Lately, Ive just been in a rut. I should not have any feelings of jealousy towards friends who stay home with their babies. But I do. I try to shove it off of my chest but it lays there like a ton of bricks.
When I learned that my sister would stay home with her son, it tooks months to get used to. I'm not kidding. Months. I couldn't look at her the same. Every time she talked about it, I thought she was rubbing it in my face. Even though we are very close, she will never understand this trial that I have because she does not have to live through it. It wasn't ever her fault but I viewed it in that way. Instead of being happy for her, I was sad for me.
I am so selfish. I still do not understand why it is so hard to hear about someone else getting what I want so badly. It reminds me of the time I threw a huge fit when this same sister got rollerblades for her birthday because "I didnt have any!" How rude of my parents, right? :)
I work hard every day to overcome this challenge of mine. I love my sister and though I am used to her being home, sometimes there is still a twinge in my heart when I really think about it.
I miss my kids. I miss them so much when I am away from them. I come home for lunch and my sweet daughter yells, "Mommy!" and runs into my arms (most days). I wouldnt trade that for the world but it does make it harder to leave.
I love the things they are learning. Every day, I try and find more ways to stay home more. I make more bows, more flowers and am now learning to make baby boy ties (watch for them...theyre going to be adorable!).
Spidey is crawling and can say, "baba", "mama" and "dada". Petey is talking up a storm and learning to ride her new tricycle.
I dont want to miss a thing---Ive already missed so much.
2 and a half years (or less hopefully) and my husband will finish school. Im so proud of how hard he works for us. None of this sadness of not staying home is geared towards him. It just happens to be the way our life is right now. He works hard and I love him.
And that's how Suze sees it.