Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Hard, Happy, Selfish, Angry, Faithful, Grumpy, Beautiful

Today is a hard day to explain.

I've had many low days---a lot of them in the past 2 weeks.
I didn't think it would be possible to pull through. Two weeks ago, I looked at my future and it didn't look bright.
I couldn't handle these new truths. I couldn't handle the reality that I'm learning has been the past 6 years of my life. I just couldn't do it.

Too painful. Too hard. Too real.

But three days ago, I hit a breaking point. I realized I am not this girl! I'm not the girl who breaks down in church on Mother's Day because she is so grumpy about her current life. I am not the girl who is inconsiderate of others' feelings because I'm so busy wrapped up in my own sad world. I am not the girl who acts selfishly instead of serving others.
I'm just not.
I'm not saying I'm perfect but I've always found joy in helping others and it's always been something that I love to do.

I had a wake up call that snapped me out of this hatred that has started to fester in my heart. I am not going to give in to Satan! I am not going to abandon my faith and my kind-hearted nature (Are you laughing about that last part? I swear, I try to have a kind heart.).

Monday, I fought. I fought so well that I wondered if this would just be easy.
But Tuesday was harder. Tuesday took a little bit more out of me when I fought---but fight, I did.
And today has been one of the best days I've had in a LONG time. Because today, I don't question my faith in God and I don't question my heart. There are too many explanations that made up today being a great day and I won't go into them.

But I am grateful; grateful for a day of peace, grateful for hope, and grateful for the people in my life. I know I talk about "the people in my life" often. The funny thing is, they aren't always the same people. Heavenly Father knows who I need when I need them and someone always seems to be there who can help me through whatever crap I'm going through.

I cannot deny God's hand in any of this. I just cannot.

After such a wonderful day, I signed onto the computer and was staring at images of my Petey from her recent birthday photoshoot and I just couldn't help but be amazed that I've been a mother for almost six years now.
Through all of the trials and all of the heartbreak, I know I am where I need to be right now. Being a mother is the most important thing in my life and I often am in awe that my Heavenly Father gave me THESE kids---because although they aren't perfect, they are perfect for me.

I love life today. I wasn't sure if I would ever fully feel that way again. I can guarantee you I will still struggle but tonight, I am overwhelmed with how much I love my life---my current life.

1 comment:

B said...

♡♡♡♡ I love this! I love you!