2013 Review Extravaganza: April, May, and June

 Hello, once again. This week's recap is April, May and June. Let's get started, shall we?

April:

-I posted about our 6th year, a post that is no longer easy to go back and read but a significant post that I think will be important to my children someday.

I had to laugh at the messes this boy makes or I would probably go insane.

 It was a wonderfully sad day when we had to say goodbye to Sister Crockett for 18 whole months. The best part of remembering that day is realizing this month is her halfway mark. Yippee! The kids talk about her often and we love sending and receiving packages and letters.

May:

May is a birthday month at our house.

 Petey turned 5 and looked gorgeous while doing it.

 Mother's Day was celebrated by getting pedicures with my sisters and mom.

 Petey had her end of the year dance recital. There are so many things I could say about her wonderful teacher. We sure miss having her this year because of how incredible she was.

June:

 June started out with a super fun visit to Disneyland! We learned that Petey is a daredevil and LOVED Tower of Terror and many other big rollercoasters that mommy refused to go on. It was also my first time riding Tower and Terror and I may or may not have cried during the ride. Seriously, I shudder just thinking about that experience.

 As soon as we got home, Petey had a few days of dance workshops before her tryouts. Guess what? She made the team! We were so excited for her and we've loved the new experiences she's gotten to have this year in dance.

June was also the month my big boy, Spidey, learned how to float all by himself and became a great swimmer.

As you can see, I'm so proud of my kids. These months were full of accomplishments and so many fun things. I am so grateful I get to enjoy being their mother every day of the year.

The Loss of Tradition

 How is it that every time I'm struggling---every dang time---I always seem to hear/read/feel what I need to hear/read/feel?
Tonight was no exception.
I was feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry that for five days this month, my children won't be in my home. And I'm not talking five days total---I'm talking five days in a row.
And do you know what two of those days are? Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

I'm going to miss these happy faces and squeals of excitement as they open gifts from Santa.

 I'm going to miss seeing them in their new Christmas pajamas.

I'm going to miss too much. And then in 2 years, I'm going to miss it all again.

It's realizations like this that seem unfair. How? Why? When? I ask myself how I got here, why I got here, when I got here.

My children are my life. I'm serious. You can ask anybody. And I don't care one bit if you think that is healthy or not. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I eat, sleep, and breathe motherhood. I take short breaks from it when I'm in school but the whole time, I'm thinking about my kids. I stare at pictures of them when they're not here. I think about their past, their present, and their future and I'm constantly worried about whether I'm doing this parenting thing right.

So tonight, I was struggling. There is so much to be learned with this new life and most of it, I just don't like.
I was perusing one of my new favorite blogs when I came across this post. It couldn't have been more perfect.
Breaking tradition. Not having the traditional family. I have to get used to living with these things. I need to find ways to be happy and have a life of my own.
But I don't want to. I want my children to engulf my life. I want to hide behind their greatness. I want them to be my one and only life.
Unfortunately I have no choice anymore. I am breaking traditions and I'm going to successfully pick myself back up and walk once again.
I'm strong. I know it. I feel it. I may not want to be strong but I am.
I can do hard things.

Christmas is going to be extremely hard. I have to decide where to go, what to do, NOT to sign in to Facebook, etc. I have to decide whether I want to be happy or miserable on my own this Christmas.
But I can do this.

I can do hard things.

On Zombie, Losing my Cool, and Getting Good Grades

It was a rotten, exceptional, horrible, amazing night. So many mixed emotions right now.

I'm still catching my breath from all of the chasing and giggling we did together a few hours ago. My heart was pounding and I could hardly breathe by the end. We played "zombie" which is apparently the exact same thing as tag but whoever is 'it' is the zombie.
It was wonderful.

Then, I got caught up in a letter I'm sending to our favorite missionary because I have a package I want to get sent tomorrow. I asked the kids to take a shower, something I let them do by themselves often. After a while, I walked into the bathroom to soap those cute kiddos up and for some reason, the bathtub was filling up. Since my tub doesn't have a plug, I panicked and asked them what they had shoved down the drain. After a few 'I don't know's' and 'We didn't do anything's', Petey fessed up that she had stuck a bunch of toilet paper down the drain to plug it up.
I lost my cool. I've been trying so hard not to but I did. I shut the water off, pulled them both out of the shower, dressed them and sent them straight to bed. No prayers, no hugs, no kisses. And then I sat down at my computer desk feeling more guilty than ever.
These kids are fragile. I knew it the whole time I'd been yelling. Something inside of me was telling me to let it go but I couldn't. I got angry. They should know better! They do know better!

I've yet to figure out the shower mess. I decided to let myself cool down and then walk into each child's room and place a kiss on their forehead and whisper I love you's, hoping they'd hear them in their dreams.

After all of that drama, I signed back into the computer, eager to see if my Psychology of Gender teacher had posted any more grades. I'm waiting for her to post grades for my big gender project and TWO exams I took last week {one was a make-up since I'm dumb and forgot to take it 2 months ago}. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that my gender project was graded. After a hard semester with this teacher, I was worried that she would give me a bad grade which would give me a bad grade in the class. To my delight, I noticed a 50/50 at the top of the page. I was ecstatic. I then read her sweet notes to me on how she loved my project. She asked me if the girl with the gorgeous blue eyes was mine, I was proud to answer yes. I used this picture below for the beginning of my project.

It was the picture header on the website I had to create.
I put a lot of time and effort into that project and it felt so good to be recognized for my hard work.

The subject we had to write on was actually very near and dear to my heart. It has been since before Petey was born but especially since after her birth. If you'd like to view my website project, go here. I had a lot of fun and learned a lot of things from doing it.

What a great way to end my first semester back at college. I have a feeling I'm going to like this a lot more than I originally thought. College may be a lot of work but that work pays off.

I'm thinking 2 out of 3 are good odds for tonight being wonderful. I think I'll go kiss my kids one more time before I head off to bed and hope they forgive me in the morning.

Our Service Elves

If you know me, you know I'm not usually one to follow the crowd. If a video is being tossed around Facebook, I try to avoid watching it---just because.

So when Elf on the Shelf became really popular a few years ago, I had no intentions of getting one. Ever.
Then Elf on the Shelf became popular for doing naughty things while the kids slept but he was supposed to be there to make sure the kids were making good choices. It all seemed a bit ridiculous and hypocritical to me. I understand it's all cute and fun but I didn't want to send my kids mixed messages like that.

Then, the amazing world of Facebook introduced me to this post about kindness elves a few weeks ago. My favorite quote from her post: "Present giving is because you love someone, not because they deserve it. Hence why we focus more on the gift of our Savior at Christmas and His free, undeserved love to us instead." I have never felt right about telling my kids to be nice or Santa would be bringing them coal. That idea just never sat right with me. Whether my kids make good choices or bad choices, I love them just the same so why would Christmas be any different?

Jesus Christ has already given us the greatest gift of all---eternal life---and it just doesn't seem right that during a holiday commemorating his birth we would focus on how our children are being naughty or nice. Christ loves us regardless of our actions. We love our children regardless of their actions. And I plan to give my children gifts regardless of their actions.

But lately, there has just been too much whining when we go to the store or buy presents for other people. The other day, Petey flat out threw a temper tantrum on the floor of Walmart because she wanted a candy necklace kit that I had said no to buying. It was actually after that tantrum that we sat down and had a long talk about people less fortunate than us and how we need to have gratitude for everything we've been given. Petey decided it would be a good idea to donate some of her clothes and toys to little girls that don't have the things she has.

So we have implemented a new 'Elf on the Shelf' idea in our home. Each night when the kids go to bed, Pexy and Angel {the original names my children picked for their individual elves} will write us a letter with an idea of something we can do the next day to serve someone else. Some ideas I've had have been baking cookies for neighbors, cleaning our rooms, paying for someone else's food in a drive-thru, donating toys/clothes to a shelter, do a secret service for your sibling, etc. The kids are already so excited to wake up tomorrow and see what their elves have written in a letter for them.

I'm hoping and praying this helps us move past the entitlement phase of Christmas and onto the service phase. I know my children have good hearts but they're still children and it's really hard to buy someone else a present when it's exactly what you've been wanting. I understand their frustration but I hope I can teach them real Christ-like love for others so we can switch our focus to Him during this special season.

And with that, welcome to the family, Pexy and Angel! I hope you can help us remember to love others and serve them so we learn to have gratitude for what we already have.

2013 Review Extravaganza: January, February, and March

I start this series off the exact same way every year. It just simply cannot be the end of the year yet. It was just January!
But here we are, reviewing the year, month by month. This week's post will have January, February, and March.

January:
I started off my year by making my new year goals. Re-reading that post was hard but it helped me realize that I had picked the perfect word for the year. Faith is something I've relied on to get me through so many things this year. It's actually hard for me to believe that at the beginning of the year, I was still hoping and praying and doing fertility treatments to try and have another baby. That is nowhere near where I am right now. My miracle wasn't a baby. My miracle was having enough faith to endure things I thought I wasn't strong enough to endure.

We were busy taking a gazillion trips to the zoo with our new membership. {And seriously, I forgot how long E's hair was back then and how short Petey's was!}

I talked about being about how I can do hard things. I'd like to revisit that post in a new post someday.

And we can't forget the annual cabin trip for New Year's with my family {which obviously happened before the other picture but I can't seem to switch it to the top of the page}. Maybe in 5-10 years, we can visit that trip. It was amazing, seriously hard, and more amazing to be with my family. I remember that trip vividly and am so glad we went.

February:

In February, my brother in law got married, Spidey got strep throat, and we got Netflix!

It was Spidey's first time having strep and he was miserable.

Then, Petey got strep throat and ended up at the emergency room because we thought there was more going on. There wasn't. Maybe I'm just overprotective.

I wrote a short post about why I'm too happy to be this sad. Though my circumstances are different, that same concept still rings true today!

March:

Petey had her 1st dance concert of 2013. It was hectic to get her there and it was raining and they were dancing outside but she did it!

Immediately after her dance performance, we headed over to Carlsbad because it's a family tradition!

This year, we went to LEGOLAND and both of the kids were big enough for the rollercoasters they wanted to do.

We celebrated my brother in law's wedding and had a wonderful time there.

The last thing we did in March was celebrate Easter.

Stay tuned for next week's review!

Surviving Trials

Sometimes, it just boggles my mind how many things I've "survived" that I swore I could never survive.
Where is my life? You know, that one I had planned from when I was a little girl?
It's completely non-existent and in it's place is the beautiful {but completely opposite} life I currently live.
There are days where I'm smiling for no apparent reason and I think, "But why?! Why are you smiling? You shouldn't be able to smile right now."
But the truth is, I should be smiling right now. I should've been smiling a year ago. And I also should've been smiling two years ago. Etc. Etc. Etc...
Happiness doesn't come from what my life looks like on the outside; happiness is something that has evolved within my heart and soul. Nobody gets to take it away from me. Ever.

"Happiness is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ." And yes, that is a link.
That quote has always been one of my favorites. In my darkest hours, I can wade through the thick, uninviting fog and find my way to sunshine. It is always there. The sunshine I refer to is a never-changing commitment that Christ made when he suffered for our sins. Not just yours, not just mine---ours. Everyones'. He is the only person who knows "to the T" what I am feeling so who better to turn to?

And let me tell you, this isn't some gimmick where I tell you my life is perfect because I am a Mormon and we're all just happy and perfect and the best homemakers everrr.
That is a sincere lie.
First of all, I'm a crappy homemaker. I know that. I hate cooking. I have to force myself to clean.
Second of all, trust me when I tell you I'm not always happy. It doesn't work that way. Every day, I work hard to achieve my happiness. And some days, it doesn't come. Some days are just crap. Some days I scream into my pillow and then punch it 50 times.
But I don't let days like that determine how I feel about my life as a whole.
That is my point.
I'm not here to tell you that it's bad to be angry or sad or depressed. "Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are." I'm also not here to tell you that happiness is something I'm great at! It's hard work for me right now.
But if you're struggling like I'm struggling or have ever felt lonely, I'm here to change your mind. I'm here to tell you that you're never alone and you can find happiness in any situation. I promise. It's hard and you're still going to be sad sometimes but counteract those days of sadness with days of joy.

This isn't to boast or tell you how super awesome I am but let me tell you a short story.
On a Saturday in August, my husband and I separated. Sunday, I was a mess. I couldn't be anywhere with anyone without breaking down. I knew I couldn't live my life this way so I decided to write down some goals for Monday. I wanted to be there for my kids and show them that I can be ok! The very first goal I wrote down was, "Find someone else to serve today.". I don't tell you that because I'm the best servant of Christ ever. I tell you that because I wholeheartedly believe that is something that has gotten me through some of the lowest times in my life.
There are so many people who have it worse than me and when I break open my little bubble, I find them and then I realize how blessed I am. And even if those people don't have it "worse than me" {because really, who am I to even compare?}, everyone struggles. Everyone has trials that are huge and hard and scary to them. On that particular Monday, I tried to stop thinking about me for a few hours and focus on someone else who was also struggling.
All we did that day was take cookies to a friend but it was helpful to me. It got my mind thinking of others instead of just pitying myself.
I hadn't truly smiled in days but that day, I remember the feelings of gratitude for friendships, for service, and especially for knowledge of my Savior. I go back to that day often because it was only 48 hours after one of the hardest days in my life and I need to remind myself that only 48 hours later, I was still alive and I even smiled.
It's amazing how healing that is to my soul.

I Believe in Me

Tonight must be emotional, for some reason. I turned on the computer and this image smacked me in the face with it's imperfect perfection.

I cried.
I love that it's the background of our computer. What I love even more is that they are mine for eternity.

After turning the computer on, I signed in to my school account to check on my grades. My English teacher had sent me back an essay that I thought I was struggling with and her words were so positive and encouraging. I started to cry again. She corrected two words and that was it. The rest was great in her eyes.

The thing is, school scares me. I'm a semester in and I feel like I've rocked this semester but there are 11 more semesters before I get to have my career. And I can assume that they will not all be this easy.

The thought of my classes getting harder scares me.
But the thought of dropping out of school terrifies me.
I'm where I need to be.
I need to believe in me.

I'm staring my fears down daily. The fear of failure weighs on my mind but it's a battle I have to endure so I can reach my end goal.

My goals might seem farther out there than a single mom of two can reach but I'm just going to have to show the world that it can be mastered. I'm not picking the easy way out. A bachelors and a masters degree are not the easy way out. Building up my own clients so I can have flexible work hours is not going to be the easy way out. It's going to be challenging most of the time for a long time but it will be so worth it.

I'm determined not to fail. I don't want to be that story. I don't want to lose my ambition. I want to succeed.

Succeed, I can and succeed, I will.