Sunday, August 28, 2011

Dealing

Right now, I'm dealing with a lot. At first, I thought it was too much but that was until I remembered God will not give me more than I can handle (1st Corinthians 10:13). So now, I'm trying to sort through everything and deal with it in my own way.
In the past couple of days, I've felt like people have looked at me and been confused as to why I'm grieving any of this. Because my youngest isnt even two. Although it's mostly personal, I'll try to somewhat explain the way I'm feeling.
I am ready for a baby. Five months ago, I was ready. That mixed with my impatient personality makes it hard to deal with the fact that I cannot just physically choose to have a baby right now. I had one person actually say, "Why are you even trying to have a baby right now? Your son is still so small." I understand that he is young but coupled with the fact that it takes 9 months to get the next baby into this world, I am just ready. There is not much I can explain that would help you understand exactly how I am feeling but it is a enormous amount of heart ache.
In the middle of playing games with my in laws last night, I was suddenly overcome with sadness. Everybody thought I was upset about the game but I can assure you, that was the least of my worries. I just get sad sometimes. I cant predict when it'll come on or what will trigger it but many things are sensitive to me right now. I apologize to the many of you that have to deal with that and see me lately.
We looked at pictures yesterday as we were trying to get everything moved from one computer to the next (which hasnt happened yet) and I saw a picture of Spidey in the sling. I started to cry because I miss that.
So I'm dealing. Between my blog, Twitter and Facebook, I write about my emotions and try to sort through them as they come. This sugar/gluten/lactose detox has been hard because I am reminded every meal about the changes I am having to make. My husband is my greatest cheerleader and keeps me going. I keep trying to talk myself out of the detox for one reason or another and he somehow keeps me on track. I don't think I could do this without him.

BUT...if you think I'm selfish for not just appreciating the two children I do have, I promise I do. This diagnosis has brought such a closeness to our family. I don't think Boss and I have really fought in a week (petty arguments don't count :). And I stare at my kids and wonder how I got so lucky. Everybody whom I've talked to with PCOS {and doctors} have been so surprised that we have gotten pregnant twice with no issues. I realize how much of a blessing my two children are. And with that, comes a lot more bragging about them on my blog. As if I dont already do that enough. :)
A day or two after my diagnosis, I was having a hard afternoon and Boss was gone to school. The kids followed me out back while I was cleaning and asked to jump on the trampoline. Then Petey asked for me to turn the hose on. Normally, I would say no---too much effort to dry them off, bathe them again, etc---but that day, I said yes. Because there is just nothing more enjoyable than hearing your children squeal with delight.

Especially when you spray them in the face.

And they kept coming back for more.



As I watched them run around, soaking wet on the trampoline, I wondered how many times Ive missed out on moments like this because the easiest answer was "no".

When we came inside and everybody was cleaned off, the kids were goofing off on the couch.

Spidey decided I needed a mini heart attack so he stood on the arm of the couch and jumped. "sigh" My daredevil boy.

Then, Petey and I were both cracking up because Spidey was trying to put her shorts on...

And he fell over. Luckily, he fell straight on a pillow or we may not have been laughing.


I realize that my diagnosis has helped me to not take my kids for granted. I am grateful for that eye opener. Just wish I could take the rest of this away.


But here I sit, just dealing. Sometimes happily, sometimes grieving, but always dealing.


And that's how Suze sees it.

3 comments:

mindy said...

love you suzanne! you are a trooper & such a good momma! its good to know you have options besides the diet too! but i hope it all works out for ya! love ya

Daryl, Natalie and Sadie said...

I was never friends with you but knew you through stake activities. I read your last post regarding this and it broke my heart for you. Then reading this, I am really sorry that people have said comments that made you feel like you have to defend yourself in any way.

I too have had issues with a disorder making it harder (nothing is impossible) to get pregnant. It broke my heart, even though I already have a child i knew I wanted more. I remember growing up and always saying if I cant have children I dont know what I would do in life, it was my calling.

Although people have advice or opinions I hope you know some people understand somewhat what your going through or somewhat what your meaning. Of course you are so blessed to have 2 children. I never doubt that, and I understand why you want your kids close together. Your emotions are your emotions and thats ok to express.

Thankyou for sharing your feelings on this blog and not just your personal one. I will continue to read! I like you being real!
Natalie Gumm

Glemser Family said...

Hang in there Suzanne! Keep busy with your two sweet kiddos while you are waiting for the next one to come! It's just a matter of "when," not "if." I really wanted our kids to be closer together, but obviously Heavenly Father had other plans for our family. I know you will be able to overcome PCOS and have many more adorable children.