I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've tried to keep my infertility posts to a minimum these past couple of months. But once in a while, I need a break from that break because I need my blog for these things.
For some reason, I knew in my mind that this would be the month we would get pregnant. I wanted so badly to make it so that all of my sisters and I would have babies in 2012. I know I shouldn't compare and I actually feel like I do pretty well with that but for some reason, I was really set on this month.
So when the results from my ob came back negative, I was crushed. Worse than ever before. I cried a lot that afternoon and night and have been kind of a mess since then. The 'Why's" came rushing through my brain and I had periods of anger. It felt like the Month 1 fail all over again.
As I reread through that first months blog post of our failed attempt at fertility, I realized we are nearing the end of a road. I remember Boss telling me that if the fertility didn't work, we would need to make some hard decisions. And here it is, not working.
March was our 12th month. A whole year. A WHOLE YEAR. It's hard to grasp the fact that we have been trying to have a baby that long. I honestly just never thought we would get to this point. Because I was told by someone that it wasn't "infertility" until we hit the year mark. And here we are, big sign hanging over us that reads "INFERTILITY"!
I'm not sure how much longer we will decide to keep trying for Baby # 3. Honestly, I'm not sure how much more my heart can take right now. I have too many decisions to make and sometimes, I wish I could not be the adult for a day.
I want to rush to my daddy and snuggle up in his arms, knowing that everything is going to be ok. I want someone else to decide what road we take next. I want the peace I had 3 weeks ago.
I know I'll find it again but it hurts right now.
I told Boss the day we found out we were not expecting that I just have tunnel vision for a few days. Pretty soon, I'll be over it and be able to accept my challenge again but for a few days after hearing this sad news, my outlook is not as positive.
I promise I'll bounce back. I promise I am thankful. And I promise we will make the best decision that we know how for our family. I just wish I knew what that decision was right now.
Then again, I also wish I was cuddling a newborn baby right now.
PCOS is hard. Infertility is hard. But I can BEAT this. And someday, I'll see the bigger picture, smile, and realize that this really was all for the best.
But today...tunnel vision.
And that's how Suze sees it.