2013 Review Extravaganza: January, February, and March

I start this series off the exact same way every year. It just simply cannot be the end of the year yet. It was just January!
But here we are, reviewing the year, month by month. This week's post will have January, February, and March.

January:
I started off my year by making my new year goals. Re-reading that post was hard but it helped me realize that I had picked the perfect word for the year. Faith is something I've relied on to get me through so many things this year. It's actually hard for me to believe that at the beginning of the year, I was still hoping and praying and doing fertility treatments to try and have another baby. That is nowhere near where I am right now. My miracle wasn't a baby. My miracle was having enough faith to endure things I thought I wasn't strong enough to endure.

We were busy taking a gazillion trips to the zoo with our new membership. {And seriously, I forgot how long E's hair was back then and how short Petey's was!}

I talked about being about how I can do hard things. I'd like to revisit that post in a new post someday.

And we can't forget the annual cabin trip for New Year's with my family {which obviously happened before the other picture but I can't seem to switch it to the top of the page}. Maybe in 5-10 years, we can visit that trip. It was amazing, seriously hard, and more amazing to be with my family. I remember that trip vividly and am so glad we went.

February:

In February, my brother in law got married, Spidey got strep throat, and we got Netflix!

It was Spidey's first time having strep and he was miserable.

Then, Petey got strep throat and ended up at the emergency room because we thought there was more going on. There wasn't. Maybe I'm just overprotective.

I wrote a short post about why I'm too happy to be this sad. Though my circumstances are different, that same concept still rings true today!

March:

Petey had her 1st dance concert of 2013. It was hectic to get her there and it was raining and they were dancing outside but she did it!

Immediately after her dance performance, we headed over to Carlsbad because it's a family tradition!

This year, we went to LEGOLAND and both of the kids were big enough for the rollercoasters they wanted to do.

We celebrated my brother in law's wedding and had a wonderful time there.

The last thing we did in March was celebrate Easter.

Stay tuned for next week's review!

Surviving Trials

Sometimes, it just boggles my mind how many things I've "survived" that I swore I could never survive.
Where is my life? You know, that one I had planned from when I was a little girl?
It's completely non-existent and in it's place is the beautiful {but completely opposite} life I currently live.
There are days where I'm smiling for no apparent reason and I think, "But why?! Why are you smiling? You shouldn't be able to smile right now."
But the truth is, I should be smiling right now. I should've been smiling a year ago. And I also should've been smiling two years ago. Etc. Etc. Etc...
Happiness doesn't come from what my life looks like on the outside; happiness is something that has evolved within my heart and soul. Nobody gets to take it away from me. Ever.

"Happiness is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ." And yes, that is a link.
That quote has always been one of my favorites. In my darkest hours, I can wade through the thick, uninviting fog and find my way to sunshine. It is always there. The sunshine I refer to is a never-changing commitment that Christ made when he suffered for our sins. Not just yours, not just mine---ours. Everyones'. He is the only person who knows "to the T" what I am feeling so who better to turn to?

And let me tell you, this isn't some gimmick where I tell you my life is perfect because I am a Mormon and we're all just happy and perfect and the best homemakers everrr.
That is a sincere lie.
First of all, I'm a crappy homemaker. I know that. I hate cooking. I have to force myself to clean.
Second of all, trust me when I tell you I'm not always happy. It doesn't work that way. Every day, I work hard to achieve my happiness. And some days, it doesn't come. Some days are just crap. Some days I scream into my pillow and then punch it 50 times.
But I don't let days like that determine how I feel about my life as a whole.
That is my point.
I'm not here to tell you that it's bad to be angry or sad or depressed. "Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are." I'm also not here to tell you that happiness is something I'm great at! It's hard work for me right now.
But if you're struggling like I'm struggling or have ever felt lonely, I'm here to change your mind. I'm here to tell you that you're never alone and you can find happiness in any situation. I promise. It's hard and you're still going to be sad sometimes but counteract those days of sadness with days of joy.

This isn't to boast or tell you how super awesome I am but let me tell you a short story.
On a Saturday in August, my husband and I separated. Sunday, I was a mess. I couldn't be anywhere with anyone without breaking down. I knew I couldn't live my life this way so I decided to write down some goals for Monday. I wanted to be there for my kids and show them that I can be ok! The very first goal I wrote down was, "Find someone else to serve today.". I don't tell you that because I'm the best servant of Christ ever. I tell you that because I wholeheartedly believe that is something that has gotten me through some of the lowest times in my life.
There are so many people who have it worse than me and when I break open my little bubble, I find them and then I realize how blessed I am. And even if those people don't have it "worse than me" {because really, who am I to even compare?}, everyone struggles. Everyone has trials that are huge and hard and scary to them. On that particular Monday, I tried to stop thinking about me for a few hours and focus on someone else who was also struggling.
All we did that day was take cookies to a friend but it was helpful to me. It got my mind thinking of others instead of just pitying myself.
I hadn't truly smiled in days but that day, I remember the feelings of gratitude for friendships, for service, and especially for knowledge of my Savior. I go back to that day often because it was only 48 hours after one of the hardest days in my life and I need to remind myself that only 48 hours later, I was still alive and I even smiled.
It's amazing how healing that is to my soul.

I Believe in Me

Tonight must be emotional, for some reason. I turned on the computer and this image smacked me in the face with it's imperfect perfection.

I cried.
I love that it's the background of our computer. What I love even more is that they are mine for eternity.

After turning the computer on, I signed in to my school account to check on my grades. My English teacher had sent me back an essay that I thought I was struggling with and her words were so positive and encouraging. I started to cry again. She corrected two words and that was it. The rest was great in her eyes.

The thing is, school scares me. I'm a semester in and I feel like I've rocked this semester but there are 11 more semesters before I get to have my career. And I can assume that they will not all be this easy.

The thought of my classes getting harder scares me.
But the thought of dropping out of school terrifies me.
I'm where I need to be.
I need to believe in me.

I'm staring my fears down daily. The fear of failure weighs on my mind but it's a battle I have to endure so I can reach my end goal.

My goals might seem farther out there than a single mom of two can reach but I'm just going to have to show the world that it can be mastered. I'm not picking the easy way out. A bachelors and a masters degree are not the easy way out. Building up my own clients so I can have flexible work hours is not going to be the easy way out. It's going to be challenging most of the time for a long time but it will be so worth it.

I'm determined not to fail. I don't want to be that story. I don't want to lose my ambition. I want to succeed.

Succeed, I can and succeed, I will.

Thanksfuls 2013

 I'm thankful for my Lil Man. Spidey is the best son in the world. I'm thankful for his smiles and the thousands of times he cuddles with me. I'm thankful for the {patience} he teaches me. I'm thankful that he has red hair because it is freaking adorable. I love this wonderful 'man of the house' we get to have.

 I'm thankful for my princess. Petey is such a vibrant, smart little girl. I'm thankful for the lessons she teaches me. I'm thankful for her kind heart and her example to me. She is constantly teaching me how to love others more. She isn't 100% selfless but she is more selfless than any other 5 year old I've ever met. I am so glad this special, sweet, blue-eyed princess is mine forever.

 I'm thankful that my kids have a good dad. I'm thankful to know that they love and look up to him so much. He is a wonderful dad and I don't regret bringing those two perfect babies into this world with him. He has taught me a lot these past 7 years and through the sadness I now face, I still don't doubt that he is a good father to those precious kiddos.

 I am thankful for each and every one of the people in the above picture. My family is wonderful. My sisters and brother are wonderful. My parents are extremely supportive and are always willing to do whatever I need. They give me so much love and have raised me to be the person I am today.

For this last one, I had to put a silly picture up to keep my crying to a minimum. I'm extremely thankful for this girl. She is the best friend I could've asked for during this time in my life and I plan on being her friend forever and ever. She watches my kids ridiculously often, she is always there when I need to talk, and she tells me to truth. Sometimes I don't like to hear it but I always know she's right---did you catch that, Lacey? That's the only time I'm going to admit it.
Heavenly Father placed Lacey in my life for a reason. I don't know if she realizes the importance of her being where she is today. They moved in last year and months later, we became almost instant friends. I had been lonely for a long time before that and hadn't felt a strong friendship and she just barged right in my life and showed me what friendship should mean. I am forever thankful to Lacey.

I'll stop there so I don't sound too uber obsessed with my friend but just trust me---she's the best.

Thanksgiving was so special this year and I'm so incredibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for making it a year to remember.

When asked what I was thankful for this year before we sat down to eat, the first thing that came to my mind was this:
I'm thankful for the ability to be happy, no matter the situation.

And that is so true. I am thankful to know that I control my happiness. I'm thankful to be a mom. I'm thankful for food to eat and for the people that surround me daily.

I am so blessed and I love it.

The Story of My Life

 So last night, I watched the American Music Awards and though I have plenty of commentary on the things I saw and heard {Seriously, Miley?!}, I've had the song, 'The Story of My Life' from One Direction stuck in my head since then.

And in all honesty, I can only remember those 5 words out of the entire song because last night is the first time I'd heard it.

So the phrase 'The story of my life" has played over and over again in my head.
Let's ponder that phrase for a minute, shall we?

I just love that picture of Spidey. It seems like the perfect pondering picture.

The story of my life. Do you use that phrase as often as I do?
When the kids are being absolutely nuts? Story of my life!
When the house is a mess five minutes after cleaning it up? Story of my life!
When I plan to be somewhere on time and it takes me 20 minutes to wait for the kids to get their shoes on? Story of my life!
I seem to use this phrase a lot. In fact, I have another picture that epitomizes that phrase.

 This really is the story of my life!
Petey and her little dancing body are always posing but not always paying attention.
Spidey is usually playing in the dirt or getting messy in whatever way possible, smirking the whole time because he knows better.
And what can I do? Throw my hands up in the air and proclaim, "This is the story of my life!" and if I can add to that, "This is the story of my life and I love it!". It may not always seem that way but at the end of the day when the kids are sleeping soundly, I can usually look back on the days events and laugh until I fall asleep. That's how awesome this life is.

But sometimes it bothers me how this is just the story of my life on the outside---because on the inside, it is so much more. It is heartache and pain, laughter and sarcasm, hard work and weight gain.

So many things define who I am.

The story of my life was once a rebellious, problematic little girl. I wanted to change that and so I did.

The story of my life was once a liar and a judger. I wanted to change that and for the most part, I have.

The story of my life was once a selfish, disrespectful teenager. I wanted to change that and I certainly hope I have!

The point is, my story is ever changing.
I don't have to be that girl that had 2 kids and then spent two years dwelling on the fact that she couldn't have a third. I don't have to be that girl that was rude before she thought about what she was saying, resulting in hurt feelings and hurt friendships. I don't have to be labeled as a divorcee or one of the halves of a failed marriage. I don't have to be any girl I don't want to be!

There is so much more to me than any of those things! Often times, it feels like my life will never get better or things will even get worse than they are. It seems like I'll always have labels I don't want to have.
But the truth is, I get to choose who I am. I can be sad or angry that I am going to be single or I can do everything I can to make life as great as it can be. I can talk rudely about Boss or I can try and understand him and realize his life isn't a walk in the park either.
I can have any perspective I want and that perspective defines who I am and what I am about.

My perspective of the things life hands me is something I am 100% in charge of.

We all have choices. Some are easy, some are hard, but all have results and we get to choose those results and how we handle those results.

 So today, the story of my life happens to be filled with children who whined about cleaning their rooms but finally relented because they really wanted to get the Christmas decorations out.

The story of my life is school; hard work, lots of homework, and a couple of finals.

The story of my life is happiness; because my life is filled with things that have the potential to help me choose to be happy. Notice I didn't say 'make me happy'. I love that my happiness is a choice and that I can control it.

My family is beautiful.

I am beautiful.

The story of my life is beautiful.

It's a Good Day

 Life.
As you've read, if you've been reading lately, life hasn't been easy. And yet, it has. It's difficult to explain.
There are good days and there are days where I have to force myself to recognize the good---but every day has the potential to possess some type of good in it so I choose to find it.

Most of my heartache is for my children. None of these decisions are fair to them. It isn't fair that they have to take turns with mom or dad. It isn't fair that they don't get bedtime kisses from both of us. I was so angry in the beginning because of the unfairness that this new life will put on my kids.

They are strong and brave but they are still just kids. They didn't make a single one of these choices but they have to live their entire lives being reminded of them. Everyone tells me they'll be fine. Quite honestly, I firmly believe they will be fine. But in the meantime, I can't take away every ounce of pain that they feel or will feel or have felt. This is a learning experience for all of us and it will take time to get used to. And I know there will be times when we think we have learned but we have to re-learn all over again.

I have to give myself daily goals because sometimes, my brain cannot focus on any more than that. One of my daily goals is to find a way to have a good day. It seems simple but sometimes it's extremely hard. I'm a naturally positive person and it has been hard to find happy things to focus on. I struggle every day.

When we went to Time Out for Women last month {you're going to have to scroll down on the blog because I'm too lazy to find the link and post it}, my mom gave us all an early Christmas present. It was the newest Hilary Weeks cd. At first, I wasn't sure. You see, I am a bit obsessed with the last Hilary Weeks cd my mom gave me because of the Beautiful Heartbreak song. It has been a favorite. That song helped me through infertility and many things going on in my marriage. It was a song I listened to daily for a while.
I wasn't sure it would be possible to find another song like that for our current situation.
But Hilary did it{Did you know we're on a first name basis these days?}. She just went ahead and wrote another song that happened to be just what I need right now.
Not only was it what I need, it is what my kids need. And they request it every morning on our drive to take Petey to school.
Sometimes, when I'm having a hard time recognizing the good in my day, the lyrics to the song will pop into my head and remind me that "I'm alive and I'm breathing---so it's a good day!".
If I could speak to Hilary Weeks, there are so many things I'd tell her about how her music has changed my life. On that same note, I wouldn't even have either cd if it wasn't for my mother who loves and supports me so dearly.

I am seriously so blessed.

I know God gives me challenges for a reason.
I also know He makes sure I am surrounded with the people, places, things, AND music I need when I'm going through challenging times.

I'm just going to let my kids go ahead and introduce you to our new favorite song. I have a hard time not crying when I watch this video because I look at my children and their positive, brave attitudes and I am so thankful that they are so strong. We'll get through this ---that I do not doubt.

Becoming a Friend Like my Friends

Yesterday, in our women's meeting at church, my friend gave a lesson that has been on my mind for days, week, and these past few months. Her proposition when she started the lesson: Be thinking of things you've done for others or things others have done for you.

The very first sentence that came to my mind was this: Which of the 3,000 stories should I pick from?

This is the truth, friends. I have thousands of stories. 2,999 of them are stories of what people have done for me.

Since I was holding her sleeping baby who then woke up and started to fuss {ie: screamed because I wouldn't let him run to his momma}, I didn't ever get a chance to raise my hand and contribute the beautiful blessings that replay in my mind daily.

These are all personal stories of how others have helped me so I promise, they are true.

 

Let's start with the main feature on this post: my new family pictures.

 I was elated when my friend decided to squeeze me in to her busy holiday schedule. I wanted updates of my kid and it was equally incredible just to be able to spend time with someone I love so much. She captured what I wanted perfectly and even added a couple of pictures of me in there---not so much what I wanted but something I think I've been needing. :)

 Of course, the very first thing I did when I saw this picture was start to tear myself down. Why do I do that?! But it only took a minute to understand how priceless of a picture this is.
There is so much love here. I'm forever grateful to have these and I'm having a hard time being patient for the rest of the pictures.

#2: The day everything in my life seemed to fall apart. I couldn't face my kids yet and let them see me broken so I drove to my best friend's house. She happened to be pulling out of the driveway and when she saw me, she got out and I noticed she was in a dress. It was a Saturday night so I assumed I had just interrupted date night---I had---but that was ok with her. She was on her way to the temple and I tagged along. I was a 7th wheel on their three-couple date. Seriously, you'd think it would be extremely awkward. It wasn't. They all knew I needed that time. They all knew I needed them. Their husbands seemed to take a step back and let my friends rally around me. I knew they were worried. I felt their love. Somehow, it ended up being an incredible night, not 'the night I ruined their date'. In the end, they paid for my dinner and her husband gave me a Priesthood blessing when we got back. What should always be indented in my brain as a horrible, horrible day will now end with a good memory whenever I think about it.

 #3: Days after that horrible-no-good-day, a friend insisted on coming over to clean my house. Seriously. I was embarrassed and tried to tell her no but she gave me a date and time and she just showed up. Not only did she deep clean my whole house, she wanted me to be able to get out of the house so she organized a group of friends to go with us to Yogurtland that night and she even found me a babysitter.

#4: Same friend, for my birthday, convinced other friends to take me out to lunch. She also convinced these friends to somehow unlock my back door without me noticing when we left. She then cleaned my whole house, top to bottom, and I came home to balloons, a present, and a clean house. It was just what I needed.

#4: How are we only on #4? I feel like I just described what are worth thousands of good deeds. Seriously, these are big, people! Friend finds out about hard things in my life. Next thing I know, it's 11pm and she is on my doorstep with chocolate ice cream and a listening ear.

#5: I text a friend who's gone through similar trials and tell her I just need to talk because I'm having a hard night. I ask if she would be willing to come over at 9am the next morning. It's 10:30pm and the whole thing is a complete scam because I'm texting her this to try and get her to my house at 9am the next morning for her surprise baby shower. I figure it's late enough that her 39-week-pregnant self will not come over and the next thing I know, she texts me saying she is in the driveway. Of course, I had to lie and say we weren't home because I didn't actually need her but it got me all emotional, thinking what she was willing to do for me no matter the time. She chose to give up her last Saturday morning as a mom of 2 with her family to spend the time talking about my problems---even though in the end, we were all in the surprise and she wasn't coming over to help me. :) If you're wondering, the surprise party worked out---barely. Next time, I'll have to come up with a better excuse.

#6, 7, 8, etc: Obviously the same friend as mentioned above has been an incredible listening ear on many other occasions. She comes over, she lets me come over, we meet at the park, etc. It doesn't seem to matter. If I need her, she is somehow always there.

I have tons more stories. I always will. And because my friends are so inspiring to me, I hope to be able to create those same blessings in someone else's life. It is why I've tried to stop judging. It is why I've made it a point to listen to the Spirit when I'm told I need to do something. If you're wondering, I'm not perfect. Just the other day, I hurt someone's feelings by speaking before thinking it through. I make mistakes often. But I want to be the kind of friend my friends are to me so when I make mistakes, I pick myself back up and try again the next day.

If you're in need of a listening ear, contact me. I've got two perfectly good ones and sometimes they even give out decent bits of advice. Just remember how important you are and how much worth you have and remind your friends of their own worth and potential.

How incredible would this world be if we all understood our worth and could see ourselves with the potential God sees in us?