Wednesday, May 7, 2014

We Could've Done This

I used to blog with tons of pictures and hardly any words---funny how that changes when you feel the need to process and write because you have SO MUCH to get out. People tell me I'm "so good at blogging" but the thing is, without blogging, I feel like I'd go crazy.
This is my space. It is the place I share what I am going through, what my family is going through, and where we are. I tell you things I don't always like telling people in person because talking about the hard in person is awkward and guess who is the world's most emotionally closed off individual? THIS GIRL!
Ask me to be funny and I'll do it. Ask me to open up to you and I probably won't do it. Because I've been taught through life experience that trusting individuals is hard and scary and my emotions are really vulnerable and messy.

I've been burned to the core by a man who should be in my house right now, laying next to me on the couch, watching our favorite shows. I have a hard time watching The Big Bang Theory or Scrubs because those were our shows. Those are things we should currently be doing together. And yet, he is there and I am here. I have a hard time with this even though I'm going to be ok. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the things that went wrong because I am trying to convince myself that although there are always things I can be working on to be a better person, I couldn't have made him stay. I couldn't have changed the decisions he was making for years prior in our marriage. I couldn't have made myself more appealing to him to keep him here.
But ask me if I really believe that. Ask me if I really believe I could've done things differently. Ask me if I blame myself for the things that were essentially out of my control---because I do. I'm just trying really hard to get to a point where I don't.

I know he occasionally reads this and I know his family members read this but I'm so sick and tired of not being more real with how I feel. Because the truth is, he made choices. He made choices that essentially ruined a huge part of my life and his own life---and I say that because I wholeheartedly believe this could've been great and I 3000% believe we would've been a family for eternity.

If we would've been damned from the beginning, I think I'd feel a little bit better about all of this but we weren't. We could've done this. We could have done this!

And it sucks to feel so out of control and to be so angry at a world that I still long to find the good in. I want so badly to see through rose-colored glasses once again. I long to see others as my Heavenly Father sees them, instead of looking around and seeing the heartache and pain that is so deeply embedded into the world around me.

It gets better, right? I will once again believe in humanity, right? I sure hope so because I want to. So badly, I want to.

In the meantime, I'll be over here doing what I normally do, dreaming of the day when I am capable of more. Because someday, I will do more and I will change the world---or not---but I'll try.

Bravery at it's finest, my friends. I can do hard things.

4 comments:

Kelly said...

Hopped on FB to see a comment my mom made about flan... and this was at the top of my feed. And Suzanne, it was SO refreshing. I can't find a better word. Sometimes it feel GOOD to throw that stuff out there and not dance around it on eggshells. So, I hope you feel good "being real" as you said. Because that is a good way to be and even if it isn't pretty, it feels good to be real. Hats off to you, gal.

A L Gilbert said...

Sometimes, when things get hard in our relationship, when we say things we don't mean but maybe we do, I think it would be so easy to just call it quits. Then I think no, was can do this. We can work through this rough spot, even though it seems as though the rough spot is going on for too long (months, years.) I just hope he keeps thinking the same thing cause I'd hate to give in if he did ask to end the marriage.

Angela Vincent said...

Suzanne,
We could've done it too! Like you said, I think that's the hardest part to let go of. It didn't have to end this way! Hell, it didn't have to end EVER!! But it did end. So there you are and here I am, picking up the pieces and holding them together the best we can. You are amazing. Thanks for blogging. God bless you in your journey.

Tiffany Crespin said...

I thank you for your blogs. I read them and often find your words inspiring me in my own life. This blog helped me in a huge way today. Thanks again keep on bloggin!