Today, I was sitting on the couch and I said, "Petey, do you think I'm a good mommy?"
After thinking it over for a minute, she gave me an honest answer. "I think you're a good mommy when you're not being rude at me."
And that, my friends, is the true answer. Because for the past 8 months, my daughter has been dealing with a crabby mom. On occasion, my infertility has helped me to be a better mom and relish in the moments that I used to miss out on but one thing is certain---I've taken the title of crabby and claimed it for myself. But this claim was unwanted. I never wanted to be "crabby mom". I want my kids to remember me being happy and teaching them how to control their emotions. And how can I do that if I can't even control my own emotions?
So crabby mom is taking a hike and patient mom is trying to ease her way into our lives. Because this momma is NOT a fertility momma anymore. More importantly, this momma is going to try harder and do better.
So what does it mean that I've left the ranks of "fertility momma's"? In short, it means I'm done...for now. I am going back on birth control because my heart and even my brain need a break from this whole ordeal. In time, I know we will decide to try again but I am perfectly content with my life right now. I am happy and I know my decision is what is best for me and for my family. My husband practically squealed with excitement when I told him what I'd decided. Hmm, maybe he's sick of "crabby wife" too. :)
We all just need time and my heart feels so at peace with my decision. There is a tiny inkling of me that is sad because I really, really, really want a baby in our home but I really do believe that will happen for us again...when the time is right.
Everything about this decision just fell into place and I know it's the right thing for us. The hardest thing about infertility, or life for that matter, is that everybody's situation is different and you may think my decision is nuts, or maybe you thought my decision to try and have my 2nd and 3rd child 2 yrs apart was nuts (or have my first two children 16 months apart) but I try and make my decisions prayerfully and based on how my husband and I feel at the moment. And today, even we feel differently than we did 1 year ago when we decided to start trying.
It's just right! There is no other explanation.
And that is how Suze sees it.
PS: Picture, anyone? :) I added a cute picture of Petey from the other day but forgot to talk about it or put it anywhere in my post and since I cant figure out how to delete it, here ya go! :) Isn't she a cutie? Sassy, but a cutie? :)