Thursday, April 26, 2012

"But you've already got a kid"

I was expecting to find a wonderfully written blog post of someone who had secondary infertility, just like myself, this morning when I clicked on the link my sister gave me.
What I found was a wonderfully written blog post of someone who had secondary infertility AND many cruel comments to follow of bitter women who have not been able to have children yet (or ever).
You may read the blog post HERE.
I'd like to talk about/to these women today. While I don't diminish the feelings they have of wanting to be mothers, I cannot sit here and say that I think it is appropriate to diminish the feelings of those of us who have children but want more.
There is still heartache, there is still grief, and there is still pain.
I remember last August, when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I saw a status of a friend on Facebook, complaining that she was miserable and overdue and wanted that darn baby out of her! I remember the anger and hurt I initially felt, as I would've given anything to be pregnant at that time. But it only took me a minute to remember what it felt like to be 13-30 weeks pregnant and vomiting, or sitting on a couch most of the day due to bedrest for 6 weeks, or being 39 weeks pregnant with my son and feeling so huge and uncomfortable and sometimes crying because I could no longer sleep.
Now I know this isn't the same for those of you who have not become mothers yet. But I feel like just because you havent experienced something does not mean you should become offended when someone complains. Their complaint is real. It IS uncomfortable to be pregnant sometimes. It IS hard to be sick or to be on bedrest. And though it is worth it, in those moments of pain or sickness, it is hard to look at the bigger picture. Sometimes you just need to complain a little and then you can get on with your life and feel a little bit happier.
One thing I learned through reading those comments on her blog post is how grateful I am for my wonderful readers. I have never had someone tell me, "You should stop being selfish and be grateful for the two children you already have!" You all know me well enough to know that I am grateful. I love my children so very, very much. I know I am blessed. But that doesnt make infertility any easier. It is still a very real feeling of pain and heartache.
Now, these past few months have been wonderful. My infertility no longer runs my life. My only hope is that those rude commenters could feel the same way. I feel sad for the way they made that blogger feel but I feel even more sad with how they are letting their infertility and their anger run their lives.
Children or no children, there are reasons to be happy for everyone.

This all makes me think of Elder Holland's talk in our most recent LDS General Conference.
"May I plead with us not to be hurt—and certainly not to feel envious—when good fortune comes to another person? We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed. The race we are really in is the race against sin, and surely envy is one of the most universal of those." Talk can be found here.

Certainly this can be taken to heart by those of us who are envious of others for the blessings they have received. My hope is that we can someday have the heart and the strength to be happy for others, even when we are going through major trials in our own lives.

And that's how Suze sees it.

1 comment:

Emmy said...

This post was awesome! Good good for you. And yes, while it probably is even harder for those who never can have kids, that doesn't make it any less hard for you. I loved Elder Holland's talk.