I'm doing great and I'm doing horrible.
Is that even possible?
It must be because it's how I'm doing.
I think about being pregnant and have a lot of anxiety when thinking about starting to try again next month. I don't know whether to try on our own or add fertility drugs in right away. I am so worried that it still won't work and if it doesn't work, that's the end. There's nothing else we can do for years and years...unless we win the lottery tomorrow. That'd be nice (even though we don't play...).
I don't want to live my life wishing for another baby every month if it isn't going to happen. I wish Heavenly Father could just tell me a snippet of what is going to happen in the future so I could know what to do.
Because if these are the only two kids we are going to have, how blessed we are to have two great little ones.
But if this is not the end of our family, I want to be doing what I can to get our other children to earth.
I have such a strong feeling that this isn't the end but that's what makes this all hard.
I know life isn't about what I think is best.
God really does know best.
But it would be nice if Him and I agreed on this timing.
If we were pregnant right now, Spidey would be 3.5 when the baby would be born.
I know these thoughts don't help and so many parts of me are so grateful for this infertility. Infertility has helped me be a better mother to my children. It has helped me empathize with a large community of women who are struggling through many different forms of infertility. I may struggle with secondary infertility but I know what it feels like to want a baby and feel heartbroken every month. I also know how to get out of that rut and stop being so depressed when there is so much to look forward to in life (though I do fall back into it every so often).
The bitterness of infertility makes me sad. I've experienced it before but I know women who let it define who they are.
Don't get me wrong, I cry when others announce they are pregnant. For some reason, it's harder when women announce they are pregnant with their 3rd. It makes me sad for me but I can also take my sad thoughts and turn them into happy thoughts because I know I would want that for someone else if I were the pregnant one.
I just feel so bad for living my life so cluelessly to the issues of infertility. I always hated infertility and never wanted it to be a part of my life but I never stopped and thought about those who were possibly sad when I announced pregnancies or when I said I was a bit sad about finding out my son was a son.
How grateful I am for a son and how grateful I am to have my children.
But seriously, how selfish I was to complain for a second that I wasn't getting two girls in a row.
Now I know better.
Now I can act better and try and teach those around me how to better act around someone with infertility.
So yes, I am grateful. It's a very sad trial in my life but I wouldn't trade it if given the chance. Infertility has been a great teacher in my life and it is something that is helping to polish off all of those jagged edges that I am still holding onto.
There is so much more to this than just wanting a baby. I have been so hopeful lately and anxious to try again but I know whatever happens is God's will. Whatever happens will be the best possible thing for our family.
And that's how Suze sees it.
2 comments:
Young heart goes out to you. I have a few friends struggling with getting pregnant and I'm glad they're open about it, because it doesn't make it as awkward to talk about my kids and what not. It just break my heart. All good people and I'll never understand why some people have a hard time and others don't, but you're right that it is up to God. He has a plan for us all. It's good that you can recognize the blessings of such a hard trial.
I wrote a post similar in nature to this a few months back, around the time we hit our year mark. Those who announced third pregnancies were the worst - especially those who had their second after Mer was born. It IS hard but, like you said, it's happy for them and you want to be happy for them as you hope they'd be happy for you... But it's still hard. I remember the point of becoming grateful for my trial because I could see how it was making me better. I went back and read some old blog posts and was suddenly terrified I was going to forgt that dependency on the Lord through prayer and scriptures and temple attendance. ... Like the prodigal son who receives what he wants and just takes off. I admire your dependence on the Lord and that you always seem to find two sides to the coin - yes, a super touh trial, but also beautiful changes and blessings in your life. I think that's the exact attitude our Heavenly Father wants us to have in our trials and in life - even when we don't understand, always return back to Him.
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