Tuesday, April 24, 2012

What is Normal?

I needed another infertility post tonight. I'm slowly realizing that this is just our normal. Maybe not forever but for right now. I'm slowly forgetting what it feels like to take a pregnancy test and see a positive sign staring back at me.

It has been good and bad that we've stopped trying to have a baby. The good is that I don't wonder about being pregnant. I don't get my hopes up. I know it isn't going to happen. The bad is that my heart still aches for a baby. It just does. Sometimes I feel like that'll still be happening when I'm old and gray. I just love babies!

Have I ever blogged about the night before my son was born? Probably not, since this blog was started when he was a week or two old. I am grateful for that special night. I am grateful for every event that led up to my son being brought into this world 2.5 years ago. I look back and realize Heavenly Father was preparing me for what we are going through right now. He knew I would miss that feeling.
Spidey was going to be a VBAC. I had my heart set on it. I did NOT want to be a c-section mama. But when we went in to my doctors appointment on October 6th, 2009, we came out accepting my surgery births. We came out accepting that, due to unpreventable circumstances with the way my beautiful body was built, I needed to forever be a c-section mama. We also came out, getting used to the idea that we were going to be the parents of a little boy the next morning.
Many things about those first years with my kids are things I cannot remember but I remember that night so vividly. I remember having a strong impression that I would not be pregnant for a long time after and that no matter how uncomfortable I was, I needed to cherish those feelings of being pregnant. And that is just what I did.
I remember staying up most of that night, trying to memorize his kicks and memorize the way my body felt with a huge belly to carry around. I remember thanking God that I had carried this healthy baby to term and that we would meet him in a few short hours. I remember not taking that night for granted and I will forever be grateful for that.
And look at me now. Life is so different in those 2.5 years and I am smack dab in the middle of my battle to have more children. But I knew this was going to happen. I know that seems like a rough thing to admit but something just told me it was going to be hard this time around. After Spidey was born, I remember stumbling across a couple of different blogs of familis who had two children before enduring any type of infertility and it always seemed odd that their stories were similiar. I wondered why the heck I kept coming across these types of blogs. I now believe it was Heavenly Father's way of saying, "Prepare yourself for this and know that I will bless you, just as I have blessed them." Those families lives looked blessed. I could see it just in the words I was reading on their blogs. It touches me to see the tiny preparations God has put in place for me so that I didn't fall down the mountain last August (the month I was officially diagnosed with PCOS). I may have stumbled off of a rock but I did not lose my footing on the mountain. I am stronger because my Heavenly Father wants me to be. I know I've said it before but I am an unpolished rock, waiting to become shiny and bright. Every trial I face, a little part of me becomes polished and eventually, I will be what He has wanted for me all along. This is just part of the process.
Don't get me wrong, this is not an easy process. But it is a worth it process.

And that's how Suze sees it.


Jenna said...

Bless you, Suze. You are an amazing woman.

Traci said...

Thanks for sharing your story!