Friday, January 18, 2013
Isn't this enough?
But today has been hard. Some days are and most days aren't. I get angry that my body isn't able to do something that it used to do so easily. I dream about the pregnancy tests being positive instead of all of the negatives I've received in the past 21 months.
I'm sick of thinking about the ways we are going to tell our families or the adorable baby names we may never get to use. I'm sick of everyone around me being pregnant and not even understanding that it isn't always that easy. I'm also sick of being angry at all that others are pregnant. It is so selfish of me. I'm sick of feeling like none of my personal friends or family understand what I'm going through. I'm sick of feeling like everyone around me thinks that with more time, I'll just stop feeling this way. I'm sick of dreaming about having a baby that I'll get to stay home with full time and not have someone else raise them. I'm sick of posts like these. They may not be as often but I'm just so sick of feeling this way. I do not want to hit the 2 year mark! I didn't expect it to take this long and I'm honestly just surprised that we are almost to that milestone. How can it be 2 years?
Mostly, I'm just sick of not feeling like that above picture is enough. I know it's enough. I know it's a great blessing. Why can't I feel like that every day? Why are there days that I get angry or sad or frustrated? I want this to be over. I want to always remember my blessings instead of feeling weighed down by infertility.
I have so much. It needs to be enough. I just don't know if time heals that or if I need to work harder to make that my reality. Two kids are a blessings. Especially two well-behaved, mostly polite, ridiculously cute, loving kids.