Wednesday, May 23, 2012

"Me da baby!"

I'm having a hard morning...really, a hard couple of days. My hormones are all over the place. I've figured out it's because I've been lazy taking my birth control and the past week, it's more common that I skip a night and take two the next night. Not good.

I know I say everything's better and that infertility doesn't run my life and it's true. But just because it just doesn't run my life does not mean I won't be faced with hard days; days where I dream about being pregnant or holding my own tiny baby in my arms. It seems so unreachable at this point but I try to not give up hope.

There are many days I love just having my two kids. Their independence is exciting and depressing all at the same time. It is a lot easier not having to do everything for my kids, having them both using the bathroom, being able to entertain themselves when I need a break, etc. But on the other hand, I dont want them to grow up! They're getting too big.

I know I'm crazy and it's probably messing up my child but when Spidey comes up to me and says, "Me da baby." and curls up in my arms, I always agree with him. And when he wants the binky he never took as a baby for 2 minutes, I let him. And when he needs me for just about anything, I'm right there. I understand he wont need me forever and that makes me sad. I know I'm spoiling him but he's my baby! He may be 4.5 months away from turning 3 but he is my baby!

Often times, even when it's my big girly wanting to snuggle or have some "baby time", I just let her. I let her because the past 4 years have gone by way too fast and I know someday I'll look back and think age 4 was a baby age, whereas right now it seems old!

Over the weekend, I didn't turn on the computer a single time. I was with my family, not just in the same home as them. I've tried so hard to stay off the computer more often because I really have better days when I'm focusing more on my children and playing with them. They are actually way more entertaining than the computer anyway. :)

I know my unbalanced hormones are playing a part in this sad realization of my not-so-little children but at least it helps me realize their importance and appreciate this time I have with them. They are only going to be little for so long and I don't want to miss out on that.

And on that note, it's time to sign off of the computer. :)

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