Why is it that I feel anger so easily? Why is it that jealousy abounds when I hear of others having the things I can't have right now? And why does that anger turns in to pain as I think about the next three years of my life and what they entail?
I told a friend today, "My children are growing up in the blink of an eye---why cant my husband's college be done in the blink of an eye?" I want my children to slow down and for school to speed up. I want the next three years to painlessly make their mark on my family so that I can have the hope of staying home with my children (you knew that was what this post was going to end up being about, didn't you?). It is not doubt in my husband that makes these years seem hard. It is the me-working/him-stressing/kids-still-growing that make these years seem slightly dreadful. He is the most amazing person and is willing to work AND go to school AND try to get this all done in 3 years or less. I just know it will be busy, it will be stressful, and it will make a mark, whether good or bad, on our family. It can make us or break us---and I'd rather it not break us.
So why cant I learn NOT to covet? Yes, I want what a 18 year old girl who got pregnant out of wed-lock has. Why should she get to stay home with her baby when I did things the right way? Don't get offended that I said that. I am spilling my feelings all over this page. It is hard for a mother like me to see situations like that where said baby wasn't planned and yet somehow, mom still finds a way to stay home. I cant find that way. Right now, there isn't a way. What I need to find is acceptance and patience. Someday, I know we will be blessed for the things we are doing right now. It may not be today because what would that teach me? Perseverance is something my family is learning and feeding off of. For some reason, this needs to happen.
I don't know the whole plan. Only God knows. And it is so very hard for me to put my trust in him but I am working on it. Trust is not one of my strong points...
And that's how Suze sees it.