How to Feel Good When You Don't Feel Good

 Well, that was interesting. I had almost an entire blog post up and I deleted the whole thing---on purpose. Let's try this again and see if I approve of today's message.

Do you ever struggle to feel like you are a good person? Are there days you compare your weaknesses to someone else's strengths?

 

I hope I'm not the only one.

 

Some days, I find that I'm just so darn hard on myself. I hear other people tell me I'm so helpful or friendly or inspiring and I don't feel like any of it is true. I feel fake because I struggle on a daily basis to make good decisions and be a better person. I'm not inspiring---I'm barely keeping my head above water right now. Am I being fake because I have a smile on my face even on some of my hardest days? How can I be a good person when I don't always make good decisions?

 

I try to be a genuinely good person. I try really hard to help others and pick them up when they are down. So why do I find myself thinking that isn't good enough? Why do I still feel like I'm not a good person when I am a good person?

 

Are you confused yet? Or have you ever felt this way?

 

I was reading in the scriptures today and 3rd Nephi 24:18 really jumped out to me.

"Then shall ye return and discern between the righteous and the wicked, between him that serveth God and him that serveth him not."

 

What a simple verse of scripture that is. The scripture doesn't say "He that succeeds in doing everything perfectly his entire life is righteous." It plainly states that if we are trying, if we are doing our best, we are righteous.

 

Satan tries so hard to convince us we will never be good enough. He is constantly bombarding society with lies that we need to be perfect to be good people. He wants us to feel like we are failing when we struggle.

 

It's hard sometimes. Actually, it's hard a lot of the time. It's hard to believe the things other people see in me. It's hard not to put myself down and tell myself I should be doing better. But my Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally---with no conditions. He loves me when I'm doing well and He loves me when I struggle. He wants me to succeed but He understands that we are here to learn and sometimes, we make mistakes.

 

My knowledge of His existence is real. I don't just think He is there---I know He is. I'm going to struggle through this divorce and I'm going to succeed. It isn't going to perfect. In fact, at times it will probably be messy but I know He will still love me. I know I am righteous because I desire to do good.

 

My goal this week is to keep Satan out. I will pray often, study my scriptures, and believe in myself.

2013 Review Extravaganza: The Last 6 Months

Well, I crapped out on last week's review extravaganza because it was an extremely hard week for me {more on that in another post} so I decided to make this week's review of the last 6 months. Is that even allowed? Apparently it is since I'm doing it.

July:

July was one of the easiest months this year. Ironically, I wouldn't name it our best month but I sure as heck had no idea what would become of the months after.

I wrote one of my favorite blog posts of the year on self worth and how my perspective had started to change.

 Petey was working so hard in dance and was becoming quite flexible, especially for a little girl who was not born with a flexible bone in her body.

My business was in it's starting stages.

 We were even crazy enough to paint Petey's room "Pepto Bismol Pink" to match her beloved Hello Kitty bedding. She still loves it just as much as she did the day we started.

August:

 My princess had her first day of Kindergarten and looking at the above picture still tugs at my heart strings.

 Petey's flexibility improved even more in August when she mastered her "tummy roll" she had been learning in acro/tumbling class. That girl is determined. If she sets her mind on something, she will do it.

Unfortunately, I didn't blog the entire rest of August. I couldn't bring myself to lie and say that everything was fine but it wasn't yet appropriate to talk about our separation and possible divorce. August was an extremely lonely month for me. I was surrounded by some of the most incredible people but there were so many hardships I was beginning to face.

September:

 I took my boy camping while his sister had her first overnight with her dad. It was an extremely, wonderfullly hard weekend without her but I'm learning how to deal with them being gone more often. Kind of. It's still really hard. Maybe next year I'll get used to it?

I wrote another one of my favorite posts of the year about attaining happiness amidst trials. Going back and reading that was extremely powerful. The timeline of that post was about a month after my husband and I separated. It was also around the time that I knew where that separation was leading us. I find happiness in knowing I am a child of God. No matter my trials, I know I have a divine purpose.

Another post that stuck out to me in September was my feelings through music. I don't think I realized back then that anger was starting to settle in. I see it now and understand it is a normal part of the grief process.

October:

 In October, my baby turned 4. I still can hardly believe he isn't a baby anymore. Four is just way too old. :)

I wrote about the story of Suzanne.

 And we celebrated Halloween by taking my friends FOUR children for 3 days. That was an adventure I'll never forget. :)

November:

 Petey had her first dance team performance at the Arizona State Fair. Even though she looks way too old with all that make up, she was a rockstar and did absolutely amazing.

 My friends and I did the ROC (Ridiculous Obstacle Course) Race. Oh my goodness, was it fun! I am so lucky to have the best friends ever who make life so very interesting. :)

One of my favorite posts in November was this one on judging others. "Good choices don't always equal good consequences right away. Sometimes it takes a little bit of pain before we get to feel the good."

I blogged about our annual tradition of attending Time Out for Women with my sisters and mom.

I talked about how I'm freaking awesome.

I talked about how amazing my friends are.

I even mentioned One Direction in a roundabout way.

November ended with a post on why I'm thankful for my life.

Wow, apparently I had a lot of blogging on my mind in November. :)

November was also the month my amazing friend took some pictures of my kids and I. They are absolutely gorgeous and I will forever be grateful to her for these pictures.

December:

December started with a post about believing in myself. Oh wait, did I not mention I also started school in August? Literally the same week of our separation? And did I not mention I finished all 4 of my classes with good grades and am ready to rock another semester in January? Oh I didn't? Well, I can't believe I skipped over that. Starting school was a big deal for me. I have a long ways to go but I'll get there.

In December, you'll find another good post on surviving trials. This isn't something I've done---it's something I'm currently doing.

You will also find one of my "most read" blog posts on the loss of tradition. It was hard to wrap my mind around not having my kids on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning but I'm here to tell you that we survived and it was a really great Christmas.

If there's anything I've learned this year, it is to have faith. Faith was actually my "word" for the year and it couldn't be more fitting. I know God has a divine purpose for me. I know I am His daughter. I also know He doesn't keep us from feeling heartache and pain. We have free agency and we get to choose whether we are going to be happy or angry or sad with our lives. My goal is to choose happiness.

Thanks for another great year, Emmy Mom. I love recapping with you year after year. :)

Push Past the Hard and Find the Good

The truth seems plain. I can do hard things. But sometimes, it just isn't as simple as that sentence.

Yes, I know I can do hard things. I know I am brave and strong and able to take on anything life throws my way. But I'm not always able to do it right away.

Numerous times this week, I've had people call me an inspiration, brave, strong, and positive. I appreciate every single one of those comments, even though they sometimes feel out of place because I don't always feel brave and strong and positive and I especially don't feel like an inspiration. But if my words have inspired you, I am immensely grateful for that.

Part of my purpose of blogging is selfish. I love to write and writing is like therapy for me. But there is another purpose that is near to my heart and that is helping you. If I could help one person through the words on my blog, this is all worth it. Well, either way it's worth it {Remember? Lover of writing?} but helping you is the cherry on top.

When I look in the past, present, and future, it is easy to feel overwhelmed with life because sometimes, life is really hard. It is easy to feel like it will never get better, or ask why did this happen to me? but it is possible to push past the hard and find the good.

So how do we get there? How do we even begin to find the good when we are so overwhelmed with the bad?

I believe it's different for everyone. Everyone handles the good and the bad differently. Everyone feels differently.

For me, it started with service. I've already mentioned how something as simple as taking cookies to a neighbor helped me out of my funk. One thing that helped me through infertility and continues to help me is holding babies. My friends are all having babies right now {That's water I won't be drinking for a long time} and often times, I'd describe it as service when I help them with their babies. Sometimes, it's purely selfish but most of the time, I do it because I know they need it. I remember what it was like to have a 16 month old and a newborn. Wow, talk about doing hard things. It was extremely hard for a while and I had tons of family around to help ease that anxiety for me.

So is that it? Does service make our pain completely disappear? No, it doesn't. Service eased my pain and helped me to grieve in a way that was conducive to my life. It didn't make everything better.

Another thing I'm learning right now is that some grief just takes time. There is no magical button or healing power that takes it away in an hour, a day, or a week. Healing is a process.

Often times, I've been surprised by my reaction to things. When infertility hit, I was a freakin' mess. Seriously. I was a mess for about a year and around the time that I started to figure out my emotions, my marriage was having issues. Ha. So funny, right? Then, I dealt with that and learned how to figure those emotions out. And gosh golly, by the time I figured those emotions out and thought my marriage was fixed, I was left single. And yes, I cried. I still cry. But part of me just wanted to laugh. The twisted sense of humor in me thought this was all really funny. So...what's it gonna be next year, huh? Is this really happening all over again? How do I overcome this?

That last question is so important. A part of me wondered that for a while. How do I overcome this? I'm not strong enough to handle this! But I already knew the truth. I knew I was strong enough. You see, after the infertility and everything else that's happened in my life, I knew I could handle this. I had already done hard things. I could do them again. I certainly didn't want to and I still don't---but I can.

And I will.

Overcoming these obstacles is sometimes an icky, sticky mess because we feel lost or trapped. It's hard to find your way out with the tunnel vision we were all born with. It's hard to see the bigger picture and have faith that you'll get to your final destination someday. It sure is easy to doubt and to fear.

For me, fear is what I struggle with. Fear of inadequacy, fear of failure, fear of being alone forever, etc. These are things I deal with daily. I struggle to picture the end result of school because I don't think I'll ever be smart enough to get into a masters program or be brave enough to start my own practice someday. I fear divorce because I don't want to ruin my childrens' lives. I fear losing my friendships. I fear that one day, they'll all be gone---because I'm crazy---and I will feel even more alone.

Laurel Christensen at Time Out for Women talked a lot about our fears and not letting them run our lives. God wants us to have faith. Satan wants us to have fears. This is sometimes hard for me to decipher because I have so many fears in my life. I try so hard to trust the plan that God has for me but sometimes, I lose it.
Sometimes, it's easier to focus on today and what I want today. Sometimes, my selfish desires make it hard to focus on the future and what is best for my life as a whole. So to put my faith before my fear, I pray a whole lot. I trust a lot. I remember who I am and my divine purpose. These are things I know will help keep me on the path I want to be on. I don't always succeed. Actually, so many times in my life, I've insisted on doing things the hard way and learning from my mistakes. The good is still possible to find but it's a lot harder that way.

When we feel lost or angry, it is easy to feel like we should give up. These are the times we need God the most. Giving up is not the answer. There is always good to be found. I promise, there just is. Fight for that good. It is worth it!

My hope for this week is that you find that good I know is in your life. Find it and focus on it. Remember it. Be thankful for it.
I always feel so much better about my life when I focus on that good God has given me.

It is always there. Sometimes you just have to search harder than other times.

They're Gone and I'm Rambling

I have half a post written that I'm really proud of but it just didn't feel right to finish up right now. Instead, I'll start a new post and revisit that one later.

They left yesterday. My children are with their dad until Christmas afternoon and so far, I've handled it well. No tears---surprisingly. Most of this 'holding it together' can be attributed to the world's best friends. I had plans last night, this morning, and again tonight. I think Monday is when it will get harder. That and at nighttime.

In my journal, I often ask a million questions. How? Why? I'm still accepting this as normal life. I'm not there yet but I'm doing surprisingly well, all things considered.

I've decided I'm as happy as I'm going to get this weekend. There is still a lot of sadness because my children are my life but their dad is a good dad and they've been missing him lately. It's good for them---it just sucks for me.
I feel guilty having a relaxing weekend. I'm a 24/7 mom. This isn't supposed to be happening. I'm supposed to be knee high in laundry, dishes, potty breaks, messes, and tantrums. Instead, a friend took me to the spa this morning and I'm watching a chick flick with another friend tonight. Am I supposed to enjoy these nights? I guess I know what the answer is but for some reason, I still feel guilty.

As much as I don't like it, being alone is good for me. I love my friends, I love my family, but I have so much quiet time to come closer to God and focus on what Christmas is all about. Sometimes, the toughest things help us grow the most.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope to get that other post up soon but we'll see how I'm feeling about finishing it. :)

2013 Review Extravaganza: April, May, and June

 Hello, once again. This week's recap is April, May and June. Let's get started, shall we?

April:

-I posted about our 6th year, a post that is no longer easy to go back and read but a significant post that I think will be important to my children someday.

I had to laugh at the messes this boy makes or I would probably go insane.

 It was a wonderfully sad day when we had to say goodbye to Sister Crockett for 18 whole months. The best part of remembering that day is realizing this month is her halfway mark. Yippee! The kids talk about her often and we love sending and receiving packages and letters.

May:

May is a birthday month at our house.

 Petey turned 5 and looked gorgeous while doing it.

 Mother's Day was celebrated by getting pedicures with my sisters and mom.

 Petey had her end of the year dance recital. There are so many things I could say about her wonderful teacher. We sure miss having her this year because of how incredible she was.

June:

 June started out with a super fun visit to Disneyland! We learned that Petey is a daredevil and LOVED Tower of Terror and many other big rollercoasters that mommy refused to go on. It was also my first time riding Tower and Terror and I may or may not have cried during the ride. Seriously, I shudder just thinking about that experience.

 As soon as we got home, Petey had a few days of dance workshops before her tryouts. Guess what? She made the team! We were so excited for her and we've loved the new experiences she's gotten to have this year in dance.

June was also the month my big boy, Spidey, learned how to float all by himself and became a great swimmer.

As you can see, I'm so proud of my kids. These months were full of accomplishments and so many fun things. I am so grateful I get to enjoy being their mother every day of the year.

The Loss of Tradition

 How is it that every time I'm struggling---every dang time---I always seem to hear/read/feel what I need to hear/read/feel?
Tonight was no exception.
I was feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry that for five days this month, my children won't be in my home. And I'm not talking five days total---I'm talking five days in a row.
And do you know what two of those days are? Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

I'm going to miss these happy faces and squeals of excitement as they open gifts from Santa.

 I'm going to miss seeing them in their new Christmas pajamas.

I'm going to miss too much. And then in 2 years, I'm going to miss it all again.

It's realizations like this that seem unfair. How? Why? When? I ask myself how I got here, why I got here, when I got here.

My children are my life. I'm serious. You can ask anybody. And I don't care one bit if you think that is healthy or not. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I eat, sleep, and breathe motherhood. I take short breaks from it when I'm in school but the whole time, I'm thinking about my kids. I stare at pictures of them when they're not here. I think about their past, their present, and their future and I'm constantly worried about whether I'm doing this parenting thing right.

So tonight, I was struggling. There is so much to be learned with this new life and most of it, I just don't like.
I was perusing one of my new favorite blogs when I came across this post. It couldn't have been more perfect.
Breaking tradition. Not having the traditional family. I have to get used to living with these things. I need to find ways to be happy and have a life of my own.
But I don't want to. I want my children to engulf my life. I want to hide behind their greatness. I want them to be my one and only life.
Unfortunately I have no choice anymore. I am breaking traditions and I'm going to successfully pick myself back up and walk once again.
I'm strong. I know it. I feel it. I may not want to be strong but I am.
I can do hard things.

Christmas is going to be extremely hard. I have to decide where to go, what to do, NOT to sign in to Facebook, etc. I have to decide whether I want to be happy or miserable on my own this Christmas.
But I can do this.

I can do hard things.

On Zombie, Losing my Cool, and Getting Good Grades

It was a rotten, exceptional, horrible, amazing night. So many mixed emotions right now.

I'm still catching my breath from all of the chasing and giggling we did together a few hours ago. My heart was pounding and I could hardly breathe by the end. We played "zombie" which is apparently the exact same thing as tag but whoever is 'it' is the zombie.
It was wonderful.

Then, I got caught up in a letter I'm sending to our favorite missionary because I have a package I want to get sent tomorrow. I asked the kids to take a shower, something I let them do by themselves often. After a while, I walked into the bathroom to soap those cute kiddos up and for some reason, the bathtub was filling up. Since my tub doesn't have a plug, I panicked and asked them what they had shoved down the drain. After a few 'I don't know's' and 'We didn't do anything's', Petey fessed up that she had stuck a bunch of toilet paper down the drain to plug it up.
I lost my cool. I've been trying so hard not to but I did. I shut the water off, pulled them both out of the shower, dressed them and sent them straight to bed. No prayers, no hugs, no kisses. And then I sat down at my computer desk feeling more guilty than ever.
These kids are fragile. I knew it the whole time I'd been yelling. Something inside of me was telling me to let it go but I couldn't. I got angry. They should know better! They do know better!

I've yet to figure out the shower mess. I decided to let myself cool down and then walk into each child's room and place a kiss on their forehead and whisper I love you's, hoping they'd hear them in their dreams.

After all of that drama, I signed back into the computer, eager to see if my Psychology of Gender teacher had posted any more grades. I'm waiting for her to post grades for my big gender project and TWO exams I took last week {one was a make-up since I'm dumb and forgot to take it 2 months ago}. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that my gender project was graded. After a hard semester with this teacher, I was worried that she would give me a bad grade which would give me a bad grade in the class. To my delight, I noticed a 50/50 at the top of the page. I was ecstatic. I then read her sweet notes to me on how she loved my project. She asked me if the girl with the gorgeous blue eyes was mine, I was proud to answer yes. I used this picture below for the beginning of my project.

It was the picture header on the website I had to create.
I put a lot of time and effort into that project and it felt so good to be recognized for my hard work.

The subject we had to write on was actually very near and dear to my heart. It has been since before Petey was born but especially since after her birth. If you'd like to view my website project, go here. I had a lot of fun and learned a lot of things from doing it.

What a great way to end my first semester back at college. I have a feeling I'm going to like this a lot more than I originally thought. College may be a lot of work but that work pays off.

I'm thinking 2 out of 3 are good odds for tonight being wonderful. I think I'll go kiss my kids one more time before I head off to bed and hope they forgive me in the morning.

Our Service Elves

If you know me, you know I'm not usually one to follow the crowd. If a video is being tossed around Facebook, I try to avoid watching it---just because.

So when Elf on the Shelf became really popular a few years ago, I had no intentions of getting one. Ever.
Then Elf on the Shelf became popular for doing naughty things while the kids slept but he was supposed to be there to make sure the kids were making good choices. It all seemed a bit ridiculous and hypocritical to me. I understand it's all cute and fun but I didn't want to send my kids mixed messages like that.

Then, the amazing world of Facebook introduced me to this post about kindness elves a few weeks ago. My favorite quote from her post: "Present giving is because you love someone, not because they deserve it. Hence why we focus more on the gift of our Savior at Christmas and His free, undeserved love to us instead." I have never felt right about telling my kids to be nice or Santa would be bringing them coal. That idea just never sat right with me. Whether my kids make good choices or bad choices, I love them just the same so why would Christmas be any different?

Jesus Christ has already given us the greatest gift of all---eternal life---and it just doesn't seem right that during a holiday commemorating his birth we would focus on how our children are being naughty or nice. Christ loves us regardless of our actions. We love our children regardless of their actions. And I plan to give my children gifts regardless of their actions.

But lately, there has just been too much whining when we go to the store or buy presents for other people. The other day, Petey flat out threw a temper tantrum on the floor of Walmart because she wanted a candy necklace kit that I had said no to buying. It was actually after that tantrum that we sat down and had a long talk about people less fortunate than us and how we need to have gratitude for everything we've been given. Petey decided it would be a good idea to donate some of her clothes and toys to little girls that don't have the things she has.

So we have implemented a new 'Elf on the Shelf' idea in our home. Each night when the kids go to bed, Pexy and Angel {the original names my children picked for their individual elves} will write us a letter with an idea of something we can do the next day to serve someone else. Some ideas I've had have been baking cookies for neighbors, cleaning our rooms, paying for someone else's food in a drive-thru, donating toys/clothes to a shelter, do a secret service for your sibling, etc. The kids are already so excited to wake up tomorrow and see what their elves have written in a letter for them.

I'm hoping and praying this helps us move past the entitlement phase of Christmas and onto the service phase. I know my children have good hearts but they're still children and it's really hard to buy someone else a present when it's exactly what you've been wanting. I understand their frustration but I hope I can teach them real Christ-like love for others so we can switch our focus to Him during this special season.

And with that, welcome to the family, Pexy and Angel! I hope you can help us remember to love others and serve them so we learn to have gratitude for what we already have.

2013 Review Extravaganza: January, February, and March

I start this series off the exact same way every year. It just simply cannot be the end of the year yet. It was just January!
But here we are, reviewing the year, month by month. This week's post will have January, February, and March.

January:
I started off my year by making my new year goals. Re-reading that post was hard but it helped me realize that I had picked the perfect word for the year. Faith is something I've relied on to get me through so many things this year. It's actually hard for me to believe that at the beginning of the year, I was still hoping and praying and doing fertility treatments to try and have another baby. That is nowhere near where I am right now. My miracle wasn't a baby. My miracle was having enough faith to endure things I thought I wasn't strong enough to endure.

We were busy taking a gazillion trips to the zoo with our new membership. {And seriously, I forgot how long E's hair was back then and how short Petey's was!}

I talked about being about how I can do hard things. I'd like to revisit that post in a new post someday.

And we can't forget the annual cabin trip for New Year's with my family {which obviously happened before the other picture but I can't seem to switch it to the top of the page}. Maybe in 5-10 years, we can visit that trip. It was amazing, seriously hard, and more amazing to be with my family. I remember that trip vividly and am so glad we went.

February:

In February, my brother in law got married, Spidey got strep throat, and we got Netflix!

It was Spidey's first time having strep and he was miserable.

Then, Petey got strep throat and ended up at the emergency room because we thought there was more going on. There wasn't. Maybe I'm just overprotective.

I wrote a short post about why I'm too happy to be this sad. Though my circumstances are different, that same concept still rings true today!

March:

Petey had her 1st dance concert of 2013. It was hectic to get her there and it was raining and they were dancing outside but she did it!

Immediately after her dance performance, we headed over to Carlsbad because it's a family tradition!

This year, we went to LEGOLAND and both of the kids were big enough for the rollercoasters they wanted to do.

We celebrated my brother in law's wedding and had a wonderful time there.

The last thing we did in March was celebrate Easter.

Stay tuned for next week's review!

Surviving Trials

Sometimes, it just boggles my mind how many things I've "survived" that I swore I could never survive.
Where is my life? You know, that one I had planned from when I was a little girl?
It's completely non-existent and in it's place is the beautiful {but completely opposite} life I currently live.
There are days where I'm smiling for no apparent reason and I think, "But why?! Why are you smiling? You shouldn't be able to smile right now."
But the truth is, I should be smiling right now. I should've been smiling a year ago. And I also should've been smiling two years ago. Etc. Etc. Etc...
Happiness doesn't come from what my life looks like on the outside; happiness is something that has evolved within my heart and soul. Nobody gets to take it away from me. Ever.

"Happiness is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ." And yes, that is a link.
That quote has always been one of my favorites. In my darkest hours, I can wade through the thick, uninviting fog and find my way to sunshine. It is always there. The sunshine I refer to is a never-changing commitment that Christ made when he suffered for our sins. Not just yours, not just mine---ours. Everyones'. He is the only person who knows "to the T" what I am feeling so who better to turn to?

And let me tell you, this isn't some gimmick where I tell you my life is perfect because I am a Mormon and we're all just happy and perfect and the best homemakers everrr.
That is a sincere lie.
First of all, I'm a crappy homemaker. I know that. I hate cooking. I have to force myself to clean.
Second of all, trust me when I tell you I'm not always happy. It doesn't work that way. Every day, I work hard to achieve my happiness. And some days, it doesn't come. Some days are just crap. Some days I scream into my pillow and then punch it 50 times.
But I don't let days like that determine how I feel about my life as a whole.
That is my point.
I'm not here to tell you that it's bad to be angry or sad or depressed. "Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are." I'm also not here to tell you that happiness is something I'm great at! It's hard work for me right now.
But if you're struggling like I'm struggling or have ever felt lonely, I'm here to change your mind. I'm here to tell you that you're never alone and you can find happiness in any situation. I promise. It's hard and you're still going to be sad sometimes but counteract those days of sadness with days of joy.

This isn't to boast or tell you how super awesome I am but let me tell you a short story.
On a Saturday in August, my husband and I separated. Sunday, I was a mess. I couldn't be anywhere with anyone without breaking down. I knew I couldn't live my life this way so I decided to write down some goals for Monday. I wanted to be there for my kids and show them that I can be ok! The very first goal I wrote down was, "Find someone else to serve today.". I don't tell you that because I'm the best servant of Christ ever. I tell you that because I wholeheartedly believe that is something that has gotten me through some of the lowest times in my life.
There are so many people who have it worse than me and when I break open my little bubble, I find them and then I realize how blessed I am. And even if those people don't have it "worse than me" {because really, who am I to even compare?}, everyone struggles. Everyone has trials that are huge and hard and scary to them. On that particular Monday, I tried to stop thinking about me for a few hours and focus on someone else who was also struggling.
All we did that day was take cookies to a friend but it was helpful to me. It got my mind thinking of others instead of just pitying myself.
I hadn't truly smiled in days but that day, I remember the feelings of gratitude for friendships, for service, and especially for knowledge of my Savior. I go back to that day often because it was only 48 hours after one of the hardest days in my life and I need to remind myself that only 48 hours later, I was still alive and I even smiled.
It's amazing how healing that is to my soul.

I Believe in Me

Tonight must be emotional, for some reason. I turned on the computer and this image smacked me in the face with it's imperfect perfection.

I cried.
I love that it's the background of our computer. What I love even more is that they are mine for eternity.

After turning the computer on, I signed in to my school account to check on my grades. My English teacher had sent me back an essay that I thought I was struggling with and her words were so positive and encouraging. I started to cry again. She corrected two words and that was it. The rest was great in her eyes.

The thing is, school scares me. I'm a semester in and I feel like I've rocked this semester but there are 11 more semesters before I get to have my career. And I can assume that they will not all be this easy.

The thought of my classes getting harder scares me.
But the thought of dropping out of school terrifies me.
I'm where I need to be.
I need to believe in me.

I'm staring my fears down daily. The fear of failure weighs on my mind but it's a battle I have to endure so I can reach my end goal.

My goals might seem farther out there than a single mom of two can reach but I'm just going to have to show the world that it can be mastered. I'm not picking the easy way out. A bachelors and a masters degree are not the easy way out. Building up my own clients so I can have flexible work hours is not going to be the easy way out. It's going to be challenging most of the time for a long time but it will be so worth it.

I'm determined not to fail. I don't want to be that story. I don't want to lose my ambition. I want to succeed.

Succeed, I can and succeed, I will.

Thanksfuls 2013

 I'm thankful for my Lil Man. Spidey is the best son in the world. I'm thankful for his smiles and the thousands of times he cuddles with me. I'm thankful for the {patience} he teaches me. I'm thankful that he has red hair because it is freaking adorable. I love this wonderful 'man of the house' we get to have.

 I'm thankful for my princess. Petey is such a vibrant, smart little girl. I'm thankful for the lessons she teaches me. I'm thankful for her kind heart and her example to me. She is constantly teaching me how to love others more. She isn't 100% selfless but she is more selfless than any other 5 year old I've ever met. I am so glad this special, sweet, blue-eyed princess is mine forever.

 I'm thankful that my kids have a good dad. I'm thankful to know that they love and look up to him so much. He is a wonderful dad and I don't regret bringing those two perfect babies into this world with him. He has taught me a lot these past 7 years and through the sadness I now face, I still don't doubt that he is a good father to those precious kiddos.

 I am thankful for each and every one of the people in the above picture. My family is wonderful. My sisters and brother are wonderful. My parents are extremely supportive and are always willing to do whatever I need. They give me so much love and have raised me to be the person I am today.

For this last one, I had to put a silly picture up to keep my crying to a minimum. I'm extremely thankful for this girl. She is the best friend I could've asked for during this time in my life and I plan on being her friend forever and ever. She watches my kids ridiculously often, she is always there when I need to talk, and she tells me to truth. Sometimes I don't like to hear it but I always know she's right---did you catch that, Lacey? That's the only time I'm going to admit it.
Heavenly Father placed Lacey in my life for a reason. I don't know if she realizes the importance of her being where she is today. They moved in last year and months later, we became almost instant friends. I had been lonely for a long time before that and hadn't felt a strong friendship and she just barged right in my life and showed me what friendship should mean. I am forever thankful to Lacey.

I'll stop there so I don't sound too uber obsessed with my friend but just trust me---she's the best.

Thanksgiving was so special this year and I'm so incredibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for making it a year to remember.

When asked what I was thankful for this year before we sat down to eat, the first thing that came to my mind was this:
I'm thankful for the ability to be happy, no matter the situation.

And that is so true. I am thankful to know that I control my happiness. I'm thankful to be a mom. I'm thankful for food to eat and for the people that surround me daily.

I am so blessed and I love it.

The Story of My Life

 So last night, I watched the American Music Awards and though I have plenty of commentary on the things I saw and heard {Seriously, Miley?!}, I've had the song, 'The Story of My Life' from One Direction stuck in my head since then.

And in all honesty, I can only remember those 5 words out of the entire song because last night is the first time I'd heard it.

So the phrase 'The story of my life" has played over and over again in my head.
Let's ponder that phrase for a minute, shall we?

I just love that picture of Spidey. It seems like the perfect pondering picture.

The story of my life. Do you use that phrase as often as I do?
When the kids are being absolutely nuts? Story of my life!
When the house is a mess five minutes after cleaning it up? Story of my life!
When I plan to be somewhere on time and it takes me 20 minutes to wait for the kids to get their shoes on? Story of my life!
I seem to use this phrase a lot. In fact, I have another picture that epitomizes that phrase.

 This really is the story of my life!
Petey and her little dancing body are always posing but not always paying attention.
Spidey is usually playing in the dirt or getting messy in whatever way possible, smirking the whole time because he knows better.
And what can I do? Throw my hands up in the air and proclaim, "This is the story of my life!" and if I can add to that, "This is the story of my life and I love it!". It may not always seem that way but at the end of the day when the kids are sleeping soundly, I can usually look back on the days events and laugh until I fall asleep. That's how awesome this life is.

But sometimes it bothers me how this is just the story of my life on the outside---because on the inside, it is so much more. It is heartache and pain, laughter and sarcasm, hard work and weight gain.

So many things define who I am.

The story of my life was once a rebellious, problematic little girl. I wanted to change that and so I did.

The story of my life was once a liar and a judger. I wanted to change that and for the most part, I have.

The story of my life was once a selfish, disrespectful teenager. I wanted to change that and I certainly hope I have!

The point is, my story is ever changing.
I don't have to be that girl that had 2 kids and then spent two years dwelling on the fact that she couldn't have a third. I don't have to be that girl that was rude before she thought about what she was saying, resulting in hurt feelings and hurt friendships. I don't have to be labeled as a divorcee or one of the halves of a failed marriage. I don't have to be any girl I don't want to be!

There is so much more to me than any of those things! Often times, it feels like my life will never get better or things will even get worse than they are. It seems like I'll always have labels I don't want to have.
But the truth is, I get to choose who I am. I can be sad or angry that I am going to be single or I can do everything I can to make life as great as it can be. I can talk rudely about Boss or I can try and understand him and realize his life isn't a walk in the park either.
I can have any perspective I want and that perspective defines who I am and what I am about.

My perspective of the things life hands me is something I am 100% in charge of.

We all have choices. Some are easy, some are hard, but all have results and we get to choose those results and how we handle those results.

 So today, the story of my life happens to be filled with children who whined about cleaning their rooms but finally relented because they really wanted to get the Christmas decorations out.

The story of my life is school; hard work, lots of homework, and a couple of finals.

The story of my life is happiness; because my life is filled with things that have the potential to help me choose to be happy. Notice I didn't say 'make me happy'. I love that my happiness is a choice and that I can control it.

My family is beautiful.

I am beautiful.

The story of my life is beautiful.

It's a Good Day

 Life.
As you've read, if you've been reading lately, life hasn't been easy. And yet, it has. It's difficult to explain.
There are good days and there are days where I have to force myself to recognize the good---but every day has the potential to possess some type of good in it so I choose to find it.

Most of my heartache is for my children. None of these decisions are fair to them. It isn't fair that they have to take turns with mom or dad. It isn't fair that they don't get bedtime kisses from both of us. I was so angry in the beginning because of the unfairness that this new life will put on my kids.

They are strong and brave but they are still just kids. They didn't make a single one of these choices but they have to live their entire lives being reminded of them. Everyone tells me they'll be fine. Quite honestly, I firmly believe they will be fine. But in the meantime, I can't take away every ounce of pain that they feel or will feel or have felt. This is a learning experience for all of us and it will take time to get used to. And I know there will be times when we think we have learned but we have to re-learn all over again.

I have to give myself daily goals because sometimes, my brain cannot focus on any more than that. One of my daily goals is to find a way to have a good day. It seems simple but sometimes it's extremely hard. I'm a naturally positive person and it has been hard to find happy things to focus on. I struggle every day.

When we went to Time Out for Women last month {you're going to have to scroll down on the blog because I'm too lazy to find the link and post it}, my mom gave us all an early Christmas present. It was the newest Hilary Weeks cd. At first, I wasn't sure. You see, I am a bit obsessed with the last Hilary Weeks cd my mom gave me because of the Beautiful Heartbreak song. It has been a favorite. That song helped me through infertility and many things going on in my marriage. It was a song I listened to daily for a while.
I wasn't sure it would be possible to find another song like that for our current situation.
But Hilary did it{Did you know we're on a first name basis these days?}. She just went ahead and wrote another song that happened to be just what I need right now.
Not only was it what I need, it is what my kids need. And they request it every morning on our drive to take Petey to school.
Sometimes, when I'm having a hard time recognizing the good in my day, the lyrics to the song will pop into my head and remind me that "I'm alive and I'm breathing---so it's a good day!".
If I could speak to Hilary Weeks, there are so many things I'd tell her about how her music has changed my life. On that same note, I wouldn't even have either cd if it wasn't for my mother who loves and supports me so dearly.

I am seriously so blessed.

I know God gives me challenges for a reason.
I also know He makes sure I am surrounded with the people, places, things, AND music I need when I'm going through challenging times.

I'm just going to let my kids go ahead and introduce you to our new favorite song. I have a hard time not crying when I watch this video because I look at my children and their positive, brave attitudes and I am so thankful that they are so strong. We'll get through this ---that I do not doubt.