Thursday, November 17, 2011

His Creations

Last weekend, I had the wonderful opportunity to head up to Tucson to spend time with my in laws without my husband (well...he drove up halfway through the weekend). I had such a great time and I think my spoiled children did as well.
Saturday morning, I got the kids' bikes out of the car and let them ride on the back porch. I captured this beautiful picture of Petey with my in laws view in the background and I couldn't help but think how amazing it is that God created this.
As I sat outside in awe of the beauty, I started to think that if God can create this among many other miracles, He is the only one who can make it possible for me to have another child.
You're thinking, "Duh!", aren't you?
Often times, I pray for a baby. I say often and not always because it is the truth. I don't feel that it is necessary or showing gratitude if the only thing I ever include in my prayers is a baby. But it is often enough.
I am grateful that so far, this fertility battle isn't running my life. I don't think about it as often as I did that first month. But the past three weeks have been hard.
People with infertility should never work at a pediatrics office. Seeing newborns come and go makes it harder to appreciate the miracles I've been given because I start thinking, "Wow, tons of people have babies. It is so easy. I should be able to do this right now." It may be unrealistic but it is true. I've learned these past few months that I ache most for a baby when I forget what a miraculous gift from God they are. Because when I am honestly thinking about all that it takes for women to have healthy babies, I no longer take for granted the two that I already have and I'm no longer angry about having this trial.
One of the hardest things about being diagnosed with PCOS, secondary to my fertility issues (which so far has been the hardest part), has been hearing of other's stories and battles with infertility. I don't like seeing others hurt. And I want so badly to give them what I already have---motherhood. I ache for you. I pray for you. I hurt and cry with you. Most of my sadness lately has been when thinking about you (and you probably know who you are). I get angry and think it isn't fair for YOU. And if I could choose between having more children or making you mothers, I'd choose to make you mothers in a heartbeat.

I apologize for rambling on tonight. I am beyond emotional from this round of fertility. It has actually been a HUGE blessing to be working during the first half of it because I have been a horible wife and mother and have been yelling moreso than not. :( I try not to make my fertility drugs the excuse but honestly, I can feel the difference when I'm on them and I hate it.

Tomorrow is my last day of working...just in time for the holidays to really begin next week. :)

And that's how Suze rambles and rambles and rambles ad rambles and rambles...

1 comment:

Emmy said...

You never need to apologize for venting on your own blog. I hope things can work out how you want.