Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The worst and best days

Some days are just hard. Once in a while, I'll just have a day where everything seems to go wrong. It's beginning to happen more and more and I've been a bit confused as to why. I think subconciously, I know the anniversary of my infertility mark is creeping up on me. I get sad when I think about it but I also just have to laugh at myself.

I remember when I was sad about not conceiving after 6 months. I remember how devastated I was when we didn't conceive after a whole year. I remember when that 18 month mark hit and I was getting more used to the fact that we may not have any more children. But 2 years? Two years feels like a slap in the face.
Almost everyone that I've related with through this 2 year journey has had a baby or is at least pregnant right now. Almost all of my friends with 2 children my children's ages has a 3rd baby or a 3rd one on the way. Some even have a 4th.
 I've been infertile more than I've been pregnant in our marriage.

Yay me {sarcasm}.

My negativity is really a downer, isn't it? I apologize. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like feeling ungrateful for my blessed life. But I also don't like infertility.
I hate the big decisions I feel like I'm always having to make. Do we use fertility drugs? Do we see a fertility specialist and spend thousands of dollars? Will we get a baby if we do that or will we have wasted money for no end result? Should we save up and adopt? Should I just stop trying at all?
My mind has been racing lately with all of these questions and I wish someone else could make the decisions for me. I've found that the hardest part about being an adult is the decision making. I wish I could hire someone to make the best decisions possible for our family.

So it's been hard. What else is new? Infertility seems to get easier and harder with each passing day. I'm grateful for the dynamic change in my life. I'm thankful that even though things are sometimes hard, infertility doesn't control every second of my life anymore. I'm too busy being a mom to two little people and babysitting two extra little people most days. My house sure doesn't feel empty which I'm extremely grateful for.
I know God has placed specific people in my life to make things a little bit easier on me right now. I know He is a part of my every day. I also know there are times I forget He is there for me. Sometimes when things are the hardest, I have to remind myself why things feel hard in that moment. Usually, it helps me to realize that I haven't talked to my Heavenly Father enough or thought of Him and how He blesses me enough that day.

My favorite thing about being a mother is seeing how much tiny, silly, little things can change my childrens' moods. The tiniest of things can make their day into "The Best Day Everrrrr!". When I watch the video below, I can't help but smile. My children claimed Monday to be the best day ever because I let them ride with the windows rolled down in the car. It amazes me how grateful they are for the little things.
 I could learn a lesson or two from them.

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