Wednesday, January 29, 2014

You Just Never Know

If you've been awaiting the end of the 30-day challenge, you can stop waiting now; not because I'm finishing them up but because I'm done with them. I'm ok with getting 20-ish days for the month of January and feeling like that was a success. I didn't anticipate school to take up so much time but I also didn't anticipate life to get harder than last semester.

I thought I was on the downhill slope of healing but apparently, I came to a cliff and I'm going to have to take some time to build a bridge before I can cross and keep going.

It's hard to have a blog where you get to express your feelings but not being able to express every feeling. Does that make sense? There's a fine line between sharing enough to help others and sharing too much. I know I cross that line sometimes but I try not to. I try to help and be honest without being overly sad or descriptive.

Going through a divorce is very lonely. It doesn't matter how many people rally around me, I still get lonely sometimes. There are things only God understands. Nobody has gone through exactly what I'm going through. So it gets lonely and I hate feeling lonely.

I'm doing a lot of growing up. Learning how to live on my own is becoming more of a second nature than it was at first. I'm learning routine and how to take care of the kids for 24 hours a day except for my every other weekend and a weekday night break. It's hard. I often feel this pressure to be better for my kids, to be more for them. I keep thinking they need perfection from me and there's just no way I can live up to that. There are nights we don't do a bedtime routine because I'm so worn out and I always feel so incredibly guilty.

I put these own pressures on myself. I try and control every single little thing in my life that I can because my life feels very out of control. I'm way too hard on myself and have developed a severe case of self doubt and have lost my ability to believe I have a lot of self worth.
I often think of that little girl I used to be and how clueless she was, as we all are, to how her life would turn out. I wish I could warn her so she could get some armor on. It's taken a lot to learn how to prepare myself for trial because you just never know! I've learned that the hard way. You can prepare all you want and expect that certain things in your life are going to be constant but you just never know!

I felt like the hardest part was over but I think it's just beginning.

Why is it so hard to find that natural happiness I can usually find easily?

Lots of questions to ponder on my part.

The thing is, it's going to be ok---I'm going to be ok. This hasn't killed me. It hasn't ruined me forever. I just need to deal with it so eventually, I'm able to move on and be that healthy, happy mom my kids need.

And don't you worry --- I'll get there.

1 comment:

Ken_and_Becky said...

You know, I think sometimes the seemingly easy, silent fights are the hardest. Like when your parent finds out you did something wrong and you wish they would just smack you instead of giving you the silent treatment or saying they're disappointed in you. You just want the sting to come so you can get over it. I'm sorry this has been so hard on you. Don't let this trial make you forget how wonderful you are. You've worked hard to do the best you can for your sweet children. They'll forgive you, or may not even notice when you don't do a bedtime routine or whatever you think you've fallen short on. They're smarter and stronger than you might think. Teach them that it's ok to be vulnerable, that it's ok to have hard days where you just want to let go and do things the easy way, teach them that it's ok if life isn't perfect, so that when they're grown, they won't beat themselves up about it. I was about Hailey's age when my parents got divorced. I don't really remember much about it but I remember my parents being respectful to each other and we learned in time to understand why things happened the way they did. We didn't have a lot growing up partly since my Mom was going through school, like you, and so we appreciated the things we got and learned that time together was the most important and that it's ok if life isn't perfect because it all works out in the end. I love you and have always looked up to you as a mom. You always inspire me to want to be a better mom to my kids. I hope you never forget how amazing you are, even with your faults, because trust me, we all have them.