Wednesday, August 24, 2011


On Tuesday, I made our family blog private. This was due to a very hard diagnosis I was given that day and I wanted a safe place to write down all of my feelings.
It's only been 36 hours but I'd like to share a portion of that private entry with you. I know it is long but trust me, this was only a small portion.
"Today was a sad day. After 2 months of not having a period and doctor's trying to figure out why that is, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).
Last week when the doctor called to tell me they were suspecting this, I cried. I cried throughout this whole week. So when they actually confirmed that it is PCOS, I was surprised when no tears came.
The nurse, Linda, explained some things about what we would be dealing with, the biggest being that I would have to take fertility drugs if I wanted to get pregnant. Unfortunatly, that was one of the biggest reasons we had come to the doctor's office. We have been trying to get pregnant for 5 months now and when my period stopped coming, I was extremely excited that we would be welcoming another little one into this world. I took 3 pregnancy tests before contacting the doctor and starting this whole process. In my heart, I hoped that the answer was pregnancy and not a problem with my body.
But I was wrong.
It hit me hard the day my labs came back and Linda talked about PCOS. I was trying to listen and focus and all of a sudden, I heard her say, "fertility drugs". My heart stopped. This couldn't really be happening to me. Me, who gets pregnant the very first month every time we try to have a baby {until now}. This didn't make any sense to me. My body does pregnancy really well. My last pregnancy was as perfect and routine as they come. How could this have happened?
Linda didn't have an answer to that last question. She said it happens to women and they don't know what causes it. It doesn't matter if you've had 8 kids, it can happen at any time. But once you are diagnosed, it doesn't go away."

I have really mixed emotions about this entire thing. There are so many life changes coming my way and I am extremely overwhelmed (Boss's appendectomy didn't help either.). I am so grateful for the two children I have been so easily blessed with. That is mainly the reason I wrote that gratitude post yesterday. I don't want to whine and complain about this but honestly, it is a big deal! It is my life. Whether I already have children or not should not make it so that I am not allowed to be upset about what my body is going through.

I dont like the word infertility. I have never wanted that word associated with my body. Honestly, it's something I've always been afraid of. Always. And now it's happening.

I wrote down some more information on my private blog about the PCOS that hopefully will help to keep me healthy. I had no idea that having this would affect anything other than my ability to conceive a child. But unfortunatly, there is a lot more to it.

"One thing I am going to try is something my sister's friend, Angie, told me. She also has PCOS and knows much more about it than I do. She explained that because our blood sugar is now messed up (kind of like a diabetic), to regulate my system I should find out if it has become hard for my body to break down certain foods. She went on a sugar/lactose/wheat free detox and then slowly built each of those food groups back into her diet, to see whether she had an intolerance to any of them. I know it sounds silly but cutting those things out of my diet is going to be super hard. Like super SUPER hard. But Ill give it a try if it's going to help regulate my hormones and maybe even help us get pregnant.

Really, I just want to be yesterday. I know I'm being selfish and I have some more time before there is a huge gap between my kids but I'm scared for how many more times it'll be possible for me to get pregnant and part of me just wants to be pregnant right now to reassure me that it can still happen after being diagnosed with PCOS
. "

I'm scared. I'm truly, truly scared because I wasn't quite ready to be delt such a challenge. I know we'll overcome it and I believe we have more children coming our way. I'm just really scared.

I haven't decided whether I'll keep posting about my PCOS here or start a new blog that focuses on it more. Right now, I'm just kind of overwhelmved with it all and trying to figure out as much as I can.

And that's how Suze sees it.


MommySaidThis said...

I received the same diagnosis 10 years ago. I've actually had all the typical symptoms for the last 20 years. It wasn't until I started really questioning why I wasn't getting pregnant and pushing for answers that my md got serious. Keep in mind this was 10 years ago. Things have improved a lot since then. Due to PCOS and multiple other medical complications we were told our chances of conceiving, even with fertility treatments was slim. We were devestated. There was no way we could afford those kinds of treatments, so we kept hoping, praying and trying. It has been a long and rough road (mainly due to the OTHER medical issues), but I am happy to report that we have three beautiful little girls. The first was conceived with only a little help, and the other two with none. I guess I just want to give you a little hope, to let you know it's not impossible and that you're not alone.

ladychiara said...

I'm not really sure what to say as a stranger but just wanted to wish you all the best as you deal with this devastating life changing event. Gentle hugs to you.

Traci said...

Hey! So sorry to hear that! It sucks-I know, but it will get better!!

Jenna said...

I'm really sad for you, Suze. That's one of my biggest fears, too. If you need help cutting dairy out of your diet, let me know! I did it when I nursed Carson. It is easier than you think and you can eat most hard cheeses so that's good.


Sarah said...

Oh Suzanne! I'm so sorry to hear this! I know how frustrating it is to NOT be pregnant! I haven't been diagnosed with anything as of yet, and not sure that I will go in for any testing, because I know when the time is right I will have a pregnancy that sticks around. In the mean time, I've miscarried 5 times in the past 3 years. The gap is only getting wider and it frustrates me! I have faith though that when the time is right, it will happen. I have had impressions that atleast 1 child is missing from our family, but I would gladly welcome more if that ends up being the case. Keep your head up. It will all work out!

Lacey Bryce said...

I dont know if you know me, i know of you from high school but im not sure we've ever really talked. I worked at your dads office doing twilight for a while. Anyway i just wanted to give you my two cents and although our challenges are different the end results are the same. I have endometriosis and was told from the tender age of 14 i might never have children. When my husband and i were married we started trying right away. After a year, and countless failed pregnancy tests (and lots of tears) i started fertility drugs. They're easy, and for me they worked. I know a miracle dr if your interested... Ive had 5 friends unable to concieve until they saw him.. now 4 of the 5 have kids. Keep your chin up... it is hard no doubt about that, but it makes you appreciate those tender miracles that much more! “God never bestows upon his people, or upon an individual, superior blessings without a severe trial to prove them.” Brigham Young
This quote... got me through a lot.

hkfarnsworth said...

thank you for you for sharing some of your feelings. I find strength in other womens stories.. Huston and I have been trying for about 10 months to even have our first child. and we are having no luck. I have not started any process with any doctor yet. but we probably will here shortly. Good luck Suzee. im sorry :(

Ashley Madsen said...

I don't know if you remember me from high school. I was friends with your husband. Im so sorry to hear of your struggle; I just thought I'd put some comments for you to think about since I am VERY familiar with infertility and it will always be a part of my life. (my situation is different. We don't have almost any count on his end of it so we will always be using the most intense fertility to get anywhere). I know it is overwhelming at first and it will take some time for it to sink in. I had such a hard time at first, but it has become our norm, and I am surprisingly ok with where we are and the progress we've made. You might feel totally alone, but you aren't. There are so many people out there who go through it and it helps so much to find those people and just vent sometimes.
I do know quite a bit about PCOS even though I don't have it. From experience of other friends and a sister for some reason the 3rd baby just seems to be a bit harder to conceive. I have no clue why. My sister did fertility with her 3rd, but has been successful on her own since. I have another friend that just did the basics in fertility for her first, and immediately got pregnant with her 2nd. (she had a bad case of PCOS) I have another friend who had a tough time with the first, and hasn't had any problems since. It is all up to God as long as you are doing what you can. All the doctors I have been through (and from my friends opinions too) the best way to improve on PCOS is to take the best care of your body that you can. Exercise and drinking tons of water can do wonders.

Sorry this was a bit much, I just wanted to give you some hope. Just remember you aren't alone, and you can do this. It does get better.