Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Emotions

Why is it that I feel anger so easily? Why is it that jealousy abounds when I hear of others having the things I can't have right now? And why does that anger turns in to pain as I think about the next three years of my life and what they entail?
I told a friend today, "My children are growing up in the blink of an eye---why cant my husband's college be done in the blink of an eye?" I want my children to slow down and for school to speed up. I want the next three years to painlessly make their mark on my family so that I can have the hope of staying home with my children (you knew that was what this post was going to end up being about, didn't you?). It is not doubt in my husband that makes these years seem hard. It is the me-working/him-stressing/kids-still-growing that make these years seem slightly dreadful. He is the most amazing person and is willing to work AND go to school AND try to get this all done in 3 years or less. I just know it will be busy, it will be stressful, and it will make a mark, whether good or bad, on our family. It can make us or break us---and I'd rather it not break us.
So why cant I learn NOT to covet? Yes, I want what a 18 year old girl who got pregnant out of wed-lock has. Why should she get to stay home with her baby when I did things the right way? Don't get offended that I said that. I am spilling my feelings all over this page. It is hard for a mother like me to see situations like that where said baby wasn't planned and yet somehow, mom still finds a way to stay home. I cant find that way. Right now, there isn't a way. What I need to find is acceptance and patience. Someday, I know we will be blessed for the things we are doing right now. It may not be today because what would that teach me? Perseverance is something my family is learning and feeding off of. For some reason, this needs to happen.
I don't know the whole plan. Only God knows. And it is so very hard for me to put my trust in him but I am working on it. Trust is not one of my strong points...
And that's how Suze sees it.

3 comments:

joey said...

Maybe you should have waited on having kids. Maybe they came too quickly, not saying you should regret them... but if you waited until you were more comfortable and able to afford them, you may not be in this position. However, you are, so make the most of your time with your children. Don't sit on blogger or facebook all day... hang out with them and when you have to go to work, think about them, instead of hating your situation. Comparing yourself to a situation you know nothing about will not help. How do you mean you did everything right? How do you know that? What is right? Just because you got married and then had kids, doesn't mean it was the right timing. Take responsibility for yourself and do something about your situation instead of complaining. I don't mean to be so blunt and I know it's coming off rude, but someone has to tell you the truth. No more sugarcoating.n

Suzanne and Davey Maughan said...

Yes, Joey, I do believe I did things right. I believe that sex outside of marriage is a sin, hence the getting married and then having children. I knew having my kids was the right timing. Who are you or anyone else to even suggest that I should have waited to have children. You dont know me or my situation. All you know is that I dont have the opportunity right now to stay home with my kids, a vague point of view on the reality of my life. Being a mother, it is difficult to leave your children, whether you want to or have to. Im sure every working mom has feelings like this. And Im sure not every one of them is choosing to work---so should they have waited to have kids? Obviously not since God sent them to them. Had it not been right for me to have kids at the time, I never would have gotten pregnant. Thank you for your blunt point of view but it is really not necessary to put down someone who is already on the ground.

Suzanne and Davey Maughan said...

And you also dont know my situation or how often I am on blogger or facebook. I do these things when my kids are asleep. I am not stupid enough to complain about not seeing my kids and then ignore them while I am home. We make very good use of our time. And I can afford my kids---hence the working. If I wanted to be the kind of mother who took every form of govt assistance to stay home, Im sure I could make it work but I choose to afford my kids with my own money.