The Story of Suzanne

 Once upon a time, a cute little curly-headed princess was born.

She was a freckly-faced, chunky-cheeked little princess who's attitude was bigger than her.

 She grew up surrounded by loving sisters and the cutest little brother in the whole world.

Life wasn't always easy but she chalked that up to her own choices she had made.

When she got out of high school, she was determined for things to be easier. That never seemed to happen.

It has been 7 years since her wish and she still hasn't been granted that "easy life" she asked for. Instead, she has been given challenges; challenges that sometimes make her angry or discouraged. It seems as though every couple of years, a new challenge surfaces and she thinks, "Now this one I cannot handle." and yet, handle it she does; usually with grace, sometimes with a little bit of crazy mixed in.

For a long time, she wondered why. Why, when she was trying so hard to be a good person, would God give her these challenges? Now she wonders why not. Why not me? If it can happen to anyone, why wouldn't there be a chance that it would happen to me? Don't get me wrong, that doesn't usually take the pain away but it helps her to look outward and see that others are struggling too. It isn't just her. And not only are there others, some of their stories she wouldn't want in a million years.

God gives us what we can handle. He doesn't give us what our neighbor can handle or what our children will be able to handle. He specifically gives us things that we can handle and He helps us every step of the way. We are never alone. You are never alone.

Sometimes, Suzanne forgets, as I'm sure most of us do but luckily, her parents have instilled it in her and she always seems to remember it in her darkest hours.

I wish I could say that Princess Suzanne grows up to be a successful queen that is kind-hearted and loving to others but she's still pretty young---two days away from her 26th birthday to be exact---and she still has a ways to grow up but I have a feeling she'll get there. Every day, she's learning and growing.

The Babes Turns 4!

 My BABY turned 4 this past Monday. I can't believe it. He is not supposed to grow up so fast.

Lucky for him, he got to have his first 'friend' birthday party this year. He decided he wanted a superhero party but he wanted it at the zoo. Done and done!

My sister was an awesome helper and drove half of the kids in her van and I took the other half.

 Petey was so excited that I found a girl Spiderman costume that I had bought last year after Halloween for $1.

 The kids decided instead of walking around that they wanted to ride the train so they'd have the opportunity to see more animals in the amount of time we had.

 Then we met up with my mom and my nephews for cupcakes and presents.

 Doesn't that blue face look adorable!?

 Present opening time was a favorite for my boy.

 He was spoiled with toys beyond toys.

 After the party, we headed to Famous Dave's because the birthday boy gets a free meal AND free ice cream sundae.

 Then we drove to Toys'R'Us to use his gift card and get his birthday crown.

 Last but certainly not least, we had dinner at my parents' house and we sang happy birthday to Spidey and my little niece.

What a wonderful day for a wonderful little boy! My Spidey lights up my life!!! He is so active and yet so sweet. I love that little boy so incredibly much and am so grateful that he'll always be mine.

My Feelings Through Music

Music is a huge part of my life.

Whenever I'm in the car alone, I turn my music up really loud and pray that a song comes on the radio that I need to hear. That may sound funny but so far, it's worked. Sara Bareilles' song 'Brave' literally came on 5 times in a 15 minute drive I was on last week and it was exactly what I needed. I cried every time I'd change the station and it'd be playing on a different station.
I have had a lot of time to myself to reflect on life this past month. Whether it is heading to my counselor's office {who keeps me sane these days}, driving to and from school late at night, or dropping my kids off to their dad, music has helped me through some tough things I've been feeling. Sometimes music interprets my feelings better than I can.
These are a couple of my favorite songs right now that I crank the volume up on.



If you're wondering how these relate to my life or if they even do, you're going to have to continue to speculate. Sorry. :)

I'm so incredibly thankful for music.

Going back to that first song, I've learned much more about bravery this month than ever before. The biggest lesson I've learned this week is that bravery doesn't mean holding your feelings in so it looks like you're always doing fine. Sometimes, I'm not fine. Sometimes, I want to scream or cry or just be numb and it helps to let my friends or family know how I'm feeling. It's ok to not always be fine. It's ok for this to take a while to heal my heart. I thought bravery was getting through my trial as fast as possible and bottling up any excess of hurt feelings I had but that isn't going to help me be whole again.
You'd think I'd be an expert on 'how to get through trials' by now, huh? That's what I figured anyway. I thought since life has been up and down hard for 2.5 years, I should be able to get over this faster. And since I found that to be the biggest lie I've been telling myself, I am starting over and letting myself hurt for a while.

Trials and Attaining Happiness

 I deal with trials in many different ways. There is usually a numbing point where I don't want to feel what is happening to my heart. The first time I really noticed this was when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The thought of infertility was so scary to me and I had a hard time processing all of the things I was feeling. I wish I would've gone to see a counselor back then. I imagine it would've helped me cope with my feelings.

There were trials before infertility. I had even suffered a miscarriage in the beginning of my marriage. And yet, no other trial before infertility stood out in my life the way that one did. I grieved. I was angry. I was depressed. I was confused. It was the hardest thing I had delt with in my life at the time.

Last month when things in my life got insecure again, I looked toward Heaven and just cried. I cried for 3 days straight. People would ask how I was and that would make me cry. I'd be listening to the radio and that would make me cry. But after 3 days, I stopped. Cold turkey. I started telling people that I must've just not had any more tears left but in reality, the numbness was starting to set in. I knew it was going to take years to get back what I had lost and I couldn't fathom that and so I went numb to protect my heart.
There have been times of anger and confusion. There have been days where I still cry. There have been countless days that I've felt alone even when I'm surrounded by wonderful people. It was as if the doubts I'd had during my 'infertility grief' were all coming back. I started to think that NO ONE could completely understand what I'm going through. Even though people were being nice and so so so helpful, they hadn't experienced what I experienced. Sometimes, talking helped. Other times, I just felt worse afterward. Everyone had advice. Everyone's advice was different. Some people told me I'd done enough while others told me to work harder to save things. I was so confused.

And then I remembered a huge lesson I'd learned during my infertility. There is one person who understands exactly what I am going through. Jesus Christ suffered for me personally. He knows exactly what I am feeling. I remembered that trusting in Him would help me through this. I know it will. It still sucks right now, plain and simple. I'm extremely worried about my children. I'm worried for their present and I'm worried for their future.

But trusting in God will help me to keep going. Attaining happiness is absolutely possible no matter what. It is not something we are just given or something that only happens when everything in our lives are good. Happiness can be found amidst some of the darkest times. For me, that happiness comes through knowing I am a child of God. I always have been. I always will be. The comfort that eternal purpose gives me is greater than anything in the entire world. Nothing compares to knowing that no matter what trials I'm faced with, I can always rely on my Heavenly Father. He always listens and He understands what I'm dealing with. He knows the time frame of my trial and why I need the strength I'm being taught to have.

Last month, I was so angry that my trials seem to have just gotten worse after my infertility 2.5 years ago. There haven't been very many breathers in there. And yet, I can see God's hand in my life everywhere these past few years. I have never been deserted by Him and I'm so glad that I can recognize that.
I can promise you that in your darkest hours, God is still with you. Let Him in. Let Him comfort you. Open your heart to his love.
You are a child of God.

Camping with my Boy

 A few weeks ago, Petey went to Tucson with her dad so I took Spidey camping. Yes, it's true. I was brave. :) Luckily, we were invited by some super awesome friends of ours so I had a lot of help with my crazy little guy.

It was kind of weird to be camping with Petey's best friend and not having her there. I missed her a lot that weekend but I also enjoyed my one on one time with Spidey.

 Of course the minute we got there, Lacey's little guy had to get as muddy as he could. I don't have a picture of Spidey but trust me, he managed to get dirty that night as well. It had been raining on our drive up so there were puddles everywhere and Spidey had a hard time resisting the temptation to step in them.

 The only other pictures I took were of the next afternoon, right before we left. Spidey had so much fun running around with all of the kids and he REQUESTED to go sit in his carseat for a little while before we left. He ended up falling asleep. That must prove what a great time he had. :)

This wasn't our campsite from the night before since the Neff's were staying longer and wanted a better site but I had to get a picture of their awesome trailer. It was so fun being up there with everyone and spending time with my little dude. We actually plan to go camping with the Neff's again next month since Petey was jealous. :) I'll get to take both kids that time so that should be an adventure!

The Best Parents Ever

Tonight, I need to write down some recent events to remind myself that I have the world's best parents. 

Seriously. 

Last night, my kids were with their dad and I knew I'd be feeling lonely so I invited some friends over for dinner and a movie. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and it was wonderful. Thanks for the suggestion, Heather! Anyway, when we got home from the restaurant, we sat down to watch a movie when my doorbell rang. 

Side note: Earlier that day, my mom had called to ask if I had any plans for the night. I told her what I was doing and that was that.

Back to the story. When I opened the front door, my mom was standing there with bags of cleaning supplies and my dad was in the front yard spraying weeds. She was surprised I was home since she thought I was watching a movie at someone else's house, not my own. My dad finished with the weeds and fixed my broken toilet. My mom replaced the toilet paper she had seen almost run out a few days before and cleaned a few things in the bathroom and then they left. Their plan had been to come clean my house while I was out with friends so I'd be surprised when I came home. 

I've learned this past month just how much God loves me. Even though He has given me a fair share of tests and trials, He surrounds me with wonderful people who support and bless my life in numerous ways. I am a child of God and He has sent me here for specific purposes. 

I have the best parents in the world. I am so lucky to have them supporting me. 

iPad Collages

 Well, here I am again! Since I kicked my math homework's butt and the baby is sleeping and Spidey earned games on the Kindle, I think I'll do another blog post. It has been a great week. I cannot imagine what life would be like without my children and some of the greatest friends and family in the entire world. I am seriously lucky and blessed. God knew what he was doing when he sent me to my family. He also knew what He was doing when He paved the pathway for my friend, Lacey's, family to move into our ward.

The collages I am posting are my favorites that I've taken in the past week on my iPad. Enjoy!

Last Friday, we were supposed to have a movie night in our neighborhood park. The kids had been excited all day and I was excited too until I saw a storm coming in. I looked on Facebook and sure enough, the movie night had been cancelled. The kids were so bummed so I asked if they wanted to order pizza and have our own movie night at home. They reluctantly obliged but it ended up being so much fun!

They layed blankets and pillows in the wagon and made it a fun movie night. Petey actually fell asleep around 8pm and I fell asleep around 9pm. I woke up at MIDNIGHT to a happy, wide awake little boy who had been watching shows on Netflix for 3 hours while I slept next to him on the couch. Weirdo! Petey was asleep on the family room floor so I just took Spidey into my bed.

The next morning, I signed on to Facebook and the first thing I saw was that Bashas was having some free bounce houses and rock climbing things in their parking lot. I called Lacey and we took the kiddos to have a fun Saturday morning.

 My kids loved this huge blow up slip'n'slide. I didn't pack any towels but luckily, they dry pretty fast under the Arizona sun. We had invited the kids' cousin, George, to come with us too and I'm so glad we did. He plays so well with my kids and is a great helper.

 All of the kids tried out the rock climbing wall. Lacey's older girls got the highest, George got pretty high, Petey was about 1/3 up, Spidey and Lacey's youngest barely weighed enough so they weren't allowed to climb up high, just in case they couldn't slide back down. :) It was a super fun morning.

The last of the iPad collage pictures is a collage from yesterday morning. Petey had school picture day and she wasn't required to wear her uniform. We got up early and curled her hair and she looked so adorable!!!

I'm hoping her pictures turned out well. She is such a gorgeous little girl and I'm so very proud to call her mine.