Monday, May 5, 2014

Little Me

I go back to the pictures of Little Me and I want to tell her to run! I want to tell her that it gets worse, that people are not to be trusted, that life is rough as hell.

Because tonight, that is how I feel.
Her smile was real. She didn't know what life was going to give her. She was chubby-cheeked, curly-haired, and invincible.

Oh how I wish chubby cheeks were cute at my age.

Trust is such a hard thing, my friends. Trust feels like blindly walking through a room full of scorpions. You can get stung at every turn, with every choice. But maybe you won't. Maybe you'll walk past every scorpion, dodge every sting. It's a gamble every time because we are only in control of ourselves. Anyone can let us down, anyone can lie.

Bad analogy? Sorry, my brain has been going a mile a minute for the past week.

I often wish I were that little girl. I wish I could be her with the knowledge that I have. I know that isn't the way life works but I'm kind of burnt out with big decisions and being a grown up. Navigating through this adult world is harder than I ever imagined it would be.

I want to trust life again. I want to trust people again. I want to look around a room full of people and see mostly good. But I don't. I'm afraid of fully living because letting go and giving my all to people is scary.

Anyone can leave me.

Trials open your eyes to reality and the reality is that life is imperfect and messy and scary.

It's hard for me to feel so negative because this doesn't feel like the real me. But I've been told to just let myself feel what I'm feeling instead of keeping it all inside of me so that's what I'm trying to do.

I'm trying to be real without being sad on here all of the time. I'm happy sometimes. I'm doing well sometimes. But other times, this is so hard. Other times, I struggle to keep my head above water.

Today's good news? It's finals week and I decided against taking any summer classes so I'm almost done for the next 3.5 months!

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