I look back on those first few weeks and wonder how I even got to this point. I used to always tell people that I was dealing, sometimes happily and sometimes with a heavy heart. But what nobody saw and what nobody heard were the car rides where I would yell up to Heaven and ask, "Why?" I felt like less of a woman. I felt small and insignificant. And I felt like it would be ok if my life ended sooner than originally planned (The original plan has always been to make it to 100. :)). I was not suicidal but I was depressed.
Besides losing a spouse or child, infertility was the one trial I thought I could not handle. Month 1 of fertility came and went and we were not pregnant. Month 2 and Month 3 were also fails and we are now smack dab in the middle of month 4. That is, month 4 of fertility, month 8 of trying to conceive.
In the beginning, most days felt like I had a dark cloud hovering over me. I didn't want to be around friends, family, or anybody else because I knew all I'd want to talk about was my PCOS and thought everyone would get annoyed with that. As it turns out, I probably should have trusted my heart and opened up to those that I trust, instead of ignore and try to act like things were ok, when they weren't (because I'm really not that great of a liar). 
I had many days like this. I cried a lot, mostly at bed time or in the car. As I look back, those times were very dark. I felt like I could not escape the constant tug at my heart for a baby or for my body to just feel normal again. I wanted out. For a while, I stopped really appreciating my life. But slowly, the clouds began to open.
And I'd feel a break in the storm. My trial became a beautiful heartbreak and I am still surviving daily. But there is an indescribable amount of gratitude that I have for my life.
I may sometimes feel like there is a dark cloud hovering over my head but I will always know that there will be a break in the storm.
I write this post not to relive those dark days and feelings but to show you a glimpse of how hard it actually was. If you are going through something similiar, look for the the break in the clouds and you will find sunshine.
And that's how Suze sees it.
2 comments:
Suz, I know those feelings so i've been doin the fertility stuff too and I hit 30 next month wondering if I will ever be able to have a baby. I feel like i've had to wait for everything in my life and am hoping this is just one more way Heavenly father is trying to teach me patience but baby or no baby I've made a decision to be happy and that my time to be a mother will come someday....its a very hard process though.
Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry you are going through this.
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