2013 Review Extravaganza: The Last 6 Months

Well, I crapped out on last week's review extravaganza because it was an extremely hard week for me {more on that in another post} so I decided to make this week's review of the last 6 months. Is that even allowed? Apparently it is since I'm doing it.

July:

July was one of the easiest months this year. Ironically, I wouldn't name it our best month but I sure as heck had no idea what would become of the months after.

I wrote one of my favorite blog posts of the year on self worth and how my perspective had started to change.

 Petey was working so hard in dance and was becoming quite flexible, especially for a little girl who was not born with a flexible bone in her body.

My business was in it's starting stages.

 We were even crazy enough to paint Petey's room "Pepto Bismol Pink" to match her beloved Hello Kitty bedding. She still loves it just as much as she did the day we started.

August:

 My princess had her first day of Kindergarten and looking at the above picture still tugs at my heart strings.

 Petey's flexibility improved even more in August when she mastered her "tummy roll" she had been learning in acro/tumbling class. That girl is determined. If she sets her mind on something, she will do it.

Unfortunately, I didn't blog the entire rest of August. I couldn't bring myself to lie and say that everything was fine but it wasn't yet appropriate to talk about our separation and possible divorce. August was an extremely lonely month for me. I was surrounded by some of the most incredible people but there were so many hardships I was beginning to face.

September:

 I took my boy camping while his sister had her first overnight with her dad. It was an extremely, wonderfullly hard weekend without her but I'm learning how to deal with them being gone more often. Kind of. It's still really hard. Maybe next year I'll get used to it?

I wrote another one of my favorite posts of the year about attaining happiness amidst trials. Going back and reading that was extremely powerful. The timeline of that post was about a month after my husband and I separated. It was also around the time that I knew where that separation was leading us. I find happiness in knowing I am a child of God. No matter my trials, I know I have a divine purpose.

Another post that stuck out to me in September was my feelings through music. I don't think I realized back then that anger was starting to settle in. I see it now and understand it is a normal part of the grief process.

October:

 In October, my baby turned 4. I still can hardly believe he isn't a baby anymore. Four is just way too old. :)

I wrote about the story of Suzanne.

 And we celebrated Halloween by taking my friends FOUR children for 3 days. That was an adventure I'll never forget. :)

November:

 Petey had her first dance team performance at the Arizona State Fair. Even though she looks way too old with all that make up, she was a rockstar and did absolutely amazing.

 My friends and I did the ROC (Ridiculous Obstacle Course) Race. Oh my goodness, was it fun! I am so lucky to have the best friends ever who make life so very interesting. :)

One of my favorite posts in November was this one on judging others. "Good choices don't always equal good consequences right away. Sometimes it takes a little bit of pain before we get to feel the good."

I blogged about our annual tradition of attending Time Out for Women with my sisters and mom.

I talked about how I'm freaking awesome.

I talked about how amazing my friends are.

I even mentioned One Direction in a roundabout way.

November ended with a post on why I'm thankful for my life.

Wow, apparently I had a lot of blogging on my mind in November. :)

November was also the month my amazing friend took some pictures of my kids and I. They are absolutely gorgeous and I will forever be grateful to her for these pictures.

December:

December started with a post about believing in myself. Oh wait, did I not mention I also started school in August? Literally the same week of our separation? And did I not mention I finished all 4 of my classes with good grades and am ready to rock another semester in January? Oh I didn't? Well, I can't believe I skipped over that. Starting school was a big deal for me. I have a long ways to go but I'll get there.

In December, you'll find another good post on surviving trials. This isn't something I've done---it's something I'm currently doing.

You will also find one of my "most read" blog posts on the loss of tradition. It was hard to wrap my mind around not having my kids on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning but I'm here to tell you that we survived and it was a really great Christmas.

If there's anything I've learned this year, it is to have faith. Faith was actually my "word" for the year and it couldn't be more fitting. I know God has a divine purpose for me. I know I am His daughter. I also know He doesn't keep us from feeling heartache and pain. We have free agency and we get to choose whether we are going to be happy or angry or sad with our lives. My goal is to choose happiness.

Thanks for another great year, Emmy Mom. I love recapping with you year after year. :)

Push Past the Hard and Find the Good

The truth seems plain. I can do hard things. But sometimes, it just isn't as simple as that sentence.

Yes, I know I can do hard things. I know I am brave and strong and able to take on anything life throws my way. But I'm not always able to do it right away.

Numerous times this week, I've had people call me an inspiration, brave, strong, and positive. I appreciate every single one of those comments, even though they sometimes feel out of place because I don't always feel brave and strong and positive and I especially don't feel like an inspiration. But if my words have inspired you, I am immensely grateful for that.

Part of my purpose of blogging is selfish. I love to write and writing is like therapy for me. But there is another purpose that is near to my heart and that is helping you. If I could help one person through the words on my blog, this is all worth it. Well, either way it's worth it {Remember? Lover of writing?} but helping you is the cherry on top.

When I look in the past, present, and future, it is easy to feel overwhelmed with life because sometimes, life is really hard. It is easy to feel like it will never get better, or ask why did this happen to me? but it is possible to push past the hard and find the good.

So how do we get there? How do we even begin to find the good when we are so overwhelmed with the bad?

I believe it's different for everyone. Everyone handles the good and the bad differently. Everyone feels differently.

For me, it started with service. I've already mentioned how something as simple as taking cookies to a neighbor helped me out of my funk. One thing that helped me through infertility and continues to help me is holding babies. My friends are all having babies right now {That's water I won't be drinking for a long time} and often times, I'd describe it as service when I help them with their babies. Sometimes, it's purely selfish but most of the time, I do it because I know they need it. I remember what it was like to have a 16 month old and a newborn. Wow, talk about doing hard things. It was extremely hard for a while and I had tons of family around to help ease that anxiety for me.

So is that it? Does service make our pain completely disappear? No, it doesn't. Service eased my pain and helped me to grieve in a way that was conducive to my life. It didn't make everything better.

Another thing I'm learning right now is that some grief just takes time. There is no magical button or healing power that takes it away in an hour, a day, or a week. Healing is a process.

Often times, I've been surprised by my reaction to things. When infertility hit, I was a freakin' mess. Seriously. I was a mess for about a year and around the time that I started to figure out my emotions, my marriage was having issues. Ha. So funny, right? Then, I dealt with that and learned how to figure those emotions out. And gosh golly, by the time I figured those emotions out and thought my marriage was fixed, I was left single. And yes, I cried. I still cry. But part of me just wanted to laugh. The twisted sense of humor in me thought this was all really funny. So...what's it gonna be next year, huh? Is this really happening all over again? How do I overcome this?

That last question is so important. A part of me wondered that for a while. How do I overcome this? I'm not strong enough to handle this! But I already knew the truth. I knew I was strong enough. You see, after the infertility and everything else that's happened in my life, I knew I could handle this. I had already done hard things. I could do them again. I certainly didn't want to and I still don't---but I can.

And I will.

Overcoming these obstacles is sometimes an icky, sticky mess because we feel lost or trapped. It's hard to find your way out with the tunnel vision we were all born with. It's hard to see the bigger picture and have faith that you'll get to your final destination someday. It sure is easy to doubt and to fear.

For me, fear is what I struggle with. Fear of inadequacy, fear of failure, fear of being alone forever, etc. These are things I deal with daily. I struggle to picture the end result of school because I don't think I'll ever be smart enough to get into a masters program or be brave enough to start my own practice someday. I fear divorce because I don't want to ruin my childrens' lives. I fear losing my friendships. I fear that one day, they'll all be gone---because I'm crazy---and I will feel even more alone.

Laurel Christensen at Time Out for Women talked a lot about our fears and not letting them run our lives. God wants us to have faith. Satan wants us to have fears. This is sometimes hard for me to decipher because I have so many fears in my life. I try so hard to trust the plan that God has for me but sometimes, I lose it.
Sometimes, it's easier to focus on today and what I want today. Sometimes, my selfish desires make it hard to focus on the future and what is best for my life as a whole. So to put my faith before my fear, I pray a whole lot. I trust a lot. I remember who I am and my divine purpose. These are things I know will help keep me on the path I want to be on. I don't always succeed. Actually, so many times in my life, I've insisted on doing things the hard way and learning from my mistakes. The good is still possible to find but it's a lot harder that way.

When we feel lost or angry, it is easy to feel like we should give up. These are the times we need God the most. Giving up is not the answer. There is always good to be found. I promise, there just is. Fight for that good. It is worth it!

My hope for this week is that you find that good I know is in your life. Find it and focus on it. Remember it. Be thankful for it.
I always feel so much better about my life when I focus on that good God has given me.

It is always there. Sometimes you just have to search harder than other times.

They're Gone and I'm Rambling

I have half a post written that I'm really proud of but it just didn't feel right to finish up right now. Instead, I'll start a new post and revisit that one later.

They left yesterday. My children are with their dad until Christmas afternoon and so far, I've handled it well. No tears---surprisingly. Most of this 'holding it together' can be attributed to the world's best friends. I had plans last night, this morning, and again tonight. I think Monday is when it will get harder. That and at nighttime.

In my journal, I often ask a million questions. How? Why? I'm still accepting this as normal life. I'm not there yet but I'm doing surprisingly well, all things considered.

I've decided I'm as happy as I'm going to get this weekend. There is still a lot of sadness because my children are my life but their dad is a good dad and they've been missing him lately. It's good for them---it just sucks for me.
I feel guilty having a relaxing weekend. I'm a 24/7 mom. This isn't supposed to be happening. I'm supposed to be knee high in laundry, dishes, potty breaks, messes, and tantrums. Instead, a friend took me to the spa this morning and I'm watching a chick flick with another friend tonight. Am I supposed to enjoy these nights? I guess I know what the answer is but for some reason, I still feel guilty.

As much as I don't like it, being alone is good for me. I love my friends, I love my family, but I have so much quiet time to come closer to God and focus on what Christmas is all about. Sometimes, the toughest things help us grow the most.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope to get that other post up soon but we'll see how I'm feeling about finishing it. :)

2013 Review Extravaganza: April, May, and June

 Hello, once again. This week's recap is April, May and June. Let's get started, shall we?

April:

-I posted about our 6th year, a post that is no longer easy to go back and read but a significant post that I think will be important to my children someday.

I had to laugh at the messes this boy makes or I would probably go insane.

 It was a wonderfully sad day when we had to say goodbye to Sister Crockett for 18 whole months. The best part of remembering that day is realizing this month is her halfway mark. Yippee! The kids talk about her often and we love sending and receiving packages and letters.

May:

May is a birthday month at our house.

 Petey turned 5 and looked gorgeous while doing it.

 Mother's Day was celebrated by getting pedicures with my sisters and mom.

 Petey had her end of the year dance recital. There are so many things I could say about her wonderful teacher. We sure miss having her this year because of how incredible she was.

June:

 June started out with a super fun visit to Disneyland! We learned that Petey is a daredevil and LOVED Tower of Terror and many other big rollercoasters that mommy refused to go on. It was also my first time riding Tower and Terror and I may or may not have cried during the ride. Seriously, I shudder just thinking about that experience.

 As soon as we got home, Petey had a few days of dance workshops before her tryouts. Guess what? She made the team! We were so excited for her and we've loved the new experiences she's gotten to have this year in dance.

June was also the month my big boy, Spidey, learned how to float all by himself and became a great swimmer.

As you can see, I'm so proud of my kids. These months were full of accomplishments and so many fun things. I am so grateful I get to enjoy being their mother every day of the year.

The Loss of Tradition

 How is it that every time I'm struggling---every dang time---I always seem to hear/read/feel what I need to hear/read/feel?
Tonight was no exception.
I was feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry that for five days this month, my children won't be in my home. And I'm not talking five days total---I'm talking five days in a row.
And do you know what two of those days are? Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

I'm going to miss these happy faces and squeals of excitement as they open gifts from Santa.

 I'm going to miss seeing them in their new Christmas pajamas.

I'm going to miss too much. And then in 2 years, I'm going to miss it all again.

It's realizations like this that seem unfair. How? Why? When? I ask myself how I got here, why I got here, when I got here.

My children are my life. I'm serious. You can ask anybody. And I don't care one bit if you think that is healthy or not. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I eat, sleep, and breathe motherhood. I take short breaks from it when I'm in school but the whole time, I'm thinking about my kids. I stare at pictures of them when they're not here. I think about their past, their present, and their future and I'm constantly worried about whether I'm doing this parenting thing right.

So tonight, I was struggling. There is so much to be learned with this new life and most of it, I just don't like.
I was perusing one of my new favorite blogs when I came across this post. It couldn't have been more perfect.
Breaking tradition. Not having the traditional family. I have to get used to living with these things. I need to find ways to be happy and have a life of my own.
But I don't want to. I want my children to engulf my life. I want to hide behind their greatness. I want them to be my one and only life.
Unfortunately I have no choice anymore. I am breaking traditions and I'm going to successfully pick myself back up and walk once again.
I'm strong. I know it. I feel it. I may not want to be strong but I am.
I can do hard things.

Christmas is going to be extremely hard. I have to decide where to go, what to do, NOT to sign in to Facebook, etc. I have to decide whether I want to be happy or miserable on my own this Christmas.
But I can do this.

I can do hard things.

On Zombie, Losing my Cool, and Getting Good Grades

It was a rotten, exceptional, horrible, amazing night. So many mixed emotions right now.

I'm still catching my breath from all of the chasing and giggling we did together a few hours ago. My heart was pounding and I could hardly breathe by the end. We played "zombie" which is apparently the exact same thing as tag but whoever is 'it' is the zombie.
It was wonderful.

Then, I got caught up in a letter I'm sending to our favorite missionary because I have a package I want to get sent tomorrow. I asked the kids to take a shower, something I let them do by themselves often. After a while, I walked into the bathroom to soap those cute kiddos up and for some reason, the bathtub was filling up. Since my tub doesn't have a plug, I panicked and asked them what they had shoved down the drain. After a few 'I don't know's' and 'We didn't do anything's', Petey fessed up that she had stuck a bunch of toilet paper down the drain to plug it up.
I lost my cool. I've been trying so hard not to but I did. I shut the water off, pulled them both out of the shower, dressed them and sent them straight to bed. No prayers, no hugs, no kisses. And then I sat down at my computer desk feeling more guilty than ever.
These kids are fragile. I knew it the whole time I'd been yelling. Something inside of me was telling me to let it go but I couldn't. I got angry. They should know better! They do know better!

I've yet to figure out the shower mess. I decided to let myself cool down and then walk into each child's room and place a kiss on their forehead and whisper I love you's, hoping they'd hear them in their dreams.

After all of that drama, I signed back into the computer, eager to see if my Psychology of Gender teacher had posted any more grades. I'm waiting for her to post grades for my big gender project and TWO exams I took last week {one was a make-up since I'm dumb and forgot to take it 2 months ago}. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that my gender project was graded. After a hard semester with this teacher, I was worried that she would give me a bad grade which would give me a bad grade in the class. To my delight, I noticed a 50/50 at the top of the page. I was ecstatic. I then read her sweet notes to me on how she loved my project. She asked me if the girl with the gorgeous blue eyes was mine, I was proud to answer yes. I used this picture below for the beginning of my project.

It was the picture header on the website I had to create.
I put a lot of time and effort into that project and it felt so good to be recognized for my hard work.

The subject we had to write on was actually very near and dear to my heart. It has been since before Petey was born but especially since after her birth. If you'd like to view my website project, go here. I had a lot of fun and learned a lot of things from doing it.

What a great way to end my first semester back at college. I have a feeling I'm going to like this a lot more than I originally thought. College may be a lot of work but that work pays off.

I'm thinking 2 out of 3 are good odds for tonight being wonderful. I think I'll go kiss my kids one more time before I head off to bed and hope they forgive me in the morning.

Our Service Elves

If you know me, you know I'm not usually one to follow the crowd. If a video is being tossed around Facebook, I try to avoid watching it---just because.

So when Elf on the Shelf became really popular a few years ago, I had no intentions of getting one. Ever.
Then Elf on the Shelf became popular for doing naughty things while the kids slept but he was supposed to be there to make sure the kids were making good choices. It all seemed a bit ridiculous and hypocritical to me. I understand it's all cute and fun but I didn't want to send my kids mixed messages like that.

Then, the amazing world of Facebook introduced me to this post about kindness elves a few weeks ago. My favorite quote from her post: "Present giving is because you love someone, not because they deserve it. Hence why we focus more on the gift of our Savior at Christmas and His free, undeserved love to us instead." I have never felt right about telling my kids to be nice or Santa would be bringing them coal. That idea just never sat right with me. Whether my kids make good choices or bad choices, I love them just the same so why would Christmas be any different?

Jesus Christ has already given us the greatest gift of all---eternal life---and it just doesn't seem right that during a holiday commemorating his birth we would focus on how our children are being naughty or nice. Christ loves us regardless of our actions. We love our children regardless of their actions. And I plan to give my children gifts regardless of their actions.

But lately, there has just been too much whining when we go to the store or buy presents for other people. The other day, Petey flat out threw a temper tantrum on the floor of Walmart because she wanted a candy necklace kit that I had said no to buying. It was actually after that tantrum that we sat down and had a long talk about people less fortunate than us and how we need to have gratitude for everything we've been given. Petey decided it would be a good idea to donate some of her clothes and toys to little girls that don't have the things she has.

So we have implemented a new 'Elf on the Shelf' idea in our home. Each night when the kids go to bed, Pexy and Angel {the original names my children picked for their individual elves} will write us a letter with an idea of something we can do the next day to serve someone else. Some ideas I've had have been baking cookies for neighbors, cleaning our rooms, paying for someone else's food in a drive-thru, donating toys/clothes to a shelter, do a secret service for your sibling, etc. The kids are already so excited to wake up tomorrow and see what their elves have written in a letter for them.

I'm hoping and praying this helps us move past the entitlement phase of Christmas and onto the service phase. I know my children have good hearts but they're still children and it's really hard to buy someone else a present when it's exactly what you've been wanting. I understand their frustration but I hope I can teach them real Christ-like love for others so we can switch our focus to Him during this special season.

And with that, welcome to the family, Pexy and Angel! I hope you can help us remember to love others and serve them so we learn to have gratitude for what we already have.