As I wrote in a previous post, I was sick last week and Friday was my sickness and recovery day. That night, I felt horrible for having played approximately 10 movies throughout the day (I'm serious.) and laying on the couch. The kids were acting up and Boss was tired from a long day at school. Neither of us had patience and wanted to deal with the whirlwind that was our children.
But because I knew it was important to the kids, we fought through our aches and pains, got down on our hands and knees, and played with those two special little people.
We dumped out all of the blocks we own (two separate huge bags)
and built a tower so tall, the children had to be lifted up to put the last couple of pieces on.But you can't fake smiles like those. Those are genuine smiles from children who wanted their mommy and their daddy that night. We all had a blast and guess what? When engaging our children in activities, they couldn't go make messes that we would find later. It was such a special night.
Which brings me back to Saturday...
So I went to the conference with my mom and sister and honestly had so many insights into what I want life to be like and how to make it that way. I've always known I want to raise a tight knit family but learning and utilizing the things I've learned is not as easy as it looks. It starts now. And it will continue forever.
I heard many things about marriage that I took to heart, seeing how I have a hard (but seriously wonderful) marriage. I kept thinking to myself, "There are couples who don't raise their voices at each other?????????" and after I got over that initial shock ;), I decided that's what I want.
I want a peaceful home, happy children, a loved and cared for husband, and I know in the end, all of those things are what will bring me the most happiness in this life.
One of the classes that struck deep in my heart was the class we attended on adversity. As you may know, this is month 11 of our infertility journey. I read that number and my heart breaks. I wish it wasn't so for one reason; I want a baby. But because it IS so, I'm grateful for what I've learned. Back in November, I posted the music video to one of my favorite songs, Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks. Here it is again if you want to see it.
I know I was given this trial for a reason and I am honestly thankful for it. Does that mean I don't cry when I find out I'm not pregnant every month? No. What it means is that I've accepted my trial as a beautiful heartbreak. I have been taught so many things and can already see the positive blessings it has brought to my life. I know it is my trial for a reason. And it isn't a trial that runs my life day in and day out. Do my husband and I believe we will have more children? Yes. Do we believe the timing is right right now? Not necessarily. I trust that Heavenly Father knows when the timing is right. I feel like this month has forced me to either accept my infertility or to break down because of it. You see, all of my sisters who can have babies will be having babies in the year 2012. What a hard blow that was for me. But it forced me to realize that my happiness cannot be determined by someone else's life. And IT IS possible to be happy for others, even when they have something you've been wanting for a long while. To get offended when someone complains about their pregnancy or their newborn child is not what this trial is about and it makes me sad when I see others doing that. Everyone has the right to complain. Pregnancy and motherhood are hard! If they were easy, the rewards would not feel so sweet. We are mothers because we are strong. Actually, we are strong because we are women! Motherhood or not, we are all able to be strong, stick close to God, and accept the trials we are given. We may never know why those specific trials are in our lives but I hope we can all learn to accept them and trust that our Heavenly Father knows and loves us.
So that is my goal. I will strive for it daily and I know some days, I will fail. But I'll get back up and start again another day. :)
And that's how Suze sees it.
PS: PCOS and infertility friends, I know it hurts when someone announces a pregnancy or complains about being overdue with a baby. I'm not saying your feelings aren't real and honest or ok. I just hope that we can learn to be happy for others even when we are going through rough trials. Love you all!