainly because of my religious beliefs but I never really knew what an addiction to pornography is capable of doing to an individual, to a marriage, and to a family.

There were some hard moments, walking around Vegas and seeing pornography and a lot of other things that made my heart so sad. This really is the world we live in.

I guess if I could just have one wish come true from all of the things I've learned it would be that each and every one of you who decides to click on my posts and read my words will do whatever you can to protect your families from pornography. And also that you'll love the people around you and have compassion. We can't understand everyone's situation but we can make a goal to try and remember that everyone has a story and everyone has trials. Try not to be hard on the people around you.


I am still alive tonight, friends. Although I've been so broken for so long, I see healing and the possibilities that come with moving on. When I look back on everything I've done this past year, I am hopeful that this next year will be full of even more growth.

God stretches me and teaches me and I am trying my hardest to learn what He wants me to learn.

2014: Day 17

Day 17: Your Favorite Memory

I felt immediately blessed that upon reading today's writing challenge, multiple memories came to mind. I've had a great life so far and I'm so lucky to remember so many wonderful things.

The memory I've chosen for today is something that has always been special to me.

My favorite {and only} brother is adopted. He was born when I was 9 3/4 years old. His adoption was finalized when he was 15 months old, the day before Halloween. And then on Halloween, 15 years ago, I was the luckiest 11 year old in the world because I got to be in the temple with my whole family while my brother was sealed to us.

I don't feel like I took that day for granted, which is a common feeling among a lot of good things in my life. I remember feeling so special that I was younger than most people who got to step inside that sacred place. I remember getting a new white dress and feeling like an angel. I remember how calm and peaceful my autistic little sister was. I remember how calm and peaceful I felt.

I am so lucky that these people are attached to me for eternity. My brother has always been one of my best friends. I was extremely attached to him in high school and cannot imagine what life would've been like without him there. My darkest high school days were a little brighter because of him. And the happy days were happier than ever because of him.

I have a strong testimony of temples and the sacred things that go on inside. I feel so blessed to have a knowledge of forever families.

Cancer walks and temple trips

What a week.
I had two favorite days this week that both involved a very special place we like to visit.
My first favorite day started when I realized I didn't have enough favorite pictures of my son to put up on my picture collage wall.
So with this adorable face in tow, we headed to the Mesa Temple grounds to get some good pictures. Sister came along too. Yes, she sits in the very back of the van. It's just easier that way since I feel like we're always carting around cousins or siblings that have a hard time climbing into the backseat. And a temple trip is not a temple trip without my kids listening to Jesus speak to them. They LOVE that part. (Petey was begging to go back today so she could hear Jesus talk again.)Then, a quick bathroom break and an adorable smile from my Petey.And then it began. This boy is always full of cheese and he is always SO busy. Can you see why it's hard to get pictures of him? :)Sibling love. I love, love, love this picture! Another sibling picture. I'm not quite sure what they were looking at, though. :)Isn't he adorable? Yesterday I said, "You're my sweet baby boy." And he said, "I not a baby! I big boy!" And I got emotional and sad thinking that my little boy is already in his "big boy" stage. He is supposed to stay my baby!!!!!!! But really, I can't deny that he's a big boy. He is a little smarty pants.

This brings me to my second favorite day. On Thursday, my aunt (Well, Boss' aunt) watched my kids so I could make a trip to the temple for February (Remember my New Year's goal of going every month?). The temple is such a special place and brought me so much peace this week. I realized how great my life is and how blessed I am. And I also learned that happiness is attained, not given. We each choose whether we are happy or not. Life is hard at times for everyone but life can also be filled with happiness for everyone.
Another thing I realized this week happened as I climbed South Mountain for the Climb to Conquer Cancer 11 mile hike. (Yes, 11 miles. My legs are dying right now!) It brought back memories of 3 years ago when I couldn't attend the cancer walk due to being in the hospital at 9 weeks pregnant with Spidey. I had completely forgotten the feelings of that awful day (that obviously turned out good). I had been having stomach pains only on one side of my stomach and when I called my ob, he told me to get to the hospital right away because the most common thing when only have one sided abdominal pain in pregnancy is a tubal pregnancy. The whole way to the hospital, I remember crying and talking to my husband about what could happen. With a tubal pregnancy, they often abort the baby to save the momma or in certain cases you keep the baby but it ruins your tubes and prevents any more pregnancies. I remember grieving and thinking that I was going to lose this child and that I may never be able to give Petey a sibling.
Obviously, it wasn't a tubal pregnancy. It was actually nothing but an overreaction (Embarrassing!) but I'll never forget the feelings of sadness as I thought about my daughter not having a sibling. Even just imagining that made me so sad so it breaks my heart when I see people actually going through it.
So today as I walked, I chose to focus on the fact that she DOES have a sibling and that we are SO blessed. I cannot reiterate enough how special I feel to be the mother of these two precious people. And I also cannot express enough gratitude to my Heavenly Father who gave us these children and who made everything ok with my second pregnancy (It was the easiest pregnancy ever!).

And that's how Suze rambles on and on and on. :)

A Plethora of Pictures

I finally finished Mr. Spidey's birthday collage, filled with everything he loves so we can remember what he liked at the age of 2. Also, if you're wondering why we didn't do a birthday interview, I think the best age to start that tradition is age 3. So he'll get one next year. Now onto the rest of the blog post...

Spidey's two year pictures did not turn out well. He was really mad and did not want his picture taken with all of his Toy Story friends and I was pretty bummed that it just didn't work out that day.
So today, as we were sitting on the couch and the kids were watching a movie, I decided to dress them up a bit and head on over to the temple to take some pictures (a post on the temple visit at the end of this week).
I got tons of great pictures (and a couple of funny bloopers) so I had to come share my favorites with you. And there are many.
Of course, the second we got there, Petey started giving me cute smiles and perfect poses.

She is really good at the whole camera thing and loves it a lot.

Then I tried to get a group shot...and in all seriousness, this is the best one I got. I just cannot get a good picture of both of my kids sitting next to each other.

Of course, Petey on her own gave me another good pose. Sassy girl.

And another good pose.

Then, I got my first good one of Spidey. He may not be smiling but that face is totally my boy. He had something mischevious on his mind.

He is a ball of cheese, I tell ya. I wish I could get more genuine smiles from him but usually, this is all I get.

Then they wanted to take pictures in the tree. Petey asked me to hand Spidey to her and umm...it just didn't work out. :)

So she took a couple by herself.

That scrunched up nose is making me laugh.

And when I started playing peek-a-boo with Spidey, the real smiles showed up for a few minutes.

Such a cute, happy boy, that two year old of mine.

Doesn't he just look old?!

Of course, many snacks and other forms of bribery were involved to get some of the good pictures taken. This boy just does not like my camera! He usually runs away unless I bribe him. :)

Then, I put the ASU jersey on the Bubs because Grandma needed some pictures for the book she is writing about our Spidey (a tradition she has with the grandkids).

Seriously, what is up with the scrunched nose? It's hilarious.

And well, this is how it all ended. :)

Hope you had a fabulous Wednesday!

And that's how Suze sees it.