Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Happy Sad Angry Unfair Grateful

I wanted to make myself get right back on here after that last post and shout from the roof tops how grateful I am for life! I hated leaving things on such a negative note. I always hate doing that. But it was real and I'm trying to just accept that and move on from it.

Moving on means trying to be a better person, a happier person. I succeeded on Monday. Monday was a better day and I knew God had given me that because of my feelings from Sunday. But things go up and down around here. I'm not always happy and I'm not always sad. Some days that are hard still have incredibly happy moments mixed in. It isn't all bad.

I promise.

The memories are still hard. I'm still trying to work through this new phase of hard. It feels different than the others because it isn't just something I can stop or erase. Memories are there forever and blocking them out will do me no good. Trust me, I've successfully done that before and it didn't help.

I keep wondering if we were really happy, if I was really happy. What did that feel like? What changed it? When did it change? Is there something I could've done?
I look at pictures to remind me that I was happy. It wasn't an act. This was real. I was living my dream life, being home with my kids {despite the many opinions of others before and after this big life change}. And the thing is, I still am living that dream life. I didn't have to pick up and go back to work full time. I got lucky that I'm able to be in school full time---even though, at the moment, it doesn't feel lucky because school is hard and a lot of tears have been shed today over that stress. But that is another subject that I hope we never talk about because there would be a lot of whining and feeling sorry for myself.

And the kids were happy. That is another thing I have a hard time fathoming. I have a hard time remembering those days before the added anger and sadness. I have a hard time remembering the differences from before, when life seemed a lot more secure for them. Everyone says that maybe they are just in phases because of their ages and that could be partly true but as their mama bear, I know things have changed in them. I see it. It breaks my heart and I want to take it away.

Petey will often complain about how life isn't fair anymore and you know what? She's right! Life isn't fair for her. It isn't fair to have to choose between your mom and your dad. It isn't fair that most of the time, she only has one of us available to her. It isn't fair that she has to go to bed at night with kisses from one parent and never both. It isn't fair that she had no say in this. There wasn't any way for her to put up a fight or ask us to reconsider and she just doesn't fully understand.

Someday it might make sense to her but today, it isn't fair.

The funniest---or not so funny---part of my last post and the outreaching I received afterward is that I feel that way a lot of the time. There are a lot of hard days and hard nights but I don't like talking about them all of the time. If I'm completely overwhelmed, I talk about the really hard stuff but when I'm in between, I will often shy away from talking because I want to feel normal. Almost all of my friends are married mothers who have husbands that come home at night and I want to feel like I fit in, like I'm not some center of attention because my life is so sad.

I don't think my life is so sad, by the way. I truly don't. The hard will get easier. I believe that 100%. A divorce isn't the worst thing that could've happened to our family. Life changing as it may be, it isn't an end all.

So today, I'm alive and I'm grateful for so many things. On the days or nights that I can't seem to find that gratitude, I will rely on my Heavenly Father to buoy me up and keep me going. I know He loves me. I can tell you that as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, God loves all of us and knows what we need. We are never alone. Ever.

No comments: