It's hard to explain quite what I'm going through right now but trust me when I say, it really seems like too much.
I had a little bit of a heads up regarding certain things that were going to happen this week and I thought that would make yesterday easier on my emotions---turns out, it didn't.
Yesterday, I was released as the 2nd counselor in the Relief Society Presidency in my church. I was only called into the presidency 5 months ago but the rest of the presidency had been in for 3 years. I never really gave that thought when I was first called. I never really thought about being released so soon after becoming attached to something that I knew was not going to be mine forever---but I did get attached and I did get extremely emotional yesterday as I heard my name called from the pulpit.
I've been trying to decide why that is. Why was I so emotional? I know callings aren't forever. But for the first time in my life, I did not want to be released.
You see, Boss and I have been in Primary most of our adult lives. I've only had a 4 month break and then most recently a 6 month break and Boss has had about a 1 year break but has never had a calling outside of Primary. So when we've gotten released from those various callings, I don't want to say we were excited to be leaving those sweet kids but we were always excited about what could be coming next.
Pessimism is becoming too much a part of my life and when I got released from my calling this time, I hardly believed there would be anything I could love as much as being a part of that presidency.
I'm not angry, just sad.
And since I don't have a new calling yet, I'm nervous about what is to come next.
I will miss feeling like I am deeply a part of something. I will miss having built in friends because I'm not the greatest friend maker. I know I will stay friends with my presidency but when you've been feeling kind of lonely, weekly meetings and other things that are happening throughout each week help you to forget that lonely feeling. I will miss feeling like I'm needed because I don't often feel that way, unless it is regarding certain adorable children that I get to call my own.
I know it was for the best and I know with all my heart that our new Relief Society President is the best thing for our ward right now.
I know it isn't all about me. My family reminded me of that often growing up and I'm not saying that in a resentful way. I know I tend to think of myself and get down on myself often and whining has never gotten me anywhere but sometimes, all I want to do is whine. And I do tend to have a hard time living without a best friend so losing that the many times it has happened in my life has kind of made me not very eager to make friends.
So my sadness is definitely selfish. I'm not sad about who was called into the presidency. I'm selfishly sad.
I just feel like there is a lot on my plate right now and feeling so connected to Relief Society is something I am going to miss because it was an escape from the every day things that stress me out.
But with all of the trials I am facing these days, I am hoping it is for the better. I know I need family time right now and I know I need to learn how to cope without a built-in escape and I'm hoping that this will help me learn to do that.
I know my sadness will leave. I know I have so many things to feel grateful for and I am beyond grateful for all of the things I've been blessed with. I just need to make it through these trials and be willing to let go of the stress so I can find the happiness I had a week ago.
So that's what I'll be working on this week. And I didn't mean for this whole post to be about my being released. It really hasn't ruined my life. :) I'm just a little bit stressed out with life right now.