What I Wish I Would've Known: Divorce

 I've been thinking lately about my divorce and how the last year {or even two years} played out. I made it through some pretty awful days but there are things I look back on and think, "Wow...I could've handled that a lot better than I did."
Because trauma can cause you to do some pretty crazy things and feel some pretty crazy feelings.

So I wanted to talk about that today; what I wish I would've done differently in my divorce.

I wish I wouldn't have yelled so much.
I wish I wouldn't have yelled at my husband and my parents and my children and myself. I wish I wouldn't have projected my anger at the people I love the most. Maybe my husband could understand why I was yelling because of the pain his choices were causing me. But my family members? No. Even if they understood and were patient, I could have dealt with my anger a little more healthy than I did. I could've smashed plates or thrown rocks at the wall or punched my pillow over and over instead of stuffing my anger until it exploded randomly at whoever was nearest.

I wish I wouldn't have gone numb for so long...and I also wish I could've stayed numb longer. Because right after he left, I went into fight or flight mode and I chose to fly away as far as I could go and pretend like everything was fine. I convinced people I was amazingly strong and that I wasn't lonely but the worst part was that I convinced myself I was amazingly strong and didn't need to grieve like a normal person.
So when the numbing went away, it was horrible. Instead of feeling the pain and heartache in the moment, I was flooded with it all at once, months after the fact.

I wish I wouldn't have doubted myself.
When my husband left, I was firm in my belief that my ability to cook and clean wasn't the reason he left. It didn't matter that he had told me those exact words, I knew it wasn't true. But after the numbing went away, I started to doubt my ability to be a good wife, mother, sister, daughter, and really, I just doubted my ability to be a good human being. I felt like I was worth nothing. My husband had never in our marriage said anything negative about my weight or my looks but because it was an insecurity I already had, I projected that as "the actual reason he left". It was the only thing that made sense to my broken brain. I didn't love my body so I just assumed he didn't love it either.

 I wish I would've asked for more help and felt less guilty when I received help.
Help during divorce is necessary. It just is. There were times I would be crying and a friend would stop by and just take my kids---no questions asked. I had so much help in some of my darkest times. But there were times when I needed help and should've let someone else into my home when I wouldn't. I felt guilty asking for more help but because of this, I had days that were harder than hard but that didn't have to be as hard as they were.

 I wish I would've thought about me more.
I thought about how divorce would affect my kids, how people would judge me, how people would judge my ex-husband, how my family would accept everything, and how unworthy I was. What I didn't think about was how much I was hurting and how much compassion I needed to have for myself. It was so easy having empathy for the hard things my children were going through and I even got to a point where empathy for my ex-husband became possible. But empathy for myself was non-existent. Instead I spent all of my "free time" at the gym or obsessing over my food intake or dreaming about dating and feeling anxious that no one would want to date me and making sure I was still spreading my time among my friends and dishing out time to new friends or numbing my mind with television.
I wasn't thinking about my heart and empathizing with the pain. I was beating myself down for all of the reasons I wasn't good enough. Self-care was non-existent even when it looked existent because I was doing things all for the wrong reasons. I was punishing myself, not loving myself.
I needed my own empathy. I needed to give myself compassion. And I didn't do it.

 I wish I wouldn't have gone off my anti-depressant.
Yup, it's true. I take drugs! I was on anxiety medication the day we separated because I had been getting anxiety for months leading up to the day that huge bomb was dropped on me---I now refer to that as my psycho-good intuition because there wasn't really any proof that things were really wrong. But I was worried that the numbness I was experiencing was as a result of my medication and I was worried that I'd go off the medication a year or two later and all of a sudden, I'd have all these pent up feelings from my divorce. So I went off of them right after our separation started. Weird. And the worst part was, it took me a while to realize how much that affected me during that time. I felt like the same old Suzanne but inside, I was going crazy. I was feeling crazy. I was experiencing anxiety that felt like what PTSD is described to feel like.
In case you're wondering, I no longer feel shame associated with my medication. My goodness, who freaking cares what people think of me swallowing a Zoloft every night? I get to choose what is best for me and I am choosing to help myself have a better life! So I'm sorry if you don't agree with that---actually I'm not really sorry but I do respect your opinion.

The main thing I wish I would've learned a year ago is that people make mistakes and that's ok.
A year ago, I was angry and I wasn't ok with the imperfections of others and my own imperfections. But it's ok that I made mistakes. It's ok that my ex-husband made mistakes. It's ok that my parents made mistakes.
Everyone does it.
We don't have some guide book to help us through our rough times. We figure it out on our own and sometimes, that includes a little trial and error {or a lot of it}.

Although there are things I wish I would've done differently, I've accepted that I can't change the past.

And the greatest part is, we've made it out alive so far! And not only are we surviving, most days we are thriving.

Divorce isn't the end of all happiness and peace.

I am happy. I have found peace.

How to Feel Good When You Don't Feel Good

 Well, that was interesting. I had almost an entire blog post up and I deleted the whole thing---on purpose. Let's try this again and see if I approve of today's message.

Do you ever struggle to feel like you are a good person? Are there days you compare your weaknesses to someone else's strengths?

 

I hope I'm not the only one.

 

Some days, I find that I'm just so darn hard on myself. I hear other people tell me I'm so helpful or friendly or inspiring and I don't feel like any of it is true. I feel fake because I struggle on a daily basis to make good decisions and be a better person. I'm not inspiring---I'm barely keeping my head above water right now. Am I being fake because I have a smile on my face even on some of my hardest days? How can I be a good person when I don't always make good decisions?

 

I try to be a genuinely good person. I try really hard to help others and pick them up when they are down. So why do I find myself thinking that isn't good enough? Why do I still feel like I'm not a good person when I am a good person?

 

Are you confused yet? Or have you ever felt this way?

 

I was reading in the scriptures today and 3rd Nephi 24:18 really jumped out to me.

"Then shall ye return and discern between the righteous and the wicked, between him that serveth God and him that serveth him not."

 

What a simple verse of scripture that is. The scripture doesn't say "He that succeeds in doing everything perfectly his entire life is righteous." It plainly states that if we are trying, if we are doing our best, we are righteous.

 

Satan tries so hard to convince us we will never be good enough. He is constantly bombarding society with lies that we need to be perfect to be good people. He wants us to feel like we are failing when we struggle.

 

It's hard sometimes. Actually, it's hard a lot of the time. It's hard to believe the things other people see in me. It's hard not to put myself down and tell myself I should be doing better. But my Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally---with no conditions. He loves me when I'm doing well and He loves me when I struggle. He wants me to succeed but He understands that we are here to learn and sometimes, we make mistakes.

 

My knowledge of His existence is real. I don't just think He is there---I know He is. I'm going to struggle through this divorce and I'm going to succeed. It isn't going to perfect. In fact, at times it will probably be messy but I know He will still love me. I know I am righteous because I desire to do good.

 

My goal this week is to keep Satan out. I will pray often, study my scriptures, and believe in myself.

How do I?

Entertain my children using only a blanket and some pillows:

Boss is such a fun dad. I love all of the creative things he comes up with when we are all playing together as a family. The other night, he rolled up a blanket and made it into different shapes and would instruct the kids on how they should jump over it.The kids had a blast jumping through many different shapes and letter shapes. Don't you LOVE Petey's hair in this picture? Perfect timing! Spidey, jumping in and out of the square (that both kids insisted was a circle since the corners weren't sharp).

After the kids got over that, we took the blanket and both held it off the floor a couple inches and told them to jump. They are such sillies. In the beginning of the video, Spidey was doing a somersault but jumping up on his head first. Made me laugh every time. He is such a crazy kid.

Then, Boss made some "obstacle courses" using a couple pillows and the blanket. It was really simply but the kids LOVED it!

I love simple but fun nights that I hope we will all remember. My stomach was aching from all the laughing that was happening. It was a great night with my perfect little family.

And that's how Suze sees it.

How do I?

Teach responsibility in 2 year old [almost 3 year old] form?

Well, you see, this kind of goes along with my post "How do I discipline?" Petey made this mess today. That is gobs of chili. Sticky, gooey gobs of chili. So what did we do?

Well, she cleaned it up, of course.

She actually picked up all the beans by hand and then scrubbed the floor with Boss. That way, mommy had one less mess to worry about it.

Other ways in which we teach our toddler responsibility:

• Kids can actually do a lot more cleaning than we probably think.


• Petey is in charge of picking up the books and making sure all of the toys are in the play room at the end of the day.


• Since the play room can get to be a bigger job for her, we do that one together a couple times a week.


• Petey is in charge of putting all of her's and her brother's dirty clothes in the hamper at the end of the day [or throughout the day if she wets her pants or gets too dirty].


• Petey is also in charge of putting everybody's shoes away. We have a shoes basket by our front door where all of our frequently used shoes belong and she knows how to pick them up and throw them all in there.


• Petey likes to help wash the table, do the dishes, cook meals, and pick up many other things that I ask of her throughout the day.

This is not to say that our house is always tidy or that we don't sometimes forget to ask her to do these things. She is two, not eight, so I don't hold her responsible for not remembering to do her chores....nor are they really set up in a way that she has a set list of chores. These are just the things that she can do---and so, she does!

And that's how Suze sees it.

How do I?

How do I organize food in a kitchen with no pantry?

If you have the lack of a pantry in your home, I really hope this helps you. We have been living in our home for three years now and have had two kids in that time who are both now eating regular foods. It always seems like there are boxes or bags of food stacked along our counters because there are only 3 cupboards in our home that we can use for food. This week, I saw a post on Brown Paper Packages that I decided to try out. I bought these bins at Target for $2.50 each (I am seriously addicted to Target $1.00-$2.50 bins). It worked perfectly since they only had 4 red bins and red is my favorite color and also one of the colors in our kitchen. :)
I designated two bins for Boss and the kids filled with cookies, crackers, bagels, raisins, etc.

And two bins for me, filled with my 90-100 calorie packs. (this has been a HUGE help for my snacking on a diet)

We actually already had a basket on our counter that was used for all kinds of miscellaneous snacks. I designated it for the kids bagged chips, crackers, pretzels, etc.

On a side note, today I am proud to announce that there is not a single dirty dish in my kitchen! I worked hard most of this afternoon to get the kitchen organized and clean and am happy that I got it done!

And that's how Suze does it.

How do I?

How do I create cute Valentine's hair do's on Petey?

If anyone is looking for a cute hairdo for your little girl, look no further...or do. Ours are pretty simple but we like simple around here lately.

This was actually today's V-day hair do but I accidentally put these pictures up first. Start by sectioning the front part of the hair to the side and put a pony tail right in the middle of her head. Do a backwards pull through (link to the pull through is below in another hairstyle) and split the hair into two pieces.

I'm only going to show you one side of her hair in pictures..mirror to make the other side match. I just kept braiding the pieces and attaching rubber bands to make it shape like a heart.

Here is the finished product. It is a squared out heart, not perfect, but still adorabl!

This one, we tried was on Thursday. I took all of her front hair and put it in a pony tail and then did a pull through. I then sectioned two pieces and braided them halfway down. I grabbed another section of hair below the pull through and attached the two ponies together, leaving the braids really lose.
They kind of shaped like a heart when I did this. It wasnt my favorite do but it was my first attempt.

The biggest problem was that the bow covered almost the entire heart (and I dont normally do hairstyles without bows on my girl).
So on Friday, we tried again and tweaked it a little bit...

I took a section (this time off to the side of her head) of hair and did a backwards pull through (see how the hair is pulled through and pointing towards her face?).

I split the two sections again and braided them.

And then I took another section of hair and attached it all together, remembering to make sure the braids were loose. (exactly the same thing but with a backward pull through). This one was shaped a lot more like a heart and stayed that way all day. It also looked fine with a bow in it. The heart was still visible!

A cute picture of Petey with her "snake heart hair", as she called it. I guess the braids looked like snakes?

And that's how Suze does it.

How do I?

How do I keep my house oragnized?

Ok, laugh all you want if you've been to my house and are now reading this post. Clean? My house? Ha! But in all seriousness, I needed help in this area and decided to do something about it.

First of all, I have started following Fly Lady and have used so many tips from her. Sometimes, I just get bogged down with the cleaning of my house---and the tornado that runs through it every morning. My kids are so icky sticky and their mess travels. And then there's the adult mess.
I am THE WORST at getting my dirty clothes in a hamper or putting away clothes that I've tried on only to find I don't feel like wearing that. I create clothes clutter on our floor.
My husband is THE WORST at rinsing out dishes. He creates "longer dirty dish time in the sink" clutter because I have to soak the dishes before I can scrub off the food.
We all have our faults. And we all work on those faults but we make mistakes and we don't always remember to "clean as we go".

But having been at my parent's house this week, I have been forced to "clean as I go". One of my brother's chores is to empty the dishwasher every day...which forces me to do the dishes daily. I know that most people do their dishes daily but I just wasnt one of those people.

So here is what I implented in our home. I have a chart that is filled with chores (sound like fun yet?). Each day, I have written down certain areas in our home to clean and I make sure to get them done every day. Dishes are done on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Laundry is done Tuesdays and Thursdays. Etc.
One thing I have found is that I cannot always just do these chores and nothing else. The main goal is to AT LEAST get these daily chores done. If my son poops on his clothes, an load of laundry will be done on a M-W-F-S and if the dishes in the sink are too full, I will load the dishwasher on a T-TH. Or let's say mopping is done twice a week but on a non-mopping day, Petey spills her orange juice. Well, I am going to mop.
At first, I tried to make excuses that ONLY certain jobs were to be done on certain days but this doesnt help me in the long run. I am trying to train myself to clean as I go as much as possible.

So there you have it. My tips for keeping my house in order.

And that's how Suze sees it.

How do I?

How do I cook without poisoning my family?

A friend requested that I display my recent cooking adventures since you all know how hard cooking is for me. Refer to the post I have a cooking handicap if you were not aware of my disability.
Anyway, I am highlighting 3 meals from the past week in my post today.
The first meal was manadarin orange chicken stir fry.
I cheated and used a "Simply Asia" packet for my seasoning on the stir fry but I cooked everything else. Doesn't that still count?Steps:

1. Cook chicken strips in a pan.
2. Add any veggies you want in your stir fry and heat them in skillet with cooked chicken.
3. Add mandarin oranges.
4. Pour in sauce...and you're done.
   It was pretty darn good. I cooked this right before Boss came home from something and I completely forgot to cook rice or noodles to go with it but we just ate it plain. Petey hated it---but we liked it. :)
   
   

Meal Two: English muffin pizzas
One of my favorite childhood meals was english muffin pizzas. I know, very amateur, but have you met me?
Steps:

1. Lay out english muffin halves on a pan.
2. Add pizza sauces and any toppings.
3. Broil in oven on 450 for probably 5 minutes.

Have you noticed I really like 3-4 step meals? I don't like cooking in 3 different pans for the same dish and somehow pulling everything together. Maybe I'll get there...I'm not there yet. I put onions and spinach on my pizzas and pepperonis on all of the kid's pizzas.

Third Meal: Ground beef, red potatoes, and corn.

Steps:

1. Cook ground beef in a pan and add any seasonings (I stuck with season salt, pepper, and a little chili powder),
2. Dice red potatoes (keep the skins on, yum!) and add them to boiling water until they are soft.
3. I used frozen corn and just heated it in a bowl on the stove. It was super easy and I sprayed it with spray butter after it was done cooking.
   

By far, meal # 3 has been my favorite this week. Maybe because Boss' aunt introduced me to Shepherds Pie a couple months ago and the two are very similiar. Even though I made all of my dishes separate and served them to the kids separately, I mixed all 3 of my dishes together. Yummm!

And that's how Suze attempts to cook.

PS: Tomorrow night's dish will be a contender with meal # 3. I saw it on Paula Dean's show and am going to try and copy it tomorrow for Sunday dinner. Sausage Potato Salad. Yum!

How do I?

How do I dress Petey cute on a budget?

My daughter came out of the womb with a huge headband and bow on her head.

Just kidding. But kind of. That flower and headband cost me probably $6 all together which didn't seem like a problem at the time. I quickly learned, though, that if my girly was going to BE as girly as I wanted her to be, we needed to find another solution.

So I started making my own bows and headbands. Instead of buying them for $3 a piece, I can make a bow for $.50 or less...easy. It takes more time and effort but when you have to budget, time and effort need to be your best friend.

When Petey's hair was long enough, I started practicing on her hair. We could easily get through hair do's like this daily with no complaining on either end---and I was working full time at the time. It is just something Petey was trained to do. I learned that when attaching rubber bands in her hair like this, braids in between gave her hair a much neater look. (and of course, homemade HUGE bows).
I am always trying new things with her hair. Some turn out really cute and others don't. It actually isnt as hard as it looks to get her hair this way. I have always done Petey's hair during breakfast time, while she is occupied eating and not really paying attention. Onto her clothes: In MY opinion, my daughter is usually pretty well dressed. As I said in Friday Confessional last week, I probably spend too much time deciding what she will wear. But she doesn't wear expensive clothing. Ever. Unless it was a gift or hand-me-down. I do the majority of my kid's clothes shopping at Target, Walmart, and Goodwill. And sometimes Target is too expensive for me. I don't like spending more than $5 on most items of clothing for my kids. That isn't always true but for the most part, I stick to that rule.

You can also do well at places like The Children's Place or Dillards if you shop sales and get their online coupons. I don't do that as often since their clothes start off at a higher price but sometimes, I can find just as cheap clothes there as I can at Walmart...still havent found a store that's cheaper than Goodwill. When people offer to give me clothes, I never say no. Hand-me-downs are some of the best things to get. Absolutely free and usually from someone you know. Both of the sweaters my kids are wearing in the above picture are from a friend. Petey's jeans are from Goodwill (that's usually where I buy kids jeans since they are like $12-15 in other stores). Spidey's pants/outfit was on clearance at Target for $4. His shoes were $6 at Walmart. And Petey's shirt is from Old Navy (one of my favorite stores but way too expensive for kids usually) and we bought it as a dress when she was a year old.

One of my other favorite things to do is to buy the plain shirts at Target that are $5 a piece. They have many different solid colors and I will bring them home and begin a project of making them cuter. A little bit of fabric goes a long way on a solid colored shirt. Petey has many shirts that I've added to and they are all adorable to me.

Goodwill. If you've never been there, or to another second hand store in your area, please go now. Their clothes are so cheap and even though it takes effort to look for things, I can almost always find cute, nice looking clothes there. For cheaper than the Walmart Garanimal brand clothing---which doesnt fit my kids very well at all.

Why I got so lucky: Petey is petite. When she grows taller, she doesnt gain a lot of weight. Her shoulders/chest/stomach are very slim and so she actually wears certain types of clothes for over a year. There are many (seriously, so many!) dresses that Petey wore from the age of 6-12 months that she now, at 2 1/2 years old, wears as shirts. This makes my life easier because in the winter, I just buy a pack of Gerber long sleeve onesies in her size and she wears that under the shirts she wore during the summer.

If you're like me and stubborn---even though you don't have much money to work with---try these tips out. It may be just me but that girl up above is always lookin' cute! And her clothes are cheaper than most other kids her age.

And that's how Suze sees it.

How do I?

Beautiful, isnt she?I've decided to start another weekly blog post with a whole different kind of tutorial. My 'How do I?' posts will include my own parenting tips, cooking tips (ha!), organizing tips, etc. Whatever I feel like talking about. And if you're wondering how I do something, leave me a comment and I'll be sure to add that into my 'How do I?' posts.

How do I discipline?

Long ago (2 1/2 years ago), when we became new parents of a beautiful, tiny baby girl, I started to wonder how we would parent her. What would discipline be like and how would we know if we were doing things right?
At first, parenting was a cinch...but raising our daughter wasnt. Colic hit our house strong and she (and we) suffered from it for 9 months.
But her ninth month was also a huge landmark for another reason. Our baby girl began hitting and throwing tantrums (at NINE months old!). I remember calling my dad to ask him what to do when my daughter threw a tantrum and I also asked if it was normal for such a young baby.
My dad's reply: "She's your daughter...it's normal."
Thanks, dad.
So we began the ignoring game. She would scream, we would act like nothing was happening.

At a year old, we started "hand smacking phase". This phase was good for one reason and one reason only...teaching our daughter things she was not allowed to touch. No hand smacking was involved with her tantrums or other ordeals. It was only used to teach her what was off limits to her. I should call it more of a tap than a smack...I am not sure if it ever even hurt her but she knew it was a negative thing.

Around 18 months old, we started time outs. She would make a bad choice, we would put her in time out for one minute (a minute for each year she's been on this earth).
At age 2, we began the spanking phase. At first, I was very against spanking but it is something that works for miss Petey. I hardly ever spank her without warning. And usually, the only time I spank her is when she gets out of time out before her 2 minutes is up. She knows this is a consequence for her action and yet, she still tests me every once in a while. Or every day.

There are a few main keys that I believe has helped our sassy girl become the girly she is today...as in, a more even tempered, good listening girl. (not that she is always this way).

• I watch Supernanny sometimes and have taken so many tips from her style of discipline. When Petey goes in time out, she sits quietly and if she doesnt, her time doesnt start until she does. She knows not to get up and if she does, she has consequences. After her 2 minutes are up, I start by asking her why she was in time out. This helps her to remember her bad choice and we finish by her apologizing to whomever she has wronged.
• Instead of calling her a good or bad girl, we focus on good or bad choices. This helps her to know that we love her and know she is a good person but her choices were not good. If I catch her doing something she shouldnt, I will sometimes quiz her and say, "Petey, is that a good choice or a bad choice?" If she knows the correct answer, I ask her to stop. If she doesnt know the correct answer, I teach her.
• I try to make her consequences fit her actions. If she says a bad word or yells in my face, she gets a "bop" in her mouth or on her cheek. Also, if she's made a bad choice that she can help fix, she will do that after her 2 minutes of time out. For example, Petey is very afraid of the vaccuum cleaner. She's never liked the noise it makes. A couple weeks ago, she crushed a bunch of crackers into my rug on purpose and so what did I do? After finishing her time out, she had to hold the vaccuum and help me clean up her mess. And has she crushed crackers on my floor since then? No.
• I say the word "no" very often. I hate it. It has been both of my kids first clear word and they have BOTH learned to say it while pointing their index finger at you. Hmm...wonder where they learned that! I have been challenging myself lately to stop saying the word no as often. I read in a parenting magazine that it will help a child understand better if we briefly explain, rather than just yell, "No!". For example, if Spidey is pulling paper off of my counters and throwing it, I'll say, "Spidey, that paper is not for you." and direct him elsewhere. I'm hoping this helps my children realize why they cant do certain things instead of just hearing the word no all the time.
• I am a warner. I almost always give my children a first chance when disciplining them. For example, Petey yells the word stupid and I tell her that is not a nice word to say and if I hear her say it again, she will get a bop in the mouth. She says it again. Bop! This still happens quite frequently since my girly is a tester of boundaries but we stay strong to the boundaries we have set.
• It doesnt matter if other children are doing something she wants to do, if mom and dad say no, she doesnt do it. And if she chooses to do it anyway, she will receive a consequence. Every parent is different and I cannot tense up or release more freedom depending on who we are with. That would only confuse Petey and make her think the things we have taught her are "bad choices" are ok to do some places.

These things we have learned through raising our daughter may not be right for every child. They may not even be completely right for our son. Petey is a huge firecracker and if we don't keep strict rules with her, she would never stick to any boundaries. It is amazing how we have seen a difference in a girl that once was so hard for us to raise. Now that are boundaries are set, we have a much happier household.

And that's how Suze disciplines.