Wednesday, February 15, 2012


As I mentioned in the previous post, I've had a bit of a set back lately dealing with my PCOS. It's not so much that I am depressed as it is my heart aches right now (It's hard for my husband to tell the difference, especially since depression runs so strongly in my family). I'm sorting through the emotions that come up unexpectedly throughout each day and realizing I CAN DO THIS---but the easiest way to do this is to take it one day at a time. So I try not to think about the what if's and the when's of the children in our life. But I find myself doing it anyway...
Will there only be 2? Will there be 7 (ha!)? Will we have multiples from doing fertility? Will we end up adopting?
I could go on all day long, asking myself what my life is going to be like in the future but honestly, it hasn't done me any good up until this point and will not do me good as I look to the future.
I feel like I'm staring over a cliff and deciding which way I'm going to be saved. Will it be the helicopter or the large trampoline below? I know it's a silly analogy but I feel like there are different ways my life can go from here on out. It can be a scary leap of faith like the trampoline jump or I can be saved by a helicopter and not have to deal with this uneasiness much longer. There are so many things I wish I could just decide right here and now and know how life will work out. So many things in my head keep changing. Like the fact that going through this infertility has actually made me want a larger family again and how after having Petey, I was scared to death of ever having multiples (because she was so hard by herself) and now, it would be such a blessing to get two in one pregnancy. Because now pregnancy is hard and it isn't determined by the way I plan it. And that's scary for me.
So which way do we go? Because I feel stuck in the middle and neither right or left seems to be the right way to head right now. So maybe I'll just decide to stay put until God decides to open up a new path that is right for our family.

Can you believe this is my baby? Lately, I've been getting asked his age a lot because he speaks clear sentences ALL DAY LONG and every time I tell them he is 2, I get asked if he's closer to 2 or to 3 and I have to think about it and realize he'll be 2 1/2 in only 6 more weeks. I know I'm being ridiculous but he is growing up way too fast! The sentences are so, so sweet and he melts my heart but sometimes I panick when I forget what it was like to have a baby in the home. It gives me anxiety to think that I haven't appreciated enough moments with the children I've been blessed with.

So even though I can't get those moments back, I will continue to appreciate the fact that I am a mom and I am very blessed. And when a new path opens up, I'll be standing right there ready to take it.

And that's how Suze rambles.

1 comment:

Emily said...

I'm sorry you're going through all this heartache. I think it's really great that you have this blog to vent all your emotions onto.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, and it's hard sometimes to remember that His timing is always the best for us in the long way. I hope you can find the peace and contentment that you're longing for.