I used to blog with tons of pictures and hardly any words---funny how that changes when you feel the need to process and write because you have SO MUCH to get out. People tell me I'm "so good at blogging" but the thing is, without blogging, I feel like I'd go crazy.
This is my space. It is the place I share what I am going through, what my family is going through, and where we are. I tell you things I don't always like telling people in person because talking about the hard in person is awkward and guess who is the world's most emotionally closed off individual? THIS GIRL!
I've been burned to the core by a man who should be in my house right now, laying next to me on the couch, watching our favorite shows. I have a hard time watching The Big Bang Theory or Scrubs because those were our shows. Those are things we should currently be doing together. And yet, he is there and I am here. I have a hard time with this even though I'm going to be ok. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the things that went wrong because I am trying to convince myself that although there are always things I can be working on to be a better person, I couldn't have made him stay. I couldn't have changed the decisions he was making for years prior in our marriage. I couldn't have made myself more appealing to him to keep him here.
But ask me if I really believe that. Ask me if I really believe I could've done things differently. Ask me if I blame myself for the things that were essentially out of my control---because I do. I'm just trying really hard to get to a point where I don't.
I know he occasionally reads this and I know his family members read this but I'm so sick and tired of not being more real with how I feel. Because the truth is, he made choices. He made choices that essentially ruined a huge part of my life and his own life---and I say that because I wholeheartedly believe this could've been great and I 3000% believe we would've been a family for eternity.
If we would've been damned from the beginning, I think I'd feel a little bit better about all of this but we weren't. We could've done this. We could have done this!
And it sucks to feel so out of control and to be so angry at a world that I still long to find the good in. I want so badly to see through rose-colored glasses once again. I long to see others as my Heavenly Father sees them, instead of looking around and seeing the heartache and pain that is so deeply embedded into the world around me.
It gets better, right? I will once again believe in humanity, right? I sure hope so because I want to. So badly, I want to.
In the meantime, I'll be over here doing what I normally do, dreaming of the day when I am capable of more. Because someday, I will do more and I will change the world---or not---but I'll try.
Bravery at it's finest, my friends. I can do hard things.