2014: Day 3

 My Parents:

Let me ask you one simple question, does it get any better than having your dad be your children's pediatrician?

Ok, I'm mostly kidding because there are so many other reasons I'm grateful for my dad but it sure doesn't hurt that he can give me medical advice whenever I need it.

I am the 4th child {and 4th daughter} in my family. I wish I had a million stories about my childhood for you because I'm sure there were many but I don't remember much about growing up. I was a really hard kid and as an early adult, that really embarrassed me so I never really talked about my 'young years'. I still have some funny stories but a lot of them are stories I've heard over and over throughout the years.

But alas, it was still a great childhood. My parents were troopers getting through raising me and still choosing to have 2 more children younger than me.

As a teenager, when my relationship was the furthest from my parents, I never could have imagined having a really close relationship with them. But something changed in all of us when my parents sent me to ANASAZI when I was four months shy of 18 years old. ANASAZI taught us all so many things about ourselves. I learned to trust my parents and they learned to trust me. I felt important and loved again. I learned how to be a trustworthy person and how to be more respectful.

Well, now I'm all old and grown up :) and I couldn't imagine not having my parents in my life. They are wonderful. They are extremely supportive of everything I do.

And aren't they just so darn cute together? Yes, it's true, old people love is gross, but they seem to pull it off pretty well.

In their lifetime, they've had 6 children---5 biological and 1 specially picked.
2 of those children are special needs and my mom is the best mom for those 2 children
4 weddings to help plan
10.75 grandchild
26 years of my dad in practice as a pediatrician
Probably a thousand different vacations {mostly on their own}---they've taken us to Hawaii twice, Alaska twice, San Diego, Carlsbad, Texas, and many other cities and states I can't remember. Those ones are just more recent.

I hope to someday look back and see that I've built a life like my parents. They've accomplished so much together.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that they are mine. Obviously, they gave me my crazy and I can't thank them enough for that. I love laughing with my family and playing games with them. We get together as a family often and I love it!

Really, they're just awesome. The end. Period. Done. No arguments.

2014: Day 2

 My Firstborn:
{Sorry, I'm already a date late on Day 2. I started writing this yesterday but then I got a migraine and couldn't go near the computer screen.}

Becoming a mom was something I always knew I wanted to do. There was no if, only a when. So when I saw that positive pregnancy test 4 short weeks after getting married, I could hardly contain my excitement. And then 8 weeks after that, I was devastated when I miscarried.

We found out we were pregnant the second time around about 5 months after we got married. This time, the excitement was at a minimum because I was scared.

On New Year's Eve SIX years ago, we had an ultrasound confirming what I already knew---we were having a baby girl. She was the first granddaughter on my side of the family and we were all excited.

On April 1st of 2008, I was put on bedrest for pre-eclampsia. I was only 30 weeks pregnant and was worried about this fiesty little girl coming early.

Six weeks after that, she was born. Only 5 pounds even. I hold babies that are bigger than that and can't even fathom that she was ever that tiny.

Petey is my best friend. Ever since she was tiny, I have loved dolling her up. I started making her bows when she was 6 months old and started making necklaces when she was 3.

 Petey is very trusting and we are really close. I know how to handle her personality because it is a lot like mine.

 Petey was born a firecracker. She spent the majority of her first 9 months crying. She walked at 13 months and started talking really early. She's always been very bright and grasps things really quickly.

 Petey has always loved to dance. She took her first dance class at age 3 and is now on a dance team at age 5 1/2. She loves when it's a "dance day". She practices at home constantly. In the past few months she has taught herself front limbers, back bends, tummy rolls, among many other things. Of course, she learns the basics of these in class but she will come home and make sure she learns them and practices on her own.

 Petey is also really goofy. She can make me laugh so hard sometimes.

 She is really helpful and loves to cook. Grandma has made bread with her many times and Petey soaks it all in and loves that special time with her Grandma.

 You already know this but Petey has piercing blue eyes. They are bluer than any other eyes I've ever seen. They fit her perfectly. She has always had a clear and powerful disposition. She is caring and kind. She loves everyone.

 On the other hand, she is nuts. :) She is so crazy sometimes and makes the funniest faces.

 She's been obsessed with make up since birth. She used to get into my lipstick all of the time!

 Petey has always been miniature. :) We are used to it now but it was so weird when she was little and her cousin started becoming her same size. He's 18 months younger and now he's a little bigger than her. We just make 'em tiny around here.

 Petey has always been an extremely good helper to me. She helps me cook, clean, and take care of her little brother.
Last night, I had a migraine and threw up twice. I was in bed at 8:30 and my kids were up playing. I called Petey in and told her I was sick and her reaction was, "What can I do to help you, mom?" I asked her to get her brother all ready for bed and go to bed. Next thing I knew, it was 1am and my headache was gone so I got up to make sure the kids had made it to bed safely. I walked into Spidey's room and there they were, dressed in pajamas, snuggling up next to each other and sleeping. I'm so proud of my big helper.

 Petey wears her heart on her sleeve. It's one of the reasons it has been hard to watch her through the last few months of trials. She cries more often, is angry more often, but is also more loving than ever before. Her emotions are tripled right now and I hope I'm able to help her through her hard times.

I could go on and on about this sweet girl. She is amazing. Sometimes, I just can't even believe that I really get to be her mom forever and ever. I feel extremely lucky because she teaches me every day. She is my best friend and I love her so much.

2014: Day 1

Happy New Year! It is officially January 1st, 2014.

2014 has a lot of meaning to me. It is a year of new beginnings. It is my first year being single in almost 8 years. There are a lot of fears that come with this new year.

So many words have been swirling through my head this past month. I chose faith as my word for 2013 and it ended up being the perfect word. I was almost tempted to choose it again but I decided to start with something new.

2013 was one of the most challenging and blessed years I have ever experienced.
It was the year I chose faith over fear and made some really hard decisions.
It was the year I overcame some of my biggest obstacles.
It was the year I saw a counselor probably 42 out of 52 weeks---and I couldn't be more grateful for that.
It was the year I learned how to really serve.
It was the year I was strong enough to handle 5 family pregnancy announcements and learn how to be happy for others, even when I was silently aching.
It was the year my firstborn started kindergarten!
It was also the year she started dance team.
It was the year both of my children learned how to ride two wheeler bikes.
It was the year I completed my first semester back to school---successfully!

And yes, it was the year we filed for divorce. But that's ok because I have faith. We are both respectful people and I'm lucky to be in the current situation that I'm in. I know that's hard for people who aren't me to understand but just know that we know we are blessed no matter what.

My goal for January of 2014 is to follow a 30-day writing challenge. Today's challenge was just to introduce myself. So if you are a new reader or if you just want to learn some new things about me I'll try to put some unique stats in here for you all to enjoy.

You probably know the first and foremost thing I would do when introducing myself---

---I am a mother of two. In 2014, my kids will be 6 and 5 and that just scares the living daylights outta me!

I was a dancer in my growing up years. I also played basketball as a kid---you know, until they realized I was too short. {Just kidding}
In high school, I did many different things including color guard, winterguard, dance team, concert choir, jazz choir, and I even took ice skating lessons for a little while.

I played the flute in elementary school and junior high and I took piano and voice lessons for years.

I graduated in 2006, got married in 2007, had Petey in 2008, had Spidey in 2009, was diagnosed with infertility in 2011, and we separated in 2013. Seriously. It has been a whirlwind of years since my graduation from high school. But at least it looks like we're moving on to big changes every two years instead of every year, right?

I am LDS. You'll hear more about that on one of my other writing days.

I am currently in school to become a marriage and family therapist and I am fearful and excited for the years ahead of me.

I've lived in 3 different places my entire life---all within 15 minutes of each other. The first was my house growing up, the second was the apartment we lived in for 10 months after getting married, and the third is the house I currently live in and we've now lived here for 6 years {minus two months}. Can you see how much I'm not a fan of change? Maybe someday I'll be more adventurous and move 30 minutes away. ;)

I have ten thousand sarcastic bones in my body.

And I also love to make others laugh---with me, not at me.


Ok, so have you heard enough? I think that's about all I have for today.

Wait, what? You are wondering what my 2014 word is? Oh yeah---I forgot.


2014 is definitely a year of new beginnings. It is a year I find myself again and reclaim a separate identity from married life, from mommy life, etc. It is the year I learn to be brave.

Bravery might seem like one of my strengths because it's easier to be brave when I'm surrounded by people that buoy me up. But I want to learn bravery on a whole new level this year.

I want to be brave enough to push forward in school.
I want to be brave enough to be alone.
I want to be brave enough to push past my comfort zone.
I want to be brave enough to share my testimony.
I want to be brave enough to serve in any situation.

So this year, I will focus on being brave.

Here's to 2014. I pray this year is full of miracles, happiness, and strength for all of you.

How to Feel Good When You Don't Feel Good

 Well, that was interesting. I had almost an entire blog post up and I deleted the whole thing---on purpose. Let's try this again and see if I approve of today's message.

Do you ever struggle to feel like you are a good person? Are there days you compare your weaknesses to someone else's strengths?

 

I hope I'm not the only one.

 

Some days, I find that I'm just so darn hard on myself. I hear other people tell me I'm so helpful or friendly or inspiring and I don't feel like any of it is true. I feel fake because I struggle on a daily basis to make good decisions and be a better person. I'm not inspiring---I'm barely keeping my head above water right now. Am I being fake because I have a smile on my face even on some of my hardest days? How can I be a good person when I don't always make good decisions?

 

I try to be a genuinely good person. I try really hard to help others and pick them up when they are down. So why do I find myself thinking that isn't good enough? Why do I still feel like I'm not a good person when I am a good person?

 

Are you confused yet? Or have you ever felt this way?

 

I was reading in the scriptures today and 3rd Nephi 24:18 really jumped out to me.

"Then shall ye return and discern between the righteous and the wicked, between him that serveth God and him that serveth him not."

 

What a simple verse of scripture that is. The scripture doesn't say "He that succeeds in doing everything perfectly his entire life is righteous." It plainly states that if we are trying, if we are doing our best, we are righteous.

 

Satan tries so hard to convince us we will never be good enough. He is constantly bombarding society with lies that we need to be perfect to be good people. He wants us to feel like we are failing when we struggle.

 

It's hard sometimes. Actually, it's hard a lot of the time. It's hard to believe the things other people see in me. It's hard not to put myself down and tell myself I should be doing better. But my Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally---with no conditions. He loves me when I'm doing well and He loves me when I struggle. He wants me to succeed but He understands that we are here to learn and sometimes, we make mistakes.

 

My knowledge of His existence is real. I don't just think He is there---I know He is. I'm going to struggle through this divorce and I'm going to succeed. It isn't going to perfect. In fact, at times it will probably be messy but I know He will still love me. I know I am righteous because I desire to do good.

 

My goal this week is to keep Satan out. I will pray often, study my scriptures, and believe in myself.

2013 Review Extravaganza: The Last 6 Months

Well, I crapped out on last week's review extravaganza because it was an extremely hard week for me {more on that in another post} so I decided to make this week's review of the last 6 months. Is that even allowed? Apparently it is since I'm doing it.

July:

July was one of the easiest months this year. Ironically, I wouldn't name it our best month but I sure as heck had no idea what would become of the months after.

I wrote one of my favorite blog posts of the year on self worth and how my perspective had started to change.

 Petey was working so hard in dance and was becoming quite flexible, especially for a little girl who was not born with a flexible bone in her body.

My business was in it's starting stages.

 We were even crazy enough to paint Petey's room "Pepto Bismol Pink" to match her beloved Hello Kitty bedding. She still loves it just as much as she did the day we started.

August:

 My princess had her first day of Kindergarten and looking at the above picture still tugs at my heart strings.

 Petey's flexibility improved even more in August when she mastered her "tummy roll" she had been learning in acro/tumbling class. That girl is determined. If she sets her mind on something, she will do it.

Unfortunately, I didn't blog the entire rest of August. I couldn't bring myself to lie and say that everything was fine but it wasn't yet appropriate to talk about our separation and possible divorce. August was an extremely lonely month for me. I was surrounded by some of the most incredible people but there were so many hardships I was beginning to face.

September:

 I took my boy camping while his sister had her first overnight with her dad. It was an extremely, wonderfullly hard weekend without her but I'm learning how to deal with them being gone more often. Kind of. It's still really hard. Maybe next year I'll get used to it?

I wrote another one of my favorite posts of the year about attaining happiness amidst trials. Going back and reading that was extremely powerful. The timeline of that post was about a month after my husband and I separated. It was also around the time that I knew where that separation was leading us. I find happiness in knowing I am a child of God. No matter my trials, I know I have a divine purpose.

Another post that stuck out to me in September was my feelings through music. I don't think I realized back then that anger was starting to settle in. I see it now and understand it is a normal part of the grief process.

October:

 In October, my baby turned 4. I still can hardly believe he isn't a baby anymore. Four is just way too old. :)

I wrote about the story of Suzanne.

 And we celebrated Halloween by taking my friends FOUR children for 3 days. That was an adventure I'll never forget. :)

November:

 Petey had her first dance team performance at the Arizona State Fair. Even though she looks way too old with all that make up, she was a rockstar and did absolutely amazing.

 My friends and I did the ROC (Ridiculous Obstacle Course) Race. Oh my goodness, was it fun! I am so lucky to have the best friends ever who make life so very interesting. :)

One of my favorite posts in November was this one on judging others. "Good choices don't always equal good consequences right away. Sometimes it takes a little bit of pain before we get to feel the good."

I blogged about our annual tradition of attending Time Out for Women with my sisters and mom.

I talked about how I'm freaking awesome.

I talked about how amazing my friends are.

I even mentioned One Direction in a roundabout way.

November ended with a post on why I'm thankful for my life.

Wow, apparently I had a lot of blogging on my mind in November. :)

November was also the month my amazing friend took some pictures of my kids and I. They are absolutely gorgeous and I will forever be grateful to her for these pictures.

December:

December started with a post about believing in myself. Oh wait, did I not mention I also started school in August? Literally the same week of our separation? And did I not mention I finished all 4 of my classes with good grades and am ready to rock another semester in January? Oh I didn't? Well, I can't believe I skipped over that. Starting school was a big deal for me. I have a long ways to go but I'll get there.

In December, you'll find another good post on surviving trials. This isn't something I've done---it's something I'm currently doing.

You will also find one of my "most read" blog posts on the loss of tradition. It was hard to wrap my mind around not having my kids on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning but I'm here to tell you that we survived and it was a really great Christmas.

If there's anything I've learned this year, it is to have faith. Faith was actually my "word" for the year and it couldn't be more fitting. I know God has a divine purpose for me. I know I am His daughter. I also know He doesn't keep us from feeling heartache and pain. We have free agency and we get to choose whether we are going to be happy or angry or sad with our lives. My goal is to choose happiness.

Thanks for another great year, Emmy Mom. I love recapping with you year after year. :)

Push Past the Hard and Find the Good

The truth seems plain. I can do hard things. But sometimes, it just isn't as simple as that sentence.

Yes, I know I can do hard things. I know I am brave and strong and able to take on anything life throws my way. But I'm not always able to do it right away.

Numerous times this week, I've had people call me an inspiration, brave, strong, and positive. I appreciate every single one of those comments, even though they sometimes feel out of place because I don't always feel brave and strong and positive and I especially don't feel like an inspiration. But if my words have inspired you, I am immensely grateful for that.

Part of my purpose of blogging is selfish. I love to write and writing is like therapy for me. But there is another purpose that is near to my heart and that is helping you. If I could help one person through the words on my blog, this is all worth it. Well, either way it's worth it {Remember? Lover of writing?} but helping you is the cherry on top.

When I look in the past, present, and future, it is easy to feel overwhelmed with life because sometimes, life is really hard. It is easy to feel like it will never get better, or ask why did this happen to me? but it is possible to push past the hard and find the good.

So how do we get there? How do we even begin to find the good when we are so overwhelmed with the bad?

I believe it's different for everyone. Everyone handles the good and the bad differently. Everyone feels differently.

For me, it started with service. I've already mentioned how something as simple as taking cookies to a neighbor helped me out of my funk. One thing that helped me through infertility and continues to help me is holding babies. My friends are all having babies right now {That's water I won't be drinking for a long time} and often times, I'd describe it as service when I help them with their babies. Sometimes, it's purely selfish but most of the time, I do it because I know they need it. I remember what it was like to have a 16 month old and a newborn. Wow, talk about doing hard things. It was extremely hard for a while and I had tons of family around to help ease that anxiety for me.

So is that it? Does service make our pain completely disappear? No, it doesn't. Service eased my pain and helped me to grieve in a way that was conducive to my life. It didn't make everything better.

Another thing I'm learning right now is that some grief just takes time. There is no magical button or healing power that takes it away in an hour, a day, or a week. Healing is a process.

Often times, I've been surprised by my reaction to things. When infertility hit, I was a freakin' mess. Seriously. I was a mess for about a year and around the time that I started to figure out my emotions, my marriage was having issues. Ha. So funny, right? Then, I dealt with that and learned how to figure those emotions out. And gosh golly, by the time I figured those emotions out and thought my marriage was fixed, I was left single. And yes, I cried. I still cry. But part of me just wanted to laugh. The twisted sense of humor in me thought this was all really funny. So...what's it gonna be next year, huh? Is this really happening all over again? How do I overcome this?

That last question is so important. A part of me wondered that for a while. How do I overcome this? I'm not strong enough to handle this! But I already knew the truth. I knew I was strong enough. You see, after the infertility and everything else that's happened in my life, I knew I could handle this. I had already done hard things. I could do them again. I certainly didn't want to and I still don't---but I can.

And I will.

Overcoming these obstacles is sometimes an icky, sticky mess because we feel lost or trapped. It's hard to find your way out with the tunnel vision we were all born with. It's hard to see the bigger picture and have faith that you'll get to your final destination someday. It sure is easy to doubt and to fear.

For me, fear is what I struggle with. Fear of inadequacy, fear of failure, fear of being alone forever, etc. These are things I deal with daily. I struggle to picture the end result of school because I don't think I'll ever be smart enough to get into a masters program or be brave enough to start my own practice someday. I fear divorce because I don't want to ruin my childrens' lives. I fear losing my friendships. I fear that one day, they'll all be gone---because I'm crazy---and I will feel even more alone.

Laurel Christensen at Time Out for Women talked a lot about our fears and not letting them run our lives. God wants us to have faith. Satan wants us to have fears. This is sometimes hard for me to decipher because I have so many fears in my life. I try so hard to trust the plan that God has for me but sometimes, I lose it.
Sometimes, it's easier to focus on today and what I want today. Sometimes, my selfish desires make it hard to focus on the future and what is best for my life as a whole. So to put my faith before my fear, I pray a whole lot. I trust a lot. I remember who I am and my divine purpose. These are things I know will help keep me on the path I want to be on. I don't always succeed. Actually, so many times in my life, I've insisted on doing things the hard way and learning from my mistakes. The good is still possible to find but it's a lot harder that way.

When we feel lost or angry, it is easy to feel like we should give up. These are the times we need God the most. Giving up is not the answer. There is always good to be found. I promise, there just is. Fight for that good. It is worth it!

My hope for this week is that you find that good I know is in your life. Find it and focus on it. Remember it. Be thankful for it.
I always feel so much better about my life when I focus on that good God has given me.

It is always there. Sometimes you just have to search harder than other times.

They're Gone and I'm Rambling

I have half a post written that I'm really proud of but it just didn't feel right to finish up right now. Instead, I'll start a new post and revisit that one later.

They left yesterday. My children are with their dad until Christmas afternoon and so far, I've handled it well. No tears---surprisingly. Most of this 'holding it together' can be attributed to the world's best friends. I had plans last night, this morning, and again tonight. I think Monday is when it will get harder. That and at nighttime.

In my journal, I often ask a million questions. How? Why? I'm still accepting this as normal life. I'm not there yet but I'm doing surprisingly well, all things considered.

I've decided I'm as happy as I'm going to get this weekend. There is still a lot of sadness because my children are my life but their dad is a good dad and they've been missing him lately. It's good for them---it just sucks for me.
I feel guilty having a relaxing weekend. I'm a 24/7 mom. This isn't supposed to be happening. I'm supposed to be knee high in laundry, dishes, potty breaks, messes, and tantrums. Instead, a friend took me to the spa this morning and I'm watching a chick flick with another friend tonight. Am I supposed to enjoy these nights? I guess I know what the answer is but for some reason, I still feel guilty.

As much as I don't like it, being alone is good for me. I love my friends, I love my family, but I have so much quiet time to come closer to God and focus on what Christmas is all about. Sometimes, the toughest things help us grow the most.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope to get that other post up soon but we'll see how I'm feeling about finishing it. :)