Sunday, March 30, 2014

Distant Memories

 Sometimes it seems unreal. Sometimes it seems too much to try and remember the good.
Because the good from back then is just a distant memory.

It isn't because I don't want to remember or even that I can't remember but once everything came crashing down---not last August but 2 Augusts ago, I felt like that was when my life changed forever.
The tension was different.
The hope was different.
The trust was different.
We were a dying bush that needed so badly to be nurtured. We needed care and patience and we got that, in the form of marriage counseling.
Because my marriage didn't survive, you might think I'm not a believer in marriage counseling but wholeheartedly I am. Marriage counseling brought something dying back to life for a while.
Marriage counseling taught me. I believe marriage counseling made it so when I was abandoned---a word I don't use lightly but that describes exactly my feelings from that day---I was able to pull through and not break down completely. I was able to function as a mother and I was even barely functioning as a person in society.
Marriage counseling showed a less active dad how to become more active. Those memories are now foggy and hard to fathom because if we were doing well, why? If those memories were ones of joy and laughter, why? Maybe we were just doing well raising our kids together...

I feel a lot of betrayal. Betrayal, abandonment, and betrayal trauma are words I think of when describing all of this. This wasn't a death, it wasn't abuse, but it was traumatic. Going from learning to trust someone to realizing you trusted someone at the very moments you shouldn't have has made this all an experience that feels like a thorn in my side.
I feel stupid for not recognizing the signs, for not recognizing the problems. I feel stupid for not seeing the lies or trusting my gut---because my gut was telling me there were problems.
I feel a huge pressure to be this awesome person and this awesome mother all of the time and when I fail, I'm harder on myself than ever. People often tell me how strong I am and how amazing I am and this buoys me up for a bit before I started questioning why they believe that.
Do they just read my blog? Are they just an acquaintence? Is this someone that spends enough time with me to recognize how imperfect I am?
This is Satan, my friends. Everything I just described above is Satan. It is his way of reminding me that he will always be there, tempting me and telling me I'll never get better and that I'll never get away from horrible things. He tells me not to trust. He tells me not to believe in my future. He tells me that I suck at being a mom and that I'm too fat and too stupid to succeed.
 He doesn't want me to be carefree and to find my brave self. He doesn't want me to believe in a world where I can be mother, friend, counselor, and even a good wife again.

But I do.

Yes, I struggle with these beliefs often right now but they haven't completely left. When I fail to be the mother I know I want to be, I can work harder the next day. When school seems like it is too hard to handle, I take it a day at a time and just try. And when I'm feeling like it would be impossible for a man to love this person that I am, I try to remember that God has placed me on this earth for a certain reason. He sees the potential I have. He recognizes all of the good I have.

I just need to start recognizing it with Him.

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